One of the difficult things about dating is that sometimes people put a version of themselves forward
that doesn't correspond to who they really are.
So you can start a relationship, think you're dating this wonderful person
and find out after several months that that's in fact not the case.
And that's why in this video, I want to give you seven red flags that you absolutely
need to be aware of to avoid dating someone that you don't want to be with.
And this is true of both men and women and I'm gonna focus on things
that aren't so obvious and not just jealousy or clinginess —
things that might be happening that you're not noticing that if you did,
you could save yourself a lot of pain.
So the first thing is that if the person that you are dating has friends that you don't like,
chances are the person you're dating is someone you eventually will not like.
Now, of course you want to treat them as an individual, right?
You're saying, "They're not like their friends. They don't have these qualities
so why should I ascribe to them qualities that I see in these other people?"
And if that's a wonderful feeling but the truth is
we are all products of the five people that we hang out with the most.
We're like our friends especially if we spend a lot of time with them.
So if you think that the person you're dating doesn't have the qualities that you see in their friend —
maybe in terms of ambition, they're unkind, or whatever — guess what?
The person that you are seeing is probably putting on a face;
in reality, they're much more like their friends and they want you to believe
that they just want to impress you early on it so they don't let you know.
The second thing is very similar to that and it's if you want to know how
somebody's gonna behave when things aren't going so well and
they no longer feel the need to impress you, look at how they trait waitstaff,
look at how they treat service people, and look at how they treat anyone in the world
that seems or they feel has lower status than they do.
When people go out to a restaurant, one of the nice things is that
there is a waitstaff that serves you and all the times, people feel like
they do not need to impress that person because they're already paying them.
Guess what? That means that they're going to behave in a way that is constant
for anyone that they are not trying to impress and you will eventually become that person
for them so while they might be very sweet to you and understanding of your flaws,
if they are really, really rude or unkind or not understanding when the waiter makes
a mistake when that's you after several months you will likely receive that same pattern.
So if you don't like the treatment the way that they treat waitstaff,
you're probably eventually not going to like the way that they treat you.
The third piece and this one can feel good is be wary
when someone breaks confidence in order to tell you a secret especially early on.
So if someone comes up to you and during the course of your conversation says,
"Don't repeat this. I was asked not to say this but..." and then tells you something,
that's a pretty good indicator that they are breaking the confidence of somebody else who asked them not to say something;
in fact, it might be somebody that they probably have known longer than they've known you.
And while it might make you feel special to go, "Oh, my gosh. They trust me so much they're telling me this,"
eventually, you'll be the person telling them secrets that they are going and blabbing on about.
But secrets aren't even the real issue here; it's how they treat their word.
They likely, at least implicitly, let that person know that they wouldn't say it
and then they broke their word; they told you.
That is a horrible, horrible trait in someone that you're looking to date as a partner.
You need someone that really respects their word and if you get indication that they don't, you should probably get out.
The fourth thing is going to be heavily engaging in social media or anything else that is very appearance-based.
Now, I've made videos on social media; it is in my business especially — I'm here on YouTube.
It's an odd relationship that I have but one thing that I have noticed in my own life
and with other people is that the amount of time that someone spends
cultivating an identity and an appearance in their life in whatever form it takes —
any social media or even just gossiping or letting people know that they did a certain thing
because they're concerned with reputation — that tends to correspond
to less time spent on their character or less time spent on who they are.
So while they might look like they're making all this wonderful progress
in their meeting these amazing people or climbing mountains are meditating,
if that's all the photos and the imagery and the words that you're seeing on social media,
it can very very often be the case that behind the scenes that I've heard
and seen so many stories that is the complete opposite.
On the contrary, when someone is doing those things, you might get a post here
and there but it's not going to be the main focus; they're actually doing it in their life.
So if you and the person you're dating have very different social media habits, sorry but
it's likely that you have very different values as well and you are probably not a match.
The fifth thing if someone has a history of not having long-lasting relationships, be wary.
