An Idiot Abroad S02E02: Trans-Siberian Express

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the bucket list see the glaciers before

they melt

though on an African safari encounter

the world's largest mammal the ultimate

things to do before you die not me if I

was on me deathbed there's no way I'd

was be climbing Kilimanjaro it's not

things to do a few the minute or you die

it seems to do in your life easy boys

easy boys it's difficult he was so

suspicious after the last time we've

told him that he gets to choose from the

list whatever he wants to do is he like

an absolute liberal but that doesn't

mean that there won't be a few treats in

store that he's not expecting you know

this is a man who's reluctant if the man

who doesn't want to do these things well

may happen well it's making Karl do

things that other people want to do

before they die exactly yeah if it is



travel the trans-siberian railway oh wow

that's the stuff of dreams isn't it this

is known as the greatest train journey

in the world that is nicknamed what is

that because most train journeys aren't

that great anymore I never get on the

Pendolino from Houston to Manchester I'm

looking forward to this I do it because

it's getting me from A to B well I've

always wanted to do the trans-siberian

Express I'm fascinated by Russia a place

of amazing and it's the history of

living though in it Russia to mean group

what all of it it's the biggest country

in the world and all of its grim but

they actually see on the telly is people

queuing for sports and stuff like that

now maybe is a good trend really to them

maybe there are other trains that are

worse than ours what if I told you this

the luxury carriages of the

trans-siberian Express have you know all

the modern calms it's always like luxury

stuff what's the toilet situation on the

train I mean as I understand it and I

have never been on the journey so I

can't say for certain but there's you

know toilet the toilets as long as this

toilet how long you on the toy ages I'll

sit like this is me time in it I like to

sit in there it's me there's no one else

coming in annoying me when I'm in there

everywhere else are going now Suzanne's

there yeah delicious yeah we called them

yeah that needs fixing she doesn't come

in there shut the door sit there and

your legs going on that's that's the

thing to me that I've got to get off in

a minute because otherwise she'll have

to come in and help me off haha

it's not it's not one that jumped out

for me I'm not over the moon with it but

it's better than the others that's the

problem with this list we sign you up

for this one yeah right

trans-siberian Express yeah enjoy


all right just give it a lift into town

hope you do not value life too much and

good good life insurance the brakes and

this car just failed it's the worst guy

VAT what it's British and I never

thought a car could be made as bad what

worries you here on going on the train

on the trans-siberian railway things to

do before you die even on it why would I

want to do something that's totally

predictable I'll leave it to you British

you will be packed in a snail a carriage

with Russians who will not wash for a

week but they will drink a lot

theyíre is not just one huge field you

know so in Italy or anyway what do we

want to see is a red square whatever you

think is worth seeing nothing right well

that's not great when I thought I was

miserable good Jesus

honestly if that's what I'm like season

always has our moan a lot I'm nowhere

near that level surely if she moans at

me again I wish she was here really just

so I can say come on meet this miserable

bastard I mean in the wrong job in me

it's working we tallest we don't get

that many tears here what because of him

they would don't have been at the first

point of contact when people come in

honestly it through the plane going back

now I'd get on it forget the train

journey got attacks just asking me to go

and check a place out get some food it's

got to be better than the taxi ride on

budgeting the bits all right buildings

lovely she studies a lot of Lok Satta

round when next to now on they totally

knew they didn't want a lot properly I

just sort of saw skin some of them are

this is leather furniture yishun set on

the leather sofa with a bare ass I

didn't like getting me dad's Ford

Cortina with shorts on these skins fix

to it

certainly Normie bollixed up to this and

I tell you my talk to you now is liable

having in wiped it really foul and a hat

either they go to the cameraman Ste

Marie team you know yeah it was where

you look for I didn't know nobody said

that you dress and we're waiting you in

the similar okay I'll see you in a bit

futures its soul time let's go go the

red quell like a studio for the vanilla

we gonna take a shower track everywhere

- exactly


only come up - I love you want to get

anything Suzanne will be later active

will be neck yeah just a nice rock

that's all I want

nice and quiet ten minutes above whale


I've never seen anyone in a sauna

getting hit by a shrug well I've been in

a car wash and the thing is because I

can't feel anything at the moment the

feel scolded they might be Nettles I'll

be covered in rashes in a bit and then

they'll be watching me again we don't

mean it is the good way he said a lot

that women are made because women are

bit more screwed on I think when it

comes to knowing after relax they go

often on a floor face rope like

moustache facial I mean how do video

facially would be pay for the brick it

seems like everything that you can't

enjoy anything


can't wait to get out of Moscow I will

enjoy it very much to be honest I've had

