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02 From Abroad
An Idiot Abroad S02E02: Trans-Siberian Express
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the bucket list see the glaciers before
they melt
though on an African safari encounter
the world's largest mammal the ultimate
things to do before you die not me if I
was on me deathbed there's no way I'd
was be climbing Kilimanjaro it's not
things to do a few the minute or you die
it seems to do in your life easy boys
easy boys it's difficult he was so
suspicious after the last time we've
told him that he gets to choose from the
list whatever he wants to do is he like
an absolute liberal but that doesn't
mean that there won't be a few treats in
store that he's not expecting you know
this is a man who's reluctant if the man
who doesn't want to do these things well
may happen well it's making Karl do
things that other people want to do
before they die exactly yeah if it is
Lee
[Music]
travel the trans-siberian railway oh wow
that's the stuff of dreams isn't it this
is known as the greatest train journey
in the world that is nicknamed what is
that because most train journeys aren't
that great anymore I never get on the
Pendolino from Houston to Manchester I'm
looking forward to this I do it because
it's getting me from A to B well I've
always wanted to do the trans-siberian
Express I'm fascinated by Russia a place
of amazing and it's the history of
living though in it Russia to mean group
what all of it it's the biggest country
in the world and all of its grim but
they actually see on the telly is people
queuing for sports and stuff like that
now maybe is a good trend really to them
maybe there are other trains that are
worse than ours what if I told you this
the luxury carriages of the
trans-siberian Express have you know all
the modern calms it's always like luxury
stuff what's the toilet situation on the
train I mean as I understand it and I
have never been on the journey so I
can't say for certain but there's you
know toilet the toilets as long as this
toilet how long you on the toy ages I'll
sit like this is me time in it I like to
sit in there it's me there's no one else
coming in annoying me when I'm in there
everywhere else are going now Suzanne's
there yeah delicious yeah we called them
yeah that needs fixing she doesn't come
in there shut the door sit there and
your legs going on that's that's the
thing to me that I've got to get off in
a minute because otherwise she'll have
to come in and help me off haha
it's not it's not one that jumped out
for me I'm not over the moon with it but
it's better than the others that's the
problem with this list we sign you up
for this one yeah right
trans-siberian Express yeah enjoy
[Music]
all right just give it a lift into town
hope you do not value life too much and
good good life insurance the brakes and
this car just failed it's the worst guy
VAT what it's British and I never
thought a car could be made as bad what
worries you here on going on the train
on the trans-siberian railway things to
do before you die even on it why would I
want to do something that's totally
predictable I'll leave it to you British
you will be packed in a snail a carriage
with Russians who will not wash for a
week but they will drink a lot
theyíre is not just one huge field you
know so in Italy or anyway what do we
want to see is a red square whatever you
think is worth seeing nothing right well
that's not great when I thought I was
miserable good Jesus
honestly if that's what I'm like season
always has our moan a lot I'm nowhere
near that level surely if she moans at
me again I wish she was here really just
so I can say come on meet this miserable
bastard I mean in the wrong job in me
it's working we tallest we don't get
that many tears here what because of him
they would don't have been at the first
point of contact when people come in
honestly it through the plane going back
now I'd get on it forget the train
journey got attacks just asking me to go
and check a place out get some food it's
got to be better than the taxi ride on
budgeting the bits all right buildings
lovely she studies a lot of Lok Satta
round when next to now on they totally
knew they didn't want a lot properly I
just sort of saw skin some of them are
this is leather furniture yishun set on
the leather sofa with a bare ass I
didn't like getting me dad's Ford
Cortina with shorts on these skins fix
to it
certainly Normie bollixed up to this and
I tell you my talk to you now is liable
having in wiped it really foul and a hat
either they go to the cameraman Ste
Marie team you know yeah it was where
you look for I didn't know nobody said
that you dress and we're waiting you in
the similar okay I'll see you in a bit