This one is perhaps a little bit more obvious but I feel like I need to say it because
I have part of myself and I know that a lot of people out there do feel like they want to rescue people.
When they see someone that it's in dire straits, they feel like,
"Oh my gosh, I can help. It makes me feel good and makes me feel special to help plus it helps them," fantastic.
And it's very easy to be lured in by stories of, "This is why I'm no longer close to my family.
This is why I had to get rid of my best friend and then my new best friend did this and betrayed me in this way..."
but if you start to hear these stories on loop and you find that this person has no long lasting relationships,
that is generally a sign, of course, that the common thread is them
and that the stories that you're getting are rationalizations
and the family members or friends would have a very different tale.
Now, it is of course the case that people do come from really rough family backgrounds on occasion
and that in order to live their healthiest life they might have had to extricate himself from their family or from a group of friends.
But if it's a repeat thing and you're seeing it all the time then you really do need to be wary.
Next up — this is very, very related to this one — number six is going to be —
if they talk about their breakups and their ex in a way that puts all of the responsibility onto their ex
that is a horrible, horrible sign and of course it feels nice for a second when someone's
telling you about your breakup and you go, "Oh my god, that wasn't your fault.
It was your ex who did all these crazy things you poor soul."
But really, we all make mistakes whether it's in choosing the person
and staying with the person and creating fights and perpetuating fights,
if you're in a situation and in a relationship that is ongoing,
you are partially to blame there is things to be learned and responsibilities to be taken.
So if you're talking to someone — this is true in business
and this is true in any sort of split that happens in life —
and you are not hearing them take responsibility in any way, "It's just that this person is a bad person,
they did this, and good people like me just get taken advantage of," guess what?
They have no self-awareness, they have not self-reflected, and they haven't fixed the problem that they contributed to
which means you're up; next, they're gonna have the same problems in the relationship with you so be very wary.
On the other hand, if they do say, "Here's how I contributed. Here's how they contributed. you put those two together; it was explosive.
Here's what I would like to do different," even though there's a problem
that they're saying that they have that simple awareness that they're working on it
is oftentimes so much better than a lack of awareness.
And the last thing this is one that I was guilty of in my younger years
and it was seeing the person that I had just started dating or seeing as perfect.
And oftentimes, this happens when you've been friends with someone or when you've
really idolized them for a long time from afar, you've wanted to get to know them,
and finally you work up the courage to speak to them and, what do you know,
now you're in a relationship — this happened to me, I lucked out once — and I saw the girl that I was seeing as perfect.
And very, very quickly, that relationship fell apart
and it wasn't because of anything horrible that either of us did but it was because
I was dating an idea of her.
She wasn't a flesh-and-blood person with flaws to me; she was this perfect
image of someone who would make my life better.
And oftentimes, when people see you as perfect, it can feel really good
like a lot of these things can but it's an indicator that they don't have the ability to
treat you like an honest-to-god human being and when you do reveal your flaws
which we all have, they might not handle it well, they might not help you get through it, and they might not even be able to cope with it.
So if someone, very early on, is seeing you as a perfect version of yourself, that is actually not a good thing.
If they see you as a better version of yourself
while still accepting and even beginning to love or work with some of your flaws,
that is a completely different story and is actually healthy.
But if they just see you as perfect and can't see your flaws, sorry to say —
it's not that you don't have flaws, it's because — that is red flag number seven.
So I hope that these red flags have helped you and maybe
you have identified something in your own life that you can get out of early
or that will save you down the line.
Another thing that we have sort of related to this,
we have a video set up on first impressions.
And if you want to check out the four emotions that make an amazing first impression
and a scenario including in dating, if this is something that you're interested in,
go ahead click below; we have a link which will take you to a page.
You put in your email and you can learn the four emotions
to make an amazing first impression in any situation anywhere cross-culturally;
you just got to create these emotions in the right order.
So, I hope that you guys have enjoyed this video.
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