enough of it

got some rebels just to keep it going on

the train

glad just to get on the tracks really

start the journey that I'm here for


this is all a bit sort of Aberdeen Angus

fake outz 17 more than la i this this

sound yeah perfect

this is all on the on space know people

annoying me no noise no crowds and just

look out the window Russia which is what

it's all about in it is going to kid

yourself these life time of night or

annoy anyone they don't have to annoy me

enjoying it for me tell you perfectly

Wiki and Steve this is what they said I

was going to get and they've delivered


question of the traditional support

customer will now this this hada yeah

Vasiliy the incident say horrible

problem sex sex


all right just give us a minute I need

to get five and shoes now you see it's

fine yeah I'll come to room six in a

minute all right just give me a minute

I'll just put my shoes on I'll come down

to room six dad do that yeah I'll come

down in a minute

just just let me put these on and get

all my stuff together and I'll come down

down I will I will come down you want to

can find it on my own if you like I can

come down just packing my stuff twelve

in a local original beginning rough area

you think much further


really for here where will I sit this

one's mine


this isn't funny this this is dangerous

what class is that seriously I'm sat on

the shelf this isn't a bad

she feel like I'm drunk I hope there's

no one he's going to be above me again


I ain't no better there is a tactical

Rick Lifton got a bad [ __ ] you stop

saying at least I've got a bad grade

point box on all animals

no bad it's not the bed


to the table

all right how's it going I'm trying

everything well yeah it was lovely for

about 20 minutes for the movement to

third class nice that you experienced

interest a while and you get more the

first time written one sort of thing the

real Russia didn't really get a chance

to get bored with it or a third class

like what do you think third party no

there was a third class I don't even

send letters yeah I can't believe no one

a third class anyway I'm letting you out

the next stop it's the 50th anniversary

of Eureka goings first spaceflight

though I've arranged to do some

cosmonaut training you're going to get

to ride in Ben tribute and experience

zero gravity everything I'm very lucky

very lucky

alright see you later see you later

in staffing if something that was done

years ago it was a nice idea

in the sixties it was all that space

race one thing people keep to get over

there but they just dare it out to me

how like everybody was sort of into

going to Tenerife in the eighties

everywhere on this day you know I mean

after that Benidorm

before that space is just terrible even

is a part of our in certain decades and

after a while people realize they're not

that great and they stop going doesn't

that's what happened with like space in

the mood not intercept zero gravity

no why can we see on the ground being in

control of where I'm going

if you live like a little with you know

understand I don't don't understand can

I see this move without me in you he

said yeah but is it possible to see it

without me and just to see what it does

in order daily ink it is

she's been slightly so it was a witty

thing it's been run aware and you'll

inferred I saw I've seen something

different to this and James Bond it was

like an egg on an arm

it was his round and you can see me face

and I can go oh that's a film do you

would make it a lot easier if I see

someone else go in here whiz round and

see what they come out like do I have

any control you will have control I'm

going to put a foot knowledge I came to

Russia to get on a train trans-siberian


so Emily was at how checking slid in a

log everything educated here you could

have really got over done anything no

now I haven't now cos happens why would

I think about what you're asking you now

Richard Avedon anything like this before

what's gotten a tumble dryer

what do you mean ever done anything like

this before can you hear me

double ready three star slowly I can't

feel up yeah move it now is moving now

is try to come down please

they're trying to check your blood

pressure situation when the death begins

when he tells me the math thing it's 30

years old but a better kit and it looked

it everything is ready

here we go it's beginning yeah it was

like a giant swing ball and I was stuck

in the ball here Queen Piper

only half of 1950 of elements please

meet the public okay monkey how do you

get out feel this worthless signal down

here with Lee I've done my job

okay we go down

clean it it was alright but I did a good

job in in it's not that our being of

space not sort of built up as being

tricking complicated what you just got

to sit on your ass at the end of day

think about it they sent a chimp I mean

when you're taking over from a chimp

it's not a difficult job is it there's

no pressure on you in fact there is

pressure on you if you don't get it

right to go

you didn't Jim got it Jim managed to do

it why don't we both know just got to go

to a briefing to zero gravity and you

know it's all about my you can use it

central needs beyond the royalty during

the flight itself you feel bad don't try

to keep it from yourself vomit after

vomiting integer random or think about

me lately lamps which are very acquitted

be powering don't want to start with an

about in zero gravity

it's worried me more than the briefing

seeing the footage of people floating

about he was given Hopkins been up

though he's done it but what damage can

he possibly do to himself now is