futures its soul time let's go go the
red quell like a studio for the vanilla
we gonna take a shower track everywhere
- exactly
I
only come up - I love you want to get
anything Suzanne will be later active
will be neck yeah just a nice rock
that's all I want
nice and quiet ten minutes above whale
noises
I've never seen anyone in a sauna
getting hit by a shrug well I've been in
a car wash and the thing is because I
can't feel anything at the moment the
feel scolded they might be Nettles I'll
be covered in rashes in a bit and then
they'll be watching me again we don't
mean it is the good way he said a lot
that women are made because women are
bit more screwed on I think when it
comes to knowing after relax they go
often on a floor face rope like
moustache facial I mean how do video
facially would be pay for the brick it
seems like everything that you can't
enjoy anything
[Music]
can't wait to get out of Moscow I will
enjoy it very much to be honest I've had
enough of it
got some rebels just to keep it going on
the train
glad just to get on the tracks really
start the journey that I'm here for
[Music]
this is all a bit sort of Aberdeen Angus
fake outz 17 more than la i this this
sound yeah perfect
this is all on the on space know people
annoying me no noise no crowds and just
look out the window Russia which is what
it's all about in it is going to kid
yourself these life time of night or
annoy anyone they don't have to annoy me
enjoying it for me tell you perfectly
Wiki and Steve this is what they said I
was going to get and they've delivered
[Music]
question of the traditional support
customer will now this this hada yeah
Vasiliy the incident say horrible
problem sex sex
sinus
all right just give us a minute I need
to get five and shoes now you see it's
fine yeah I'll come to room six in a
minute all right just give me a minute
I'll just put my shoes on I'll come down
to room six dad do that yeah I'll come
down in a minute
just just let me put these on and get
all my stuff together and I'll come down
down I will I will come down you want to
can find it on my own if you like I can
come down just packing my stuff twelve
in a local original beginning rough area
you think much further
[Music]
really for here where will I sit this
one's mine
[Music]
this isn't funny this this is dangerous
what class is that seriously I'm sat on
the shelf this isn't a bad
she feel like I'm drunk I hope there's
no one he's going to be above me again
Easley
I ain't no better there is a tactical
Rick Lifton got a bad [ __ ] you stop
saying at least I've got a bad grade
point box on all animals
no bad it's not the bed
[Music]
to the table
all right how's it going I'm trying
everything well yeah it was lovely for
about 20 minutes for the movement to
third class nice that you experienced
interest a while and you get more the
first time written one sort of thing the
real Russia didn't really get a chance
to get bored with it or a third class
like what do you think third party no
there was a third class I don't even
send letters yeah I can't believe no one
a third class anyway I'm letting you out
the next stop it's the 50th anniversary
of Eureka goings first spaceflight
though I've arranged to do some
cosmonaut training you're going to get
to ride in Ben tribute and experience
zero gravity everything I'm very lucky
very lucky
alright see you later see you later
in staffing if something that was done
years ago it was a nice idea
in the sixties it was all that space
race one thing people keep to get over
there but they just dare it out to me
how like everybody was sort of into
going to Tenerife in the eighties
everywhere on this day you know I mean
after that Benidorm
before that space is just terrible even
is a part of our in certain decades and
after a while people realize they're not
that great and they stop going doesn't
that's what happened with like space in
the mood not intercept zero gravity
no why can we see on the ground being in
control of where I'm going
if you live like a little with you know
understand I don't don't understand can
I see this move without me in you he
said yeah but is it possible to see it
without me and just to see what it does
in order daily ink it is
she's been slightly so it was a witty
thing it's been run aware and you'll
inferred I saw I've seen something
different to this and James Bond it was
like an egg on an arm
it was his round and you can see me face
and I can go oh that's a film do you
would make it a lot easier if I see
someone else go in here whiz round and
see what they come out like do I have
any control you will have control I'm
going to put a foot knowledge I came to
Russia to get on a train trans-siberian
railway
