Need up to 30 seconds to load.
- Hey, guys, Cassey here.
I'd first like to start off this video
by very clearly stating that if you are triggered
by numbers and transformation photos,
please don't watch this video.
I'd also like to very, very clearly state
that no, I do not have an eating disorder,
no, I don't have a body image disorder,
no, I don't hate myself,
no, this journey was not for you, it was for me.
Are we clear?
Okay, good 'cause we're movin' on.
For those of you who have been reading my blog
for the past few months,
you already know that I've been on a 90-day journey
to get in the best shape of my life mentally and physically.
But for those of you who are just tuning in right now,
let me give you a little rundown
of why I decided to embark on such a journey.
At the end of this past summer,
Sam and I had just finished a three-day retreat.
And on our way back to the airport,
I broke down and just started crying out of nowhere.
I don't know what it is about retreats,
but they just crack you open
and make you face things you don't wanna face.
As Sam was driving, all this emotion overpowered my body,
and I became overwhelmed with sadness,
when I realized that I was not living
the life that I wanted.
I felt lost, I felt stagnant,
and I no longer knew who I was.
I realized that I was no longer my true, authentic self.
I felt fake, I felt soulless.
I had stopped doing the things that I really wanted to do
that was gonna make me happy 'cause I was afraid.
You see, being in the public eye for over 10 years now,
I began to say less and less for fear of being judged.
Back when I start Blogilates in 2009,
I was pretty much blogging seven days a week.
But as Blogilates got bigger and bigger,
I became more and more safe and less and less vocal
because I was afraid of making people unhappy.
I went from blogging seven days a week
to blogging maybe seven days a year 'cause I felt
like I was always upsetting people all the time.
Any time I shared what I ate,
someone would call me a murderer.
Any time I talked about my body,
someone would say I was too fat to be a trainer.
Any time I talked about my heritage,
someone would tell me to take the race out of it.
And the one time I talked about how happy I was
that gay marriage was now legal,
I lost 4,000 followers in just a few minutes.
So, over time, I taught myself to hold back
my real thoughts and opinions to keep people happy.
Unfortunately, this caused me to become
a slave to other people's opinion of me,
and I ended up molding myself into this vanilla cupcake
whose goal is to offend no one.
In doing so, I lost my identity.
After the plane ride home,
I took some time to ask myself what I really wanted.
And on August 16th, I decided it was time
to make a big change.
I told Sam that I wanted to go on a 90-day journey
to get in the best shape of my life physically and mentally.
I told him that I wanted to document the entire journey
on my blog in order to keep myself accountable.
Blogilates.com would return to what it once was,
my safe space and my personal fitness diary.
I would once again be honest, real, and raw.
But I was hesitant.
I knew a lot of people would be upset
at how transparent I was about to get.
I knew that for myself, I needed to announce
my goal weight and my goal body fat percentage
in order to keep me hyper focused.
I personally like using numbers
because they keep me honest.
Plus, they give me something to objectively work towards.
But I knew that for the people
going through body insecurity issues,
talk of scales and weight could be upsetting,
which I totally get, you guys,
'cause I didn't step on a scale for a couple years
'cause of the way I would let it control my emotions.
But once I realized that I was allowing an object
to have power over my self-worth,
I saw how ridiculous it was
and stopped giving the scale so much control.
Instead, I began viewing the scale as just a tool
that was there to help me collect data points.
That is what helped me switch my mindset.
Anyway, announcing my goals publicly was important to me
because it gave me the accountability
I needed to stay on track.
If I knew that people were watching,
I'd be less likely to give up.
So after reviewing the entire plan with Sam,
I made my decision to announce
my 90-day journey publicly on August 16th.
You know, I kinda knew I was gonna get some backlash,
but I was not prepared
for how much backlash
I was gonna get.
Look, some people were excited to follow along.
Some people were genuinely concerned about me.