masculine two years ago when they first

got on the moon or in space it was all

one small step for man one giant leap

for mankind

so he not sausage the blood David

Coulthard Oberg messing about in a

racing planet is not money missing badly

car those communication they're just

talking [ __ ] opener now whilst important

what else can see floating about know

anything re have you know old mattress

we can check it off your seat tell me

what are you doing hello what is your


Carl see looking phone what a psychosis

did you have during your life Oh loads I

got a headache so up back pain I've got

flat feet

kidney stones women what I should do

half of them now my husband then what

smoking selenium convenience roms

swollen our temperature is normal

can't be we will go to another doctor

all right how's it going counselor was

getting excited about the zero gravity

flight can't do it she doesn't recommend

you to fly but you still can't quite not

if she thought listen to the doctor

what do you mean they have to give you a

medical before you get on it the problem

is with your throat what you eat well I

can't do that with a look to do it I've

never been so happy really severe she

said your necks all swollen your nose is

glowing and your is a wet or something

you have like a [ __ ] Labrador oh ok

money aren't you harder than you're

having and you guys did it it's too

dangerous but I'll just took someone

else over there thank you for house

together working out helping nobody

bopped around it we booked the flight

and you might as well do it

just go away in Helmand no I bothered

come on sweetie


with all my own going what would spend

all that money on a zero-gravity flying

what else could have send up sicker


oh no laughter people go don't you

regret not doing it no I really never

watch the flow about it's never been a

dream I'm not one to get any leader I

don't get ill after got really ill when

I was a kid and I get some old doughnuts

outside eigem bucks is the local bakery

I went around the back and he was a load

of Kreme Doughnuts down yet anyway the

cream was off I was in agony doctor came

around told me mum that was going to die

oh he was messing about she didn't know

yet the panic on she told me dad at work

says you gotta come home Carl's dying I

was up with that load of old doughnuts

meant to be was in through space and

talking to you about Donuts diagonally

well fist up with it I've upgraded to

second class yourself and stretch my

legs out just getting sick of this

journey now it's mental how long that is


the greatest realtor in the world

longest trip no well right exactly


he said greatest it's not the longest if

sold something on the worst thing about


why do I do something wrong is good go

to Tenerife on among these flight you

want to do that no no I'll get that

seeing norm again you're missing the


I'm missing the point not missing the

point or the third of the land the world

I know what again it's madness if you

come in that distance get on a plane

we've moved on 2011 don't questions

anyone do they when they say so I do

before you die I'm on this train journey

it's never followed up with

nothing you know a little bit yeah I

don't know dad they start throw-in

eyeing me a little bit but yeah a little

bit bored not much to do I know you're a

a people person so ever reign choose me

a little nutmeg fella get yourself down

to come in five these are missing

it has country stories face I had a lot

like maybe was impressive some of these

in the Carmel for that all right someone

to talk to


no local Michalka are you doing your

human magnet and the magnet my magnet

like magnet sort sake well they're not

evenly not special or anything what is

going on

I've never heard of such a thing I know

what you say look we're ridiculous Lana

I mean cutlery drawers or next around we

can get onto to quit you like a human

post-it now jog away today

Oh already texted magnet man management

will you magnet baby his children are

magnet what what's a normal family photo

in it handy when out shopping when you

go food shopping carrier bags these days

are really weak but very thin he comes

our way dros don't what about that can

you do that hands-free hello I love no

can you stick it on your head oh let go

that's where that would be user so let's

turn to butter the smiting you could

walk around chatting slowly monkey then

your did it up I am passing my magnetic

powers to you a bit holding an accent up

best to figure how because it's getting

heavy stop being silly

I don't think of anything where you go

brilliant I'm like no

when do you need to be a magnet what

superpower would you like them okay what

we want I'd be [ __ ] man

there's so many meetings going on where

you know people are bullshitting

I just like to walk in I'll need a

special costume just dress like this and

it's flying as your [ __ ] you're

talking [ __ ] and they go on it's

[ __ ] man

I know yeah it's all to you man he's

talking [ __ ] and eventually people

stop talking [ __ ] anything that's going

on in the world a bloke selling a car

like knackered you can feel great one of

this [ __ ] a car fatigue retching

here how are you mate but you know as a

virtual a straight down a traditional

healer who works with nature and

hopefully will help you to fully

appreciate life so yep go for the next

topic can't imagine Russians being into

therapy it's a bit soft it's a soft

thing to do and it when people have to

do that Russians are really are

Hollywood you know they'd think it's a

load of old bollocks

Karl I did it got my memo digging again

okay now

nowhere easier than this whilst digging