so Emily was at how checking slid in a
log everything educated here you could
have really got over done anything no
now I haven't now cos happens why would
I think about what you're asking you now
Richard Avedon anything like this before
what's gotten a tumble dryer
what do you mean ever done anything like
this before can you hear me
double ready three star slowly I can't
feel up yeah move it now is moving now
is try to come down please
they're trying to check your blood
pressure situation when the death begins
when he tells me the math thing it's 30
years old but a better kit and it looked
it everything is ready
here we go it's beginning yeah it was
like a giant swing ball and I was stuck
in the ball here Queen Piper
only half of 1950 of elements please
meet the public okay monkey how do you
get out feel this worthless signal down
here with Lee I've done my job
okay we go down
clean it it was alright but I did a good
job in in it's not that our being of
space not sort of built up as being
tricking complicated what you just got
to sit on your ass at the end of day
think about it they sent a chimp I mean
when you're taking over from a chimp
it's not a difficult job is it there's
no pressure on you in fact there is
pressure on you if you don't get it
right to go
you didn't Jim got it Jim managed to do
it why don't we both know just got to go
to a briefing to zero gravity and you
know it's all about my you can use it
central needs beyond the royalty during
the flight itself you feel bad don't try
to keep it from yourself vomit after
vomiting integer random or think about
me lately lamps which are very acquitted
be powering don't want to start with an
about in zero gravity
it's worried me more than the briefing
seeing the footage of people floating
about he was given Hopkins been up
though he's done it but what damage can
he possibly do to himself now is
masculine two years ago when they first
got on the moon or in space it was all
one small step for man one giant leap
for mankind
so he not sausage the blood David
Coulthard Oberg messing about in a
racing planet is not money missing badly
car those communication they're just
talking [ __ ] opener now whilst important
what else can see floating about know
anything re have you know old mattress
we can check it off your seat tell me
what are you doing hello what is your
name
Carl see looking phone what a psychosis
did you have during your life Oh loads I
got a headache so up back pain I've got
flat feet
kidney stones women what I should do
half of them now my husband then what
smoking selenium convenience roms
swollen our temperature is normal
can't be we will go to another doctor
all right how's it going counselor was
getting excited about the zero gravity
flight can't do it she doesn't recommend
you to fly but you still can't quite not
if she thought listen to the doctor
what do you mean they have to give you a
medical before you get on it the problem
is with your throat what you eat well I
can't do that with a look to do it I've
never been so happy really severe she
said your necks all swollen your nose is
glowing and your is a wet or something
you have like a [ __ ] Labrador oh ok
money aren't you harder than you're
having and you guys did it it's too
dangerous but I'll just took someone
else over there thank you for house
together working out helping nobody
bopped around it we booked the flight
and you might as well do it
just go away in Helmand no I bothered
come on sweetie
[Music]
with all my own going what would spend
all that money on a zero-gravity flying
what else could have send up sicker
levels
oh no laughter people go don't you
regret not doing it no I really never
watch the flow about it's never been a
dream I'm not one to get any leader I
don't get ill after got really ill when
I was a kid and I get some old doughnuts
outside eigem bucks is the local bakery
I went around the back and he was a load
of Kreme Doughnuts down yet anyway the
cream was off I was in agony doctor came
around told me mum that was going to die
oh he was messing about she didn't know
yet the panic on she told me dad at work
says you gotta come home Carl's dying I
was up with that load of old doughnuts
meant to be was in through space and
talking to you about Donuts diagonally
well fist up with it I've upgraded to
second class yourself and stretch my
legs out just getting sick of this
journey now it's mental how long that is
mentally
the greatest realtor in the world
longest trip no well right exactly
exactly
he said greatest it's not the longest if
sold something on the worst thing about
it
why do I do something wrong is good go
to Tenerife on among these flight you
want to do that no no I'll get that
seeing norm again you're missing the