But a bunch of people were just straight up rude,
mean-spirited, and in some cases, derogatory and hateful.
The comments made about my character and my intentions
are the ones that made me cry.
I'd feel really terrible about myself for a long time.
Now that I've had three months to think about it,
here's my take on why my 90-day journey
was received with so much negativity.
You see, it's weird.
When you start out teaching Pilates on YouTube
with the pure goal of just teaching Pilates,
and the people start making comments about how fat you are,
then when the media brands you as a body positive influencer
because you're so brave
for teaching Pilates without a six pack,
all of a sudden you become a leader of a movement
who didn't ask to become a part of.
So, then, when you as a fitness instructor
decide to do something heinous, oh, you know,
such as maybe embark on a 90-day journey
where you decide to eat cleaner and work out a little more,
all of a sudden you're branded as a bad role model,
irresponsible, mentally ill, too skinny,
and an embarrassment and disappointment to woman-kind.
Oh, and to add to that, let's not forget
how the good old media stepped in
when I announced my 90-day journey
and added fuel to the fire.
On top of it all, they labeled me
controversial. (glass breaking)
So, anyway, I guess I can understand how I got here,
but I just don't understand why people
have to be so mean and degrading.
It's just rude. Stop!
Okay, now moving on.
First off, I literally cannot believe
90 days flew by so fast, like what?
It's insane how when you're so focused,
when you want something so bad,
and when you're genuinely enjoying the process,
it doesn't feel like work.
I truly have enjoyed
being on this 90-day journey so, so much.
With every day that passed,
I felt more and more like myself again.
I shed away the old Cassey
who is afraid of other people's opinion of her
and grew into a more confident, happier,
stronger, and sassier version of myself.
As Hailey Seinfeld would say, "I love me."
Before I go any further, I wanna make it clear
that I didn't go on this journey because I hated my body.
I went on this journey because I loved my body so much
that I wanted to dedicate time
towards improving myself mentally and physically.
Now, I wanna take us back to day one.
I'm gonna read through my actual blog post
to see where my head was at 90 days ago.
Working out used to be something
that I enjoyed quietly as a regular person.
Blogging used to be a safe space
where I could truly spill my honest thoughts.
But now everything that I do, eat, or say is critiqued.
Of course, 100% by my choice for being a public figure,
but the public judgment of it all
has made me a more timid, scared person.
I tip toe around sensitive personalities
and just treat everything like it's so fragile, but no more.
I'm gonna grab life by the balls
and just live life the way I want.
So today is day one of 90.
I said it. And I'm not taking it back.
This is a personal journey I wanna embark on
to get in the best shape of my life mentally and physically.
It begins today August 16th and will end November 14th.
I wrote that my physical goals were to reach 120 pounds
and an athlete-level body fat percentage of 20%.
In terms of wellness goals, I said I would reward myself
with one self-care thing a week like deep tissue massages.
In terms of blogging goals, I announced in all caps
that I will blog every day for 90 days
as a way of training myself
to journal and self-reflect daily.
I started off day one by stepping on a scale,
measuring my weight and body fat,
and then recording all of my measurements in my Fit Journal.
I started out at 136 pounds,
the heaviest I have ever been at five foot five,
and 24.4% body fat,
which is in the upper range of fitness
and the lower end of average
on this body fat chart from ACE,
the American Council on Exercise.
I also ended up measuring myself live on Instagram,
which was kinda crazy, but whatever.
I was like, "If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this!"
So, let's start out by talking about the workouts.
In general, I was working out six days a week
with one day of rest.
It was a combination of running at the beginning,
Pilates, HIIT, PIIT28, dancing, and weight lifting.
I was very consistent until the last week and a half
of my 90-day journey due to travel rehearsals and shoots.
It was just crazy.
So, workout-wise, my routine didn't really change that much
from before the 90-day journey and into the 90-day journey.
The only thing that changed
was I started taking dance classes.
