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Should You Tell A Narcissist Who They Really Are?



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[Music]

welcome to thriver TV the place to break

free from narcissistic abuse with

quantum tools and understandings so

today's thriver TV episode is big it's

huge

and it's crazy this is really really

crazy this one because I'm going to put

it to you like this I just want to take

you through a scenario because this is

what I did I called the narcissist out

and most of us have tried to well we

wanted to well we we actually thought we

could and this is how this went with

narcissist number one what I did is I've

researched everything about narcissist

and I was really really learnt on the

topic and I sat him down and I said this

is what is going on with you crazy

person

you've got narcissistic personality

disorder and this means you have a

severe lack of empathy you have a

diminished true self because of the

trauma you suffered as a child you

placed a fictitious character in his

place and you now operate from your ego

and you need narcissistic supply like a

heroin addict needs the drug and this is

why you operate the way you do with

limited consciousness big knee-jerk

reactions and wanting to punish me for

all the traumas you feel inside of you

that you refuse to take responsibility

for that's what I said what was I

expecting looking back at what I now

know what on earth was I expecting as

his response maybe it was something you

know like this for sure Melanie I know

you're right about this I am so sorry I

know I'm emotionally and mentally Mel

adapting due to my disowned trauma

inside me that I have got no intention

of facing and healing but now now

because you brought this to my attention

I have every intention of doing just

that now I'm going to take myself off

into deep syrupy which will just happen

to be super tools

are much more effective than mere

cognitive therapy these are going to be

ones that will actually work on most

subconscious and I'm going to fully meet

be with and shift my wounds that I've

been terminally avoiding because they

felt self annihilating for me to face

them and I'm going to leave you alone

I'm not going to give you any more grief

and I'm going to stick with this 100%

until I heal and then I'm going to come

back to you as a healed whole individual

who you can finally have a healthy

relationship with really do you think

this is plausible I don't think so

there are two reasons why this was never

going to happen and we're going to have

a look at the first one and it is about

the narcissist and the first one is is

because an unconscious person is an

unconscious person narcissists are

unconscious and an unconscious person in

my humble opinion is this is someone who

is not taking personal responsibility

for their life it's someone who's asleep

someone who's not awake someone who

doesn't realize that they are the

generative source of their own

experience and this person is not going

to take responsibility to become the

change that they need to be which is

always within their own inner identity

which is where all behavior comes from

from our belief systems and levels of

trauma or otherwise they're not going to

take that responsibility as an adult in

order to shape their life in their

environment differently and as far as

the narcissist is concerned how they

behave is everyone else's fault the

narcissist as far as he or she is

concerned is a victim of everyone else

and from their environment and they're

not willing to look at the inner wording

that caused them to show up in such

pathological and destructive ways so

when the narcissist divorced and killed

off their

being deeming it unacceptable or

ineffective to continue life with and

this was generally an unconscious

decision as a young child they forfeited

their organic ability to be conscious

consciousness comes from true self

operation and consciousness comes from

false self operation and the narcissist

does not look within or work on

themselves in order to create a

different life

they look outwards they blame punish

control and manipulate because there is

no one home inside them to do it

differently and this isn't personal it

just is the narcissist brain wiring is

firmly set on deflect away from the

destroyed inner then your own pathways

have recirc it into unconsciousness

pointing outwards instead of inwards so

this is what the narcissist actually did

say to me like what all narcissist say

when you call them out he said to me let

me look at the list of what a narcissist

does and then he looked at all of that

list and he said you do all these things

this describes you not me which of

course hit my buttons of being incensed

about his unconsciousness and maybe

going harder trying to make him act

consciously so then of course the

inevitable happened with this I was tied

up for the next three weeks trying to

prove my point thinking that this

discovery about his narcissism was going

to make a difference and yet all I did

was hand over copious amounts of

narcissistic supply which of course is

attention with my lecturing and

prescribing to him about how I was right

and he was wrong and it's just complete

and utter madness and I became even more

damaged as a result of all of that so

now let's have a look at the second

reason that calling out a narcissist is

never go

to work within this this is the real

reason I really believe this is the real

reason it's not meant to work and you

might really struggle to hear this but

this is a truth this is not the

narcissus lesson your life experience as

an adult is your lesson no one else's

just as their life experience is there's

no exception and as soon as you make

your life experience somebody else's

responsibility then you've gone

unconscious and we know what that's

called it's called wrong town the

narcissus is not responsible for your

life you are and this is where your only

power is you accepting that you knowing

that when you make the narcissus

responsible for your life this is saying

crazy person I can't be sane until I

change you from being a crazy person

into a seen one and this is the ultimate

handing our power over when we do that

because you know all we can say to that

is good luck we've had because the more

you try to control and add a control

person in order for you to feel in

