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hey dr. Aziz here and I want to talk
with you today about that wretched
feeling of being left out in a group
interaction you probably know the
feeling I'm talking about you're sitting
there there's maybe three of you in a
group and all of a sudden the other two
people start talking and they're just
like oriented towards each other they're
chatting back and forth it's popping and
and you feel completely left out
completely third wheel I'm unnecessary
here and then it starts to feel real bad
and then you kind of recede into the
distance and this can happen in a group
of three a group of five a group of
seven it doesn't matter the mechanism is
always the same they're interacting
you're not you feel left out then you
feel real bad in yourself you know that
feeling of like underneath is a sense of
like I don't matter here they don't want
me here I don't have anything to add
here they don't like me they like each
other more than me and then you start to
feel like shame and inferior and no good
and then it's even harder
you know I experienced this two things
would happen one I totally collapse in
on myself and just either withdraw
sometimes I just exit the interaction
prematurely like I see you guys later
sometimes I would just sit there feeling
like a fool and sometimes I would try to
overcome it and share something but I
was already so overwhelmed by feeling
left out and not good that I'd say
something and they'd be like yeah that's
true so anyway and they go back to each
other and I'd feel like see I knew I
didn't matter I knew they don't want me
here I and I just make everything worse
and I keep building on that so if you've
experienced that then this little video
is going to teach you how to break out
of that what's the secret well here's
the biggest hitch and breaking out of it
it's what I call your social rule book
and we all have them it's a social rule
book it's like this is what's allowed
and this what's not allowed and my old
social rule book used to say you can't
share information or say things until
someone has addressed you you know it
comes from your training as a kid where
it's like good children are seen but not
hurt and that means don't spoke don't
speak until you've been spoken to don't
speak up until someone has addressed you
and giving you permission to speak
we learn in school as we learn in our
families and all and on and on until you
get to be an adult and all of a sudden
you can't just blurt things out because
you expect that they're supposed to say
well as these what do you think about
that and then I can give my opinion but
that's not how the world works and
that's not how human interaction work
that's something how the dynamics of
conversation works so the biggest hitch
is your rule book that says it's not
right for me to speak up unless I
haven't spoken to you have to tear up
that that page of the rule book and
throw it out and come up with a new rule
which is this that you matter that what
you think and what you feel and what you
have to say it matters it's important
it's significant not only to you but to
those around you and that you need to
here's the new rule that if you want to
be involved in an interaction then you
need to insert yourself into the
interaction and this is something that I
had a real hard time learning I was
actually involved in a mensier for three
years where we'd show up week after week
and talk never when I first got there I
had the hardest time because no one was
inviting me in No you know there's seven
other people in there and ever wants to
talk about their lives and share it and
there I am and I'm waiting for someone
to say well is these what do you think
and never happened and I got really
pissed off and eventually the leader of
the groups like if you want time and
attention then you've got to claim your
time and attention and the same thing is
true in interactions you can't wait
passively for someone to invite you in
you have to step up and just say hey I'm
going to share something I'm going to
blurt something out I'm going to ask a
question that I'm curious about
wait wait what was that thing you said
about your cat well tell me about that
or I'm curious about that or you
volunteer some information oh that's
interesting
oh I saw that too I watched that movie
actually that reminds me of this other
thing that I saw and you just kind of
insert yourself into the interaction and
if you do it enough and you practice it
you build up the muscle of doing it then
you develop that skill and ability to do
it again and again and the biggest block
that you're going to have is not
external it's not the rejection that you
think you're going to get it's internal
it's your fears about what's going to
happen it's the sense of oh it's wrong
I'm breaking the rules and you got to
shed that stuff you just got
practice practice practice develop that
social fitness by just putting yourself
in that situation and doing it again and
again and that's how you can break into
groups and that's how you can not feel
left out because you can insert yourself
into those groups if you won't learn
more about how to do this I want to
inform you of something that I got going
on right now which is actually an
internet radio show called shrink for
the shy guy where I have each week on
Wednesdays a new episode coming out
absolutely free you can check it out on
iTunes or shrink for the shy guy com
where we're going to go in-depth into
stuff just like this how do you break
into groups how do you create
friendships how do you date
authentically how do you excel in
business and become a leader in your own
life how do you develop financial
confidence there's so much good stuff
that's in that show including guest
expert interviews with leaders in the
field of confidence and overcoming
shyness and social anxiety so check it
out it's absolutely free I'd love for
you to participate in that I have Q&A
with listeners it's really exciting so
go to shrink flesh shy guy calm and
check that out and until we speak again
may have the courage to be who you are
and to bring that forward into the world
to stop holding back and to just insert
yourself and then create the
relationships that you want in your life
I'll talk to you soon
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