And you guys, I have to tell you
it's been the best thing ever
'cause I just feel so happy.
I discovered this class called Heels.
And if you haven't seen me do it yet,
go check out my Instagram,
but basically, you're wearing high heels and you're dancing.
You're being super sexy, sometimes even raunchy,
but oh my gosh, it is such a confidence booster!
And the community of women in the class, oh my gosh,
everyone is so positive and supported.
I just walk out of class feeling like a million bucks,
and I literally can't wait
to take the class every Thursday night.
So, that's been really fun,
and I feel like it's helped a lot with reducing my stress
and just making me feel good in general.
Now, let's talk food.
The first month of my 90-day journey, I was doing lazy keto.
So, high fat, low carb, moderate protein.
I wasn't calculating my macros or calories,
but I was very conscious of my carb levels being pretty low
and my fat levels being pretty high
in comparison to each other.
I allowed myself to eat cheese,
which I normally don't 'cause I'm lactose intolerant,
so it was actually kinda fun going keto in the beginning.
Then around 1 1/2 months in, I saw stagnation,
so I switched to a more strict form of keto
which excluded dairy and nuts.
So basically, it wasn't as fun.
But at the start of month two,
I was getting some terrible headaches.
I was constantly thirsty and super fatigued.
I realized that these were the symptoms
of something called the keto flu.
Eventually, it passed,
but then it came back again and even worse.
So I consulted a keto expert who told me
that the reason why I was getting these symptoms
was because I wasn't having enough salt
and I wasn't taking the right supplements.
Per his advice, I began to eat much saltier foods,
and I started taking some MCT oil powders,
probiotic powders, and exogenous ketones.
It definitely helped cure my keto flu.
However, after a couple weeks of doing all of that,
I came to the conclusion that if keto required me
to take all of these extra things to feel balanced,
then keto probably wasn't the right thing for me.
I'm a huge believer in letting food be my medicine
and medicine be my food.
So around mid-month two, I began to incorporate more fruits,
and I began lowering my fat intake.
My staples were berries and kombucha.
Oh my gosh, I love kombucha so much!
Oh, and there was this whole phase
of me eating pumpkin pie hummus.
You guys can get it at Costco. It's so good.
I felt so much better
and so much more balanced.
Plus, there were no more headaches,
no more fatigue, and no more dry mouth.
But then things started to stagnate again,
so I decided to get honest with myself.
I started calorie count.
I didn't wanna do this originally,
but I suspected that I was overeating,
and I wanted to know for sure, and by how much.
So, by the end of month two and into month three,
I was tracking all of my food in MyFitnessPal.
Originally, I was dreading the fact that I have to do this,
but actually, I ended up weirdly enjoying it.
Tracking my food so meticulously
relieved a lot of stress for my life.
Before tracking, I was always calculating
in my head what I was consuming.
But the moment I started logging
immediately relieved my brain of that duty
and gave me much needed mental space to breathe!
Food no longer was guesswork.
It was a fact, and that made me feel at ease.
So, did it work?
Well, here's a graph of my weight change
every day over the past 90 days.
Some people may call it daily weighing obsessive,
but I call it consistent data point collection.
As you can see, my 90-day journey
was not a straight line down.
There are plenty of ups, plenty of downs, and plateaus.
Three prominent plateaus in fact.
I am so happy I wrote down every single little thing
about what I ate, how I felt, how much I was sleeping,
and what my workouts were in my Fit Journal
because now I can tell you exactly
why those plateaus happened.
Also, I kinda enjoyed doing this because I felt
like I was doing a science experiment on my body, loved it.
Here was my first plateau.
As you can see, I was making great progress doing keto
until about August 21st.
During this time, I was snacking
on nuts and cheeses quite a bit.
I had not started calorie-checking yet,
but I was consuming a lot of nuts and cheese
simply because it was keto-friendly and it was super fun.
