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Domestic Violence: Warning Signs that Your Partner Could Become Abusive



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hey everyone so today we're gonna be

talking about something a little more

serious but probably one of the most

important things that we've talked about

on my channel here so far and that is

the violence potential of a prospective

partner and specifically we're gonna be

going through a checklist signs to look

out for that someone has the likelihood

of becoming violent in an intimate

relationship now the reason why we're

talking about this is because stats now

show that between 1 & 4 & 1 & 3 women in

North America will be a victim of some

kind of severe violence in an intimate

relationship so what that means as is

that either you or someone that you know

has been is being or will be a victim of

domestic violence and so we need to

start having this conversation we need

to start learning this information so

that we can start doing something about

it and start putting an end to this if

you're new to me and this is the first

time we're connecting my name is Julia

Kristina and I'm a registered clinical

therapist a researcher and an online

course creator and the information I'm

sharing with you today comes from the

research and and work of world renowned

psychologist dr. Don mic and mom and dr.

Don Mikan BOM has dedicated much of his

career and his research to really

understanding what the violence what the

signs are of violence potential in in in

a prospective partner so what do we need

to be looking out for what are the

warning signs what are the typical

characteristics and we're going to be

going through and looking at all of them

that dr. Michael Baum discovered through

his years and years of a very dedicated

and very thorough research now this

might be information for yourself if

you're in a relationship if you're just

starting a relationship and there have

been some things that have coming up

that have put

put on some alarm bells for you or if

you know somebody who's in a

relationship where they've been talking

about some things that have been

happening or they've been you know

expressing some concern about the person

that they're with that you know that

some things don't seem quite right and

so that's why we're gonna be going

through these this criteria these

criteria this list is to really be able

to see is this something that we need to

be concerned about and regardless this

is information that we all need to have

now if you're in a relationship or if

you know if somebody's who's in a

relationship and things don't seem quite

right so maybe you're in a relationship

and some things have been coming up and

it doesn't seem quite right and you're

kind of having this gut feeling that

something is off pay attention to that

if something doesn't feel right

then chances are something isn't right

no it doesn't mean that necessarily this

person is going to become violent with

you but if something doesn't feel right

start pay attention paying attention to

that and not just sort of pushing it

aside or justifying it or pretending

that it's not there we need to be paying

better attention to our gut into our

intuition and listening to that with

more intention so let's start going

through this checklist and if many or

most of these are present with the

person that you're with or with with

someone with the person that someone

that you know is with that it's

something to really pay attention to and

something to really seriously take you

to be taking a good look at so our first

criteria first category is typical

characteristics that show up in in

someone who has the potential to become

violent in an intimate relationship and

the first one and this one might be

obvious some of them are gonna be

obvious and some of them won't but the

first one is that they can be quite

aggressive so verbally or behaviorally

they act out

or they're even often in kind of fights

or brawls or kerfuffles that they

typically are just kind of an aggressive

person the next one is that they are in

current trouble with the law so they've

been having some run-ins with the law

maybe they're on bail they're on

probation they're on parole that that's

another warning sign the next one is

that they have an issue with abusing

substances and specifically in dr.