control of your life the more out of

control you're going to become the only

way to feel sane and in control is to

let go of all attachment to everyone

else

and do the work inside your own traumas

that are causing you to feel crazy and

out of control with other people period

and that's it it's the only way some

people say calling out a narcissist is

dangerous because they could turn on you

as a result of pulling down their mask

and then they're going to line you up

and make your life hell and all that

stuff it's not always the case the

narcissus may simply enjoy using it as

another hook to get you to argue prove a

point and get all righteous with them

about it and that of course feeds a

narcissist narcissistic supply the

feelings that they exist and therefore

they're significant

because they can affect another

individual so severely so good attention

bad attention it makes no difference

it's all energy to a narcissist

narcissus love drama they love arguments

and also he or she may feel really

righteous and totally entitled to make

you see to try to make you see that

you're the narcissist because honestly

he or she believes that they really do

believe that so you know really our

healthy choices I believer this what we

should be concerned about in regard to

our actions with narcissist is what

works and what doesn't work in relation

to are we going to heal and start

generating a life that's free of abuse

and disappointing relationships or not

and if we're serious about this these

are the real questions that have got

absolutely nothing to do with calling

out narcissus are we becoming the change

we want to see in our life are we taking

our power back by healing the real

unconscious reasons and wounds that

allowed us to stay attached to abusers

and which had not allowed us to pull

away and know that we can generate our

life without them are we healing our

unfinished previously unhealed childhood

and ancestral business have we stopped

fruitlessly looking outside of ourselves

for love approval security and survival

and have we stopped handing our power

over by holding people responsible for

our own lives have we stopped clinging

to other people to try to force them to

provide what our inner identities didn't

develop in childhood in order to become

a healthy solid mature self-generative

adult I know that when I hadn't healed

that stuff I held the narcissus in my

life responsible I felt the terror the

emptiness and the panic that if I didn't

fix him I could not be that source to

myself so could I fix him could I make

him get it

could I make his narcissism known to him

so that he could take responsibility for

it heal it or control it or do something

else so that he could grant me my life

of course not and I was not supposed to

and even if that had worked and it was

never going to work even if it did how

would have I ever enjoyed my life by

becoming my own source of joy

inspiration happiness and expansion when

I needed somebody else to grant me it

that's not freedom that's not life

that's dependency and it's precarious

how could have I ever been full and

solid enough inside to no longer be

needy and make choices to self-medicate

my fears instead of be conscious enough

to heal them and then be able to choose

what is or isn't healthy and easily

leave alone all potentials that aren't I

wouldn't be able to do that and my life

still would feel anxious depressed and

empty which perform I thrive a recovery

from narcissistic abuse it always did

even before narcissistic abuse and of

course I would have just become more and

more traumatized and damaged as a result

of assigning abusers as my heal is

instead of becoming a healer to myself

and that's what I did that's what I did

in the past and that pattern nearly

killed me as it sadly does so many

people either literally or emotionally

so my total suggestion to you is don't

call a narcissist out because what are

you trying to achieve there is nothing

to achieve by doing so you're only going

to hook yourself to them harder calling

someone out never make somebody heal for

you it only makes them push back harder

which leaves people less people feeling

more abused and more devastated the

truth is this leaving people alone

without feeding them any energy alone

with themselves in their wounds is the

only way people would choose to self

partner and meet themselves and it will

never happen because you are holding

onto it as a condition for your own life

and happiness there is only one reason

that we do fight with people and we

lecture and prescribe to them because

we're holding them responsible for what

we have not as yet provided for

ourselves which is emotional peace and

wholeness and this might be a really

bitter pill to swallow but a very

necessary one if you want to get off the

emotional holocaust that you've been

feeling and experiencing in your life

with narcissus lecturing and prescribing

never will and never can generate change

and relief it's a total false premise so

if you want to call a narcissist out do

it as your final comment and then do no

contact for the rest of your life with

them that was my final comment to

narcissus number two and what I said is

I know you're a narcissist I'm done I'm

gone and I meant it I never had contact

with him again and I had no attachment

whatsoever to him getting it agreeing

with me not projecting it at me or doing

anything about it whatsoever

it was simply my closing statement and

then I got down to the absolute business

of fully one out 180 degree turning

inwards to self partner and heal my own

wounds weak want of freedom healing that

he had activated within me and the rest

is history I'm thriving absolutely I'm

thriving which is what we were all born

to do so I hope that this is really

helped and it's inspired you not to try

to force the narcissus to understand

that there are narcissists and let go

and get on to your healing because on

the other side of that is where your

true self life is your amazing life that

you were born to live so come over to

the blog and let's have a conversation

about this and you can do that by

clicking the link that comes up

in this video and and I'd really love to

have a conversation about this with you

so until the next driver TV episode

keeps smiling keep healing and keep

thriving because there is nothing else

to do lots of love bye bye