point
I'm missing the point not missing the
point or the third of the land the world
I know what again it's madness if you
come in that distance get on a plane
we've moved on 2011 don't questions
anyone do they when they say so I do
before you die I'm on this train journey
it's never followed up with
nothing you know a little bit yeah I
don't know dad they start throw-in
eyeing me a little bit but yeah a little
bit bored not much to do I know you're a
a people person so ever reign choose me
a little nutmeg fella get yourself down
to come in five these are missing
it has country stories face I had a lot
like maybe was impressive some of these
in the Carmel for that all right someone
to talk to
[Music]
no local Michalka are you doing your
human magnet and the magnet my magnet
like magnet sort sake well they're not
evenly not special or anything what is
going on
I've never heard of such a thing I know
what you say look we're ridiculous Lana
I mean cutlery drawers or next around we
can get onto to quit you like a human
post-it now jog away today
Oh already texted magnet man management
will you magnet baby his children are
magnet what what's a normal family photo
in it handy when out shopping when you
go food shopping carrier bags these days
are really weak but very thin he comes
our way dros don't what about that can
you do that hands-free hello I love no
can you stick it on your head oh let go
that's where that would be user so let's
turn to butter the smiting you could
walk around chatting slowly monkey then
your did it up I am passing my magnetic
powers to you a bit holding an accent up
best to figure how because it's getting
heavy stop being silly
I don't think of anything where you go
brilliant I'm like no
when do you need to be a magnet what
superpower would you like them okay what
we want I'd be [ __ ] man
there's so many meetings going on where
you know people are bullshitting
I just like to walk in I'll need a
special costume just dress like this and
it's flying as your [ __ ] you're
talking [ __ ] and they go on it's
[ __ ] man
I know yeah it's all to you man he's
talking [ __ ] and eventually people
stop talking [ __ ] anything that's going
on in the world a bloke selling a car
like knackered you can feel great one of
this [ __ ] a car fatigue retching
here how are you mate but you know as a
virtual a straight down a traditional
healer who works with nature and
hopefully will help you to fully
appreciate life so yep go for the next
topic can't imagine Russians being into
therapy it's a bit soft it's a soft
thing to do and it when people have to
do that Russians are really are
Hollywood you know they'd think it's a
load of old bollocks
Karl I did it got my memo digging again
okay now
nowhere easier than this whilst digging
got a dual therapy Fabi meet some woman
who clears me air to calms me down and
that instead of meeting some bloke who
looks like you should be in mr. prior
knows how long does not take what time
did you start maybe half an hour ago are
we big enough on that she met your sight
it's my size exactly sometimes you're
better off masking questions I do you
understand what you're doing that I've
got kind of worked out I'm digging my
own grave hang on a minute
you see it is a full body yeah yes so
you had thunder you gotta pee
no oh you're watching me out agrees it
was the stretchy spunk you'll use the
pipe there's no rules there's no rules
it's Russia
yeah I'm got rules in day-to-day life of
to do what you want there mutters bill
usually the signal of three beeps we
immediately take the person out of the
ground my good mom there's no proper
system so what do you do is use go is
what three could be to do what you want
we'll hang on a minute
let's let's have a system if it goes
tits up that's what I mean I just
honestly she leaves me and out is the
best thing even cover me add a few on
cover the ED and all like that and that
means get me out
let's do this Carl and can you give us a
call when you get this because I'm just
start that thing yourself
we've been buried alive I don't know if
you know what it is but I cover you so
early I thought the left you read out
something but they want to cover me up
probably like soon as you get this yep
this is Carl I've just left a message on
Steve's phone just I'm at the burial
thing that I'm having done being buried
alive I'm not that happy about it
it's bloody darling it's Andy you're
honest with you I don't let you know
what it is if you get this can you call
me just so you know what it is and if
you're just give us a call see ya it's
quiet me brain is always against me your
brain is never on my side your brain
will make me panic I'll be going what
you're doing is worms in it you could