michael Baum's reef research they found

that men who are typically more binge

drinkers that increases the chances that

they could become violent the next one

is that they don't deal well with stress

so when they're feeling stressed out

even if it's not even it doesn't seem

like you know the stress that they're

dealing with is that big of a deal they

oftentimes have an incongruent way of

reacting to that stress so something

small might happen and they might you

know react in really kind of extreme

ways they might become really volatile

really aggressive or they might totally

withdraw so they do not manage stress

well and even for something that seems

relatively small they will typically

have a seemingly in inappropriate

reaction to that or the other side of it

is that they can also often feel really

helpless and hopeless the next one is

that they are oftentimes really moody or

irritable or kind of prickly and you

don't really know what you're gonna get

with them they're unpredictable they can

be really argumentative or impulsive or

act really suspicious or jealous or

resentful of people quite often you know

they hang on to a lot of bitterness and

resentment and hostility they can be

really like oppositional and just always

kind of or often looking like they're

trying to pick a fight or they

oftentimes have this sort of this sense

of inadequacy they don't feel good

enough they feel hopeless again or they

feel powerless so they just sort of act

out in these more extreme ways so maybe

if he's feeling stressed out or if he's

up

said about something that he might just

like take off and go jump in his car and

like go for a really fast Drive and and

and drive really dangerously or really

recklessly like he'll just not be able

to manage his emotions and act out in

really kind of oftentimes aggressive but

or even really inappropriate or

dangerous ways which kind of goes

without saying our next criteria is that

he has a hard time using words to

express his feelings his concerns or his

needs which is why he acts out in these

more radical and of behaviors and just

sort of blows up or flies off the handle

so much easier because he has a hard

time using words or being able to say or

express what he's really thinking

feeling or needing and then the next one

is that when he does act out when he

does do inappropriate things if he ever

feels kind of any kind of remorse for it

he will typically blame somebody else so

he'll say something like you know the

only reason why did that is because this

person provoked me or you know like this

person did this and this person was

really getting under my skin and I

wouldn't have done that if they hadn't

done this so they really just avoid

responsibility even if when they are

aware that they're acting

inappropriately they will blame somebody

else and avoid any type of yeah any kind

of accountability or responsibility for

their behaviors another characteristic

is that he has a weapon available to him

and/or spends a lot of his time

consuming violent media so what that

means is that either you know he's

playing violent video games quite often

or watching really violent movies or

really violent television shows are

looking up really violent things on the

internet just it has this real sort of

almost obsession with violence that is

another big warning sign

that this person has potential to become

violent in an intimate relationship

our next category is the developmental

signs so the things that were kind of

present with this person while they were

growing up and the first one is that

they have a history of aggressive

behavior towards others or they were a

victim of aggressive behavior from

somebody else so what that means is that

if they were a bully in elementary

school or in high school or if they were

a victim of bullying at some point in

their developmental age you know from

childhood through adolescence and into

young adulthood if they were a victim

and full of bullying or if they were the

bully themselves that increases their

likelihood of becoming violent the next

one is that they have poor academic

achievement so maybe they dropped out of

school or they didn't really do well at

all in school or they just have a really

a lower-level level of education that

increases their chance and again if they

have a history of substance abuse so as

a kid or as a teenager not just you know

going out and drinking which I think a

lot if not most teenagers have gone out

and drank at some point during their

formative years but if they had a drug

or alcohol problem if they were abusing

drugs and alcohol as a youth that

increases their chances chances that

increases their potential of becoming

violent and then the last one in our

developmental science category is that

if this person had a history of some

kind of psychiatric disorder so not all

mental illness qualifies in this

category but specifically the ones that

they found in the research that were

more common were if this person had a

history of a DV so attention deficit

disorder or OD D oppositional defiant

disorder typically if the the person

themselves had this or or was died

no swith this as as a child or as a

youth or if somebody in their family has

this diagnosis then that increases their

potential becoming violent

our next category is one to really be

paying attention to and really to be

looking out for and this is the category

of behaviors in the relationship so if

you are in a relationship with someone

or if you know of someone who's in a

relationship where a lot of these things

are coming up it's something to really

pay attention to so if this man if this

person is really demanding if he's been

really controlling really jealous or

suspicious or manipulative or if he's

overly dependent so maybe he doesn't

want you to go out with anybody else he

always wants you to be with him he

always wants to know what you're doing

he always wants to know what's going on

and not in like a normal kind of caring

interested way in like a paranoid

jealous suspicious or controlling kind

of way that is a really big big warning

sign the next one is that if he's using

put-downs

and harsh language and is being

emotionally and verbally abusive so he's

trying to make you feel small a lot of

the time then that is a really big

warning sign and again with this whole

like how he's treating you if he's

really argumentative or if he's really

critical or uses put-downs with you even

when you're not in an argument even when

you have good news about something even

when you are excited about something

like maybe you come to him and say oh

I'm really excited I just finished this