On September 6th, I decided to stop eating so much dairy,
and that is what helped me pushed past my first plateau.
Plateau number two, it was the nuts.
Instead of snacking on nuts and cheese,
I was snacking on nuts, nuts, and more nuts.
It was at this point that I decided
it was time to get honest with myself
about how many calories I was actually consuming,
even though they were healthy calories.
Clearly, I wasn't reading.
So on September 26th, I started logging my food
in MyFitnessPal while cutting out the nuts.
This is how I pushed past my second plateau.
Right here, you can see my third plateau.
Food-wise, there wasn't anything
I could really pinpoint to this plateau.
But in reading through my Fit Journal again,
it seems that I didn't sleep very much
during this time period,
as we had a huge shoot I was prepping for on October 11th.
The plateau was caused by a severe lack of sleep
that increased the levels
of the stress hormone cortisol in my body,
which made me hold onto more fat during this time period.
For those of you who have been reading my blog,
you've probably seen these charts
that I've been filling out every week
for the past 12 1/2 weeks.
I recorded my weight, body fat percentage,
and muscle mass percentage every seven days,
and calculated my changes so I could see
if I was on track towards hitting my goals.
I actually loved doing this.
There was something so satisfying about weighing in
no matter if the number was higher or lower.
I felt accountable, and I really like that.
So, did I meet my goals?
Blog-wise, my goal was to write every day for 90 days.
I ended up blogging for 88 days out of the 90
because two of the days I was so sleepy,
I just couldn't stay up any longer.
But 88 out of 90
is a 97.7% success rate,
and that is a solid A in the academia world.
So I'm gonna say I crushed that goal.
Self-care-wise, I was supposed to do
something nice for myself every week.
I didn't actually track this, but I can tell you
that I got more deep tissue massages
and took more dance classes in the past three months
than compared to the rest of the year.
I'm proud that I made self-care a priority
because I think it really helped keep my spirits lifted
and my mind calm when the judgment was getting really bad.
Body-fat-wise, my original goal was get to 20%.
Day one, I was at 24.4%,
and on day 90, I got to 20.8%.
So close.
I didn't exactly make a completely
into athlete-level body fat range.
Hey, but that's okay.
I only had 90 days, so that is definitely something
that I can work on, but I'm still proud of myself
because I got in the 20s range.
Weight-wise, my original goal was to get to 120 pounds.
I started out at 136 pounds,
which is the heaviest I had ever been,
and on my 90th day, I weighed in
at 118.6 pounds.
This was craziness because I honestly thought
I wasn't gonna make my goal.
There was so many plateaus,
and I was traveling and also did crazy stuff.
I really just didn't know what was gonna happen.
However, from the beginning,
I prepped my mind for the possible outcomes
so that I wouldn't be disappointed.
Obviously, if I made it, great.
But if I didn't, I told myself that I'd be okay
because the goals were just destinations to walk towards.
The treasures weren't waiting for me at the end.
They were already here.
They were sprinkled throughout the entire journey
every day for me to find.
So, I ended up losing 17.4 pounds
and 3.6% body fat over the course of 90 days.
And I gained so much confidence
and so much more happiness in exchange.
It's crazy for me to look at this number
because I've never actually lost
so much weight in my entire life.
Okay, ready for the before and after? Here we go.
Here's my front shot. (gently chiming bells)
OMG. Okay, when I first saw this, I was like whoa.
I never felt cool enough
to use the term snatched waist before.
But if I ever were to have a snatched waist,
this might be it.
Also, I love how strong my arms look.
Here's my side shot. Two things I noticed here.
First, my abs flattened out a lot.
And secondly, do you see that mini lift in my butt?
No, look even closer, even closer.
See that? Yeah, 'cause I do!
Hey, small progress is still progress.
And here is my back shot. (gently chiming bells)
My back muscles be poppin', and I love how strong I look
because it reflects how I feel on the inside.
During my 90-day journey,
I gave myself grace and space to experiment.