die it are they still up at the top you
know all at me brains against me so I
need to distract it with something else
give it some music to listen to and
you'll be happy I don't want to panic me
brain mmm a goal
I'm just going to listen some music back
of ELQ stranger on the show it always
calms me down yeah let's do it
hang on I'm got a pike
[Music]
this is one of them film is when we call
you not to try out overnight but I
wonder all right Anita did you're not
down such a light on their car a fartist
running but physically oh boy screaming
it yeah that sounds horrible I would but
uh it if they marry and just lead your
head out that's all dangerous because
sometimes deputy was a football good
don't panic I'll make it worse if you
don't like any inanimate normal just so
I'm slowly getting out of it that's how
it works
Tok Tok turn of it she was motherly year
boy
[Music]
hey how's it going what romantic are you
I did that thing yesterday got buried
alive cheers for that what being buried
in the ground under hose pipes talking
about brilliant to be honest it has been
the most relaxing thing of functions
have been a what does that tell you had
our Russia essentially you can pretty
much Lebanon Ranger and time which is
really neat unit educator so what we do
is each Association held episode sporty
excursion for you scattered quick detour
to Mongolia and the usual
[Music]
it's my left I'm not good on horses why
don't you tell me time slowly all right
no rush
I'll set even slower if you want some
Siberian balls like leather hard have
skin like your boobs bollocks
I'm with you let's do some sport - the
English debonair
what's your else did you he's not fair
like this no satellite TV yes going
you'd be sky high one why wanted to show
me a picture of a wrestler mumbled
instill vigilantly you will wrestle x10
Adam why I guess Hume suit why me did
little Luger he had injured from
accident and a head so he cannot wrestle
ya either injury driving weak risk he's
saying that if you wrestle tomorrow be
help of that family there was really
appreciated but I don't think I will win
so you're gonna be disappointed I
wrestle I don't win you get no money no
prize then what or the village will know
like carved from this family record from
UK so that's like a good price for them
like a owner they seemed really friendly
mostly friendly Norma to wrestle for
them he said he's got a damaged dead now
he said he said motorcycle accident
where's the motorbike no moral bike here
he's done that wrestling but you think
what tell me cuz it worried me no a bike
accident
I'm seeing anyone in the motorbike some
horse what why I got you
I think you're right that's arrived
tomorrow I'm leaving me underpants on
roll room they're not wearing this and
our costumes are fine I'm not asking
with this the fight was one thing
looking like this and I'm going to get
battered its degrading you got the top
on right I don't know I've no idea he's
not the sort of thing I normally wear
Richard if I'm honest so I don't know if
I've got it right or not I'm sorry about
that feel too small it's like a small
cardigan are you sure that you haven't
got one of the kids clothes mixed up
with it a little gormless in the shadow
I've never had that I have never seen me
shadow and thought what a div a look Oh
like an acorn well I suppose it will
scare this wrestling training on them
[Music]
Oh
[Music]
[Music]
[Laughter]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
you ready first for the price of it yes
but get it don't get over with we all
know the result many people aren't going
to be almost clapping what a mix this is
I could go into a jumble sale
blindfolded and pick up random stuff and
get a better mix than this what is this
what sort of look is this the national
dress I've never seen it I've watched
mr. Benn as a kid you travel all across
the world mr. then I never saw looking
like a knobbed
almost come out yeah yeah I was open
fruits Iranian
look at the size of the people behind it
I'm going to get bastard
I've had about 40 minutes training I'll
tell you that have that camera rolling
because he's going to be opening a flash
you often slow it down and all are
there's nothing to be highlight and
something to be bad fits or good bit
it's going to just be open about that
quick on the bungee train wait to turn
the corner
[Music]
[Music]
so they're 9 just look at this map we
started off in Moscow Steve said oh yeah
just go to Mongolia passing don't do the
sport thing done ma we're still on that
same line which means this train it's
not a Beijing that's where I've been
did that last time when I saw the Great
Wall didn't like it you know I didn't
like it I don't know why I'm going back
there all right
how are the Mongols treating you yeah