got a dual therapy Fabi meet some woman

who clears me air to calms me down and

that instead of meeting some bloke who

looks like you should be in mr. prior

knows how long does not take what time

did you start maybe half an hour ago are

we big enough on that she met your sight

it's my size exactly sometimes you're

better off masking questions I do you

understand what you're doing that I've

got kind of worked out I'm digging my

own grave hang on a minute

you see it is a full body yeah yes so

you had thunder you gotta pee

no oh you're watching me out agrees it

was the stretchy spunk you'll use the

pipe there's no rules there's no rules

it's Russia

yeah I'm got rules in day-to-day life of

to do what you want there mutters bill

usually the signal of three beeps we

immediately take the person out of the

ground my good mom there's no proper

system so what do you do is use go is

what three could be to do what you want

we'll hang on a minute

let's let's have a system if it goes

tits up that's what I mean I just

honestly she leaves me and out is the

best thing even cover me add a few on

cover the ED and all like that and that

means get me out

let's do this Carl and can you give us a

call when you get this because I'm just

start that thing yourself

we've been buried alive I don't know if

you know what it is but I cover you so

early I thought the left you read out

something but they want to cover me up

probably like soon as you get this yep

this is Carl I've just left a message on

Steve's phone just I'm at the burial

thing that I'm having done being buried

alive I'm not that happy about it

it's bloody darling it's Andy you're

honest with you I don't let you know

what it is if you get this can you call

me just so you know what it is and if

you're just give us a call see ya it's

quiet me brain is always against me your

brain is never on my side your brain

will make me panic I'll be going what

you're doing is worms in it you could

die it are they still up at the top you

know all at me brains against me so I

need to distract it with something else

give it some music to listen to and

you'll be happy I don't want to panic me

brain mmm a goal

I'm just going to listen some music back

of ELQ stranger on the show it always

calms me down yeah let's do it

hang on I'm got a pike


this is one of them film is when we call

you not to try out overnight but I

wonder all right Anita did you're not

down such a light on their car a fartist

running but physically oh boy screaming

it yeah that sounds horrible I would but

uh it if they marry and just lead your

head out that's all dangerous because

sometimes deputy was a football good

don't panic I'll make it worse if you

don't like any inanimate normal just so

I'm slowly getting out of it that's how

it works

Tok Tok turn of it she was motherly year



hey how's it going what romantic are you

I did that thing yesterday got buried

alive cheers for that what being buried

in the ground under hose pipes talking

about brilliant to be honest it has been

the most relaxing thing of functions

have been a what does that tell you had

our Russia essentially you can pretty

much Lebanon Ranger and time which is

really neat unit educator so what we do

is each Association held episode sporty

excursion for you scattered quick detour

to Mongolia and the usual


it's my left I'm not good on horses why

don't you tell me time slowly all right

no rush

I'll set even slower if you want some

Siberian balls like leather hard have

skin like your boobs bollocks

I'm with you let's do some sport - the

English debonair

what's your else did you he's not fair

like this no satellite TV yes going

you'd be sky high one why wanted to show

me a picture of a wrestler mumbled

instill vigilantly you will wrestle x10

Adam why I guess Hume suit why me did

little Luger he had injured from

accident and a head so he cannot wrestle

ya either injury driving weak risk he's

saying that if you wrestle tomorrow be

help of that family there was really

appreciated but I don't think I will win

so you're gonna be disappointed I

wrestle I don't win you get no money no

prize then what or the village will know

like carved from this family record from

UK so that's like a good price for them

like a owner they seemed really friendly

mostly friendly Norma to wrestle for

them he said he's got a damaged dead now

he said he said motorcycle accident

where's the motorbike no moral bike here

he's done that wrestling but you think

what tell me cuz it worried me no a bike


I'm seeing anyone in the motorbike some

horse what why I got you

I think you're right that's arrived

tomorrow I'm leaving me underpants on

roll room they're not wearing this and

our costumes are fine I'm not asking

with this the fight was one thing

looking like this and I'm going to get

battered its degrading you got the top

on right I don't know I've no idea he's

not the sort of thing I normally wear

Richard if I'm honest so I don't know if

I've got it right or not I'm sorry about

that feel too small it's like a small

cardigan are you sure that you haven't

got one of the kids clothes mixed up

with it a little gormless in the shadow

I've never had that I have never seen me

shadow and thought what a div a look Oh

like an acorn well I suppose it will

scare this wrestling training on them











you ready first for the price of it yes

but get it don't get over with we all

know the result many people aren't going

to be almost clapping what a mix this is

I could go into a jumble sale

blindfolded and pick up random stuff and

get a better mix than this what is this

what sort of look is this the national