I allowed for failure and flexibility.
Calorie-wise, some days I was over 2,000
and other days I stayed around 1,300.
Flexibility was the key here, you guys.
Had I started out saying, "I'm gonna do keto for 90 days,"
I don't think I would have had the results I have today.
And if I did, I would have felt completely restricted.
I wanted to find a diet
that I could sustain for the long haul.
You know what I'm most proud of, though?
I'm most proud of getting through
this 90-day journey on my own terms.
You see, the only other two times in my life
when I went on an intentional fat-loss journey,
I was guided by male personal trainers.
Now look, I appreciated their guidance
and the accountability they gave me to stay on track.
However, I did not love the food I ate,
and I did not truly enjoy my workouts either.
Everything was strict,
and there was no room for flexibility.
As much as I enjoyed the progress I was seeing,
I wanted it to be over so bad because I couldn't see myself
sustaining that lifestyle forever.
Let's do a little storytime,
especially for those of you who may not know this.
So, back in 2012, I entered a bikini competition
under the supervision of a body-building coach.
I lost 13 pounds in eight weeks and got down to 113 pounds.
The whole time I felt like I was in this food jail.
My brain got cloudy, I couldn't think straight,
I was moody and mean,
and all I cared about was how I looked.
Every day I wanted to be off my diet so bad
because I was eating around 1,000 calories a day
of egg whites, protein powder, chicken breast, broccoli.
The food was so bland,
and my entire digestive system got so messed up
from all of the protein.
Plus, I was working out four hours a day
doing intense weight lifting and HIIT,
so my body was totally depleted.
After my eight weeks were over,
I was left with severe metabolic damage,
and my body was no longer functioning normally.
Sometimes salad would make me gain weight,
and sometimes pizza would make me lose weight,
and vice versa.
I just never knew.
I was completely messed up physically and mentally,
and that's when orthorexia took over my life.
I was scared of eating bananas
because I was afraid they'd make me fat.
I was scared of scales
because any time the number was higher,
I'd curl up in fetal position and cry
'cause I hated my body for betraying me.
I was scared of looking at myself in the mirror
because I would notice every part of my body
that was no longer looking toned.
I was scared to upload videos
because every time a new workout video would go up,
someone would ask why I was getting fatter.
It took me years to retrain my body and my brain
to embrace itself instead of going against itself.
And all I can say is that I'm so happy
that I'm no longer anywhere
near that unhealthy state of mind.
I do wanna be clear with you guys.
It's not because I lost weight,
and I feel like I'm no longer unhealthy in my mind.
I mean that I have fully embraced my body
from day one to day 90,
and I'm going to continue that journey
of self-love for the rest of my life.
No matter if I'm losing weight or gaining weight,
or gaining muscle or whatever,
I accept myself every day, and I appreciate my body
for what it can do every single day.
Anyway, let's take a look at my measurements
because weight alone does not tell the whole story.
I lost two inches off of my chest,
one inch off my right arm, one inch off my left arm,
two inches off my waist, 1.75 inches off my hips,
and weirdly, I lost 1.25 inches off my right thigh
and 1.75 inches off my left thigh.
I'm asymmetrical. But we all are.
That's a total of 10.75 inches over my entire body.
That's crazy.
Since I collected so much data over the past 90 days,
I wanted to spend some time putting together
graphs of certain things I recorded
in case I might discover something unusual
about the way my body reacted
to different calories and macro breakdowns.
This is what I found.
In regards to weight versus caloric intake,
I noticed that in general, the less calories I consumed,
the lower my weight became.
This would seem super obvious,
but it's necessary to point out
since there are a lot of theories out there
about starvation mode.
Starvation mode is supposed to be
your body's natural response
to long-term caloric restriction.
It's your body responding to reduced calorie intake
by reducing caloric expenditure
to maintain energy, balance, and prevent starvation.