the Mongols are all right I've gotten
the problems with a Mongols anyway I'm
calling you because I've been looking at
the map right trains not going across
Russia anymore it's heading to Beijing
and I've been there I've told you a a
today I said China dreadful worst place
I've ever visited
okay fine why it is the all of China
it's a huge pain to that's why I think
you know that you hated it when will you
learn this is not a holiday so learn
exploring and think something's
returning please I wouldn't go there
give us the one in here broad and
inaudible and without the same always
there were United to it I can do Oh on
come
[Music]
last time I came here no when I saw the
Great Wall didn't really enjoy dinner
and I got back and I thought that to a
mate where had been and he told me about
this place and I was gutted I never came
all this way never saw him
he's weird in a way that another second
chance it was like he was meant to be I
think it's in keeping with what what
we've been doing you know travel
programs showing you the world how
others live little communities and all
that this is it 12 village they slide
this little town that they set up 12
she's got a timer something in China so
they start they stop place where they
live and work they've made it for
themselves everything they want it's
made for being a dwarf so ideal Buffy
you know skin of this ID in a little bit
of woodwork
amazing I must that's not crap is it
damn it all this also a mini channel
it's really cozy and swim it's massive
innit show me around one of your houses
out I've been in one of these to slow
down a little bit just hang on a minute
hang on now you don't mean to laugh oh
yeah I am looking for something a bit
bigger
where are the babies mamas other than
enemy good innit Kristen walks do I need
wasps yeah oh no one I know a little
dwarf it mater Ricky's I don't know what
you think of this he's always playing
roles as like elves and Santa's Little
Helper and all that's on in the day
what's the difference at least eeeh it
work every day
see p.m. showing seven days a week
dwarfs out what the busy at Christmas
wealth is in for the rest of the year
Larry's sat on the shelf name's Warwick
any film with a dwarf in it easy is that
Warwick yeah
is Karl Ricky's mate oh yeah I am I'm
just in China I'm looking at a dwarf
village and I want to run the whole sort
of concept fire because I know that
people home get a bit funny about oh you
shouldn't be you know having a little
dwarf village and all that and it's
really good the people in there dead a
pea a nice little show they put on to
start you know I start covers me if I
speak to you and say I'm at a dwarf
village and you go yeah a device nice
good on you I mean I don't think nice
why not well I mean it's not that it's
like going back to the plays of the
preacher it really only meant to get an
order in nature the girl Papa oh well
yeah I did and you know there is like
little floats in little funny outfits
and all that and you do sort of smile
for there smiling I think it's all right
innit I think it's terrible car
Thumbelina he's an inch behind the
scenes running that did you meet em yeah
there's a kink in EDM courses come on be
a show King my dear no no he was here no
it was the head man it was at the top he
had a little cloak on a crown shaved off
you could tell he was in charge what's
happening China its segregation
exploitation seriously it's not
seriously you see yes Ben this is what
annoys me with people who
I'm in the thick of it I'm stood by
their houses they're all happy there's a
woman who I met who's a little dwarf
she's only been here four months she's
already got her own mushrooms to living
now you told me that's wrong I'm just
living it hang on a minute you're being
all on your I often that the picture
that I shown of you on the telly so
people knew you were you a sack on the
shelf
yeah when young change my opinion really
I was doing something balloting form one
doing in life so if all your work dries
up they're not making another Star Wars
you can't dress up as a little monkey
you've got no money coming in you
wouldn't think about coming air then
getting up next time on an Idiot Abroad
now this is probably number one on
everyone's list I'll swim with dolphins
I'm just worried about getting a little
snidey wobble
okay if he's anything seedy I'm not
doing it
Meyer is like a warehouse for knobs
meant to be seen adults in Australia I'm
in Thailand about the Khmer kicks in the
new Spielberg series is all about
amazing action sequences dark Dino drama
and crazy car chases so against the
stunning backdrop of prehistoric earth
it's time for Terra Nova Monday on sky1
HD
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