dress I've never seen it I've watched

mr. Benn as a kid you travel all across

the world mr. then I never saw looking

like a knobbed

almost come out yeah yeah I was open

fruits Iranian

look at the size of the people behind it

I'm going to get bastard

I've had about 40 minutes training I'll

tell you that have that camera rolling

because he's going to be opening a flash

you often slow it down and all are

there's nothing to be highlight and

something to be bad fits or good bit

it's going to just be open about that

quick on the bungee train wait to turn

the corner



so they're 9 just look at this map we

started off in Moscow Steve said oh yeah

just go to Mongolia passing don't do the

sport thing done ma we're still on that

same line which means this train it's

not a Beijing that's where I've been

did that last time when I saw the Great

Wall didn't like it you know I didn't

like it I don't know why I'm going back

there all right

how are the Mongols treating you yeah

the Mongols are all right I've gotten

the problems with a Mongols anyway I'm

calling you because I've been looking at

the map right trains not going across

Russia anymore it's heading to Beijing

and I've been there I've told you a a

today I said China dreadful worst place

I've ever visited

okay fine why it is the all of China

it's a huge pain to that's why I think

you know that you hated it when will you

learn this is not a holiday so learn

exploring and think something's

returning please I wouldn't go there

give us the one in here broad and

inaudible and without the same always

there were United to it I can do Oh on



last time I came here no when I saw the

Great Wall didn't really enjoy dinner

and I got back and I thought that to a

mate where had been and he told me about

this place and I was gutted I never came

all this way never saw him

he's weird in a way that another second

chance it was like he was meant to be I

think it's in keeping with what what

we've been doing you know travel

programs showing you the world how

others live little communities and all

that this is it 12 village they slide

this little town that they set up 12

she's got a timer something in China so

they start they stop place where they

live and work they've made it for

themselves everything they want it's

made for being a dwarf so ideal Buffy

you know skin of this ID in a little bit

of woodwork

amazing I must that's not crap is it

damn it all this also a mini channel

it's really cozy and swim it's massive

innit show me around one of your houses

out I've been in one of these to slow

down a little bit just hang on a minute

hang on now you don't mean to laugh oh

yeah I am looking for something a bit


where are the babies mamas other than

enemy good innit Kristen walks do I need

wasps yeah oh no one I know a little

dwarf it mater Ricky's I don't know what

you think of this he's always playing

roles as like elves and Santa's Little

Helper and all that's on in the day

what's the difference at least eeeh it

work every day

see p.m. showing seven days a week

dwarfs out what the busy at Christmas

wealth is in for the rest of the year

Larry's sat on the shelf name's Warwick

any film with a dwarf in it easy is that

Warwick yeah

is Karl Ricky's mate oh yeah I am I'm

just in China I'm looking at a dwarf

village and I want to run the whole sort

of concept fire because I know that

people home get a bit funny about oh you

shouldn't be you know having a little

dwarf village and all that and it's

really good the people in there dead a

pea a nice little show they put on to

start you know I start covers me if I

speak to you and say I'm at a dwarf

village and you go yeah a device nice

good on you I mean I don't think nice

why not well I mean it's not that it's

like going back to the plays of the

preacher it really only meant to get an

order in nature the girl Papa oh well

yeah I did and you know there is like

little floats in little funny outfits

and all that and you do sort of smile

for there smiling I think it's all right

innit I think it's terrible car

Thumbelina he's an inch behind the

scenes running that did you meet em yeah

there's a kink in EDM courses come on be

a show King my dear no no he was here no

it was the head man it was at the top he

had a little cloak on a crown shaved off

you could tell he was in charge what's

happening China its segregation

exploitation seriously it's not

seriously you see yes Ben this is what

annoys me with people who

I'm in the thick of it I'm stood by

their houses they're all happy there's a

woman who I met who's a little dwarf

she's only been here four months she's

already got her own mushrooms to living

now you told me that's wrong I'm just

living it hang on a minute you're being

all on your I often that the picture

that I shown of you on the telly so

people knew you were you a sack on the


yeah when young change my opinion really

I was doing something balloting form one

doing in life so if all your work dries

up they're not making another Star Wars

you can't dress up as a little monkey

you've got no money coming in you

wouldn't think about coming air then

getting up next time on an Idiot Abroad

now this is probably number one on

everyone's list I'll swim with dolphins

I'm just worried about getting a little

snidey wobble

okay if he's anything seedy I'm not

doing it

Meyer is like a warehouse for knobs

meant to be seen adults in Australia I'm

in Thailand about the Khmer kicks in the

new Spielberg series is all about

amazing action sequences dark Dino drama

and crazy car chases so against the

stunning backdrop of prehistoric earth

it's time for Terra Nova Monday on sky1