Technically, it's called adaptive thermogenesis.
Anyway, I didn't experience that starvation mode,
as the lowest I ever went was around 1,200 calories,
but even so, it was never really
that consistently low like that.
My calories fluctuated a lot
based on what I felt like eating that day.
In regards to weight versus protein percent intake,
the more protein I consumed, that's percentage-wise,
in comparison to fat and carbs, the lower my weight became.
In regards to weight versus fat percent intake,
the less fat I consumed, the lower my weight became.
In regards to weight versus carb percent intake,
the more carbs I consumed, the lower my weight became.
What's interesting to me
is that in my genetic fit blood test
that I did at a health clinic a month into my journey,
my reports told me that the best diet for fat loss for me
would be a low carb diet
that was about 30% fat, 40% carbs, and 30% protein.
When I got these results back, it was during this time
I was also experiencing my issues with keto.
So, it was a no-brainer for me
to go away from the high-fat consumption,
given the symptoms I was having,
the stagnation of weight on the scale,
and also the test was telling me
I should try something different.
It's clear to me now that keto was not the diet for me.
As you can see above, the less fat I ate,
the more weight I lost.
And the more carbs and protein I ate,
the more weight I lost.
This is the exact opposite of what keto is.
I'm so happy I tried it, though,
because for sure, it helped jumpstart my 90-day journey,
and it was really fun in the beginning.
I know that keto has worked for a ton of people.
So, if you're curious, go ahead and give it a shot.
Maybe it will work better for your body
than it did for mine.
Remember, we are all unique.
So there you have it, guys.
From the beginning, I said I was going to do this for me,
and I kept true to that.
Unexpected challenges arose during my journey,
but I kept going back to my why.
I wanted to get in the best shape
of my life mentally and physically.
I feel so proud for completing my 90 days,
and completing it with total love and compassion for myself.
The extra negativity I got externally for sure
put a lot of unnecessary stress on my well-being,
but I got through it.
I originally had thought that the hardest part
of my 90-day journey was going to be the food,
but it turned out that food
was the least of my worries.
I found myself constantly trying to defend myself
against the negativity, which honestly exhausted me
and just made me feel really, really bad.
I don't know why I put myself through the torture,
but I read through all of the comments
as they started pouring in.
I let them make me cry. I let them hurt my self-confidence.
I let them deprive me of my happiness
when I should have been celebrating small victories.
It's something that I still need to work on.
I'm not good at not letting
other people's opinion of me affect my well-being,
but it's a goal of mine to stop caring as much.
As an overly empathetic, sensitive,
and emotionally-aware person
who is also a natural people-pleaser,
I've got a lot of internal work to do
before I can stop caring.
But I will say this.
I read comments because I wanna understand the truth,
and I always want to face reality.
I never
ever want to be delusionally
or ignorantly blissful.
In between the negativity, though,
there were some genuinely concerned POPsters
who wanted to make sure I wasn't relapsing,
and for that, I thank you.
And for those who cheered me on,
I want you to know that I'm so happy grateful for you.
I felt your positivity.
And for those who started their own 90-day journeys,
I'm sending you my strength and my motivation,
and I wish you so much success.
And for those who left nasty comments,
I hope you find the love you needed to heal yourself.
Finally, I need to give
a special shoutout to my husband Sam.
He was the one who encouraged me
to go on this 90-day journey,
and he was the one to pick me up and dance silly with me
whenever I broke down and ugly cried
over the past three months, which happened kind of a lot.
He sees me in my worst form and still loves me somehow,
so for that, I am so lucky.
Thank you, guys, for following along.
I'm feeling extra ready to crush 2020,
and already I'm planning
a super cool January challenge for you and for me.
I'd love to know what you thought of my 90-day journey,
so leave a comment down below.
My extra emotional, empathetic, and sensitive self
will be reading through them all
and taking each comment to heart.
Bye, you guys. Love you so much.
(intense music)