project and it went really well and I'm

really happy about it and he's like what

that's not a big deal like what do you

want like a medal or something or you

know even worse it's just like well

that's stupid like why would you be

excited about that or you're an idiot

how did you manage to do that or is like

really overtly verbally abusive with you

or if he's really critical of you of

your looks all the time is telling you

to lose weight or to gain weight

or to wear more makeup but where miss

less makeup are like just telling you

that there's something that there's

wrong that's wrong with you or putting

you down or trying to make you feel

small worthless or insignificant and

trying to get power over you in those

ways that is a huge warning sign another

warning sign is if he has really rigid

or really just just kind of old school

gender stereotypes so if he's really

sexist and says things like women should

be doing this or this is the woman's

role or men should be in control and men

men make the final decisions and you

know this is what women should do and

this is what men should do and women

should listen to men and and and women

should be obedient and women shouldn't

argue and what the man says go is if he

just sort of has this general attitude

either he's saying it out loud or he's

acting in those ways that he is more

powerful and superior to you in some way

or maybe even in many ways the next one

is that he often or always insists on

getting his way that he has just this

general sense of entitlement about where

to go what to do or who to spend time

with and you know no matter kind of no

matter what at the end of the day what

he says goes so he always has the final

say and then our last criteria in this

category of relationship warning signs

is that he has unstable or unhealthy

relationships with other people in his

life so either parents or siblings or

peers or coworkers or his boss or he has

a really hard time keeping a job that he

can't hold down a job because he just

keeps pissing everybody off

that's another warning sign our next

category is family indicators and we

talked a little bit about the

developmental indicators but these ones

are a little bit more specific to his

family of upbringing so if there was

violence in

his family either he was the victim of

violence either he was abused as a child

or if he witnessed abuse by from his

typically his father to his mom or his

siblings so either physical or sexual

abuse if he was a victim of that or if

he witnessed that happening in the home

that increases the chance that that puts

it up there another one is that if he

was physically punished so if the form

of punishment in his family for doing

something wrong or for making a mistake

if the punishment was some kind of

physical violence that again increases

the chances now another thing if his

father wasn't present and if his mom you

know if it was a single mom raising the

kids and if she was really controlling

and really dominating but also really

inconsistent so you know it was really

kind of Moody and like one day things

would be okay and one thing one day

things would be really not okay if there

was a lot of unpredictability in the

family and if he didn't feel safe with

his mom emotionally safe like I'm not

just talking about physical safety but

if he didn't trust and feel emotionally

safe with his mom then that also

increases the chances and then our last

category is our community indicators and

so what these ones look like is that

what these ones can entail is the

community that he grew up in so if he

grew up in a community where aggression

and violence were seen as kind of normal

that's not a good thing if he wasn't

exposed to a lot of community violence

either at school or just in his

neighborhood in general if there were a

lot of gang is if there are a lot of

fights if there's a lot of bullying if

there was open conflict then then that

increases the likelihood as well if

there's just sort of this attitude of

aggression and violence that that's just

how you deal with things that that's

okay that that's just kind of the norm

that is a big warning sign and again

then - if in

same community there was nowhere he

could go for safety there were no

community resources there was no place

for support there was nothing really

happening to stop this sort of attitude

and and sort of culture of aggression

and violence in the community if there

was no-one really standing up to say no

there are no initiatives kind of taken

to put a stop to this that also

increases the chances so that is our

checklist those are the main criteria

that go into really kind of determining

whether or not someone has the potential

to become violent in an intimate

relationship again I'm gonna put a

document down in the description that

you can grab right after this with just

sort of our key points to keep with you

maybe you want to share it around maybe

you want to give it to someone who

you're concerned about or just something

for you to keep on hand make sure that

you grab this we need to be having these

conversations we need to be talking

about this if you are somebody who is in

a violent relationship and this is

happening right now I really want to

encourage you and just really encourage

you to reach out for help you can call

your local crisis line you can google

domestic violence hotline just put a

Google search for that and then your

your city or your area and the number

will come up that you can call that you

can get help that you can get support

you can get information that you can

know what to do next because we as we

talked about this is so much more common

than a lot of us even realize and it's

something that is not okay that nobody

should be in a relationship where this

is happening at the very least talk to

someone reach out for help get some

support you can't do this alone this is

not an easy thing to deal with if you're

in a relationship like this absolutely

it's it's it's it's not an easy thing

that's an understatement

so to be getting some help

share this video out let's get this

information into as many hands as

possible so that we can start doing

something about it I'm so glad that you

were here I'm so glad we're able to have

this conversation as always it would

love to hear your comments in the

comment section below share with us did

did did some of these stand out for you

did this did this did this kind of did

it ring some bells did it connect with

you share with us your thoughts anything

about this that you'd like to share with

us in the comments section below I'm so

glad that you're here and let's stay

connected until next time take good care