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the definition of identity is the fact
of being who or what a person or thing
is
but my question to you today is who or
what determines what that identity is
we've all heard the negative labels
placed upon people right
she's so stupid he's just an ass she's
shy
he doesn't apply himself
what a
yeah
maybe these things have been said about
you
i've been there
or maybe you've been the person saying
it
i've been guilty of that too
and then i started to dig a little bit
deeper
what if
that makes me the person you know why
what gives me that right to say that
about somebody
i don't know what they've been through i
don't know what struggles they're facing
i don't know what struggles they're
facing right now
what if we took a step back
and instead of thinking what's wrong
with them
we flipped the script and we started
asking what happened to them
so i started spreading this message that
i thought was brilliant and ingenious
and then oprah comes out with a freaking
book called what happened to you
i mean really
[Laughter]
so i did what any other person would do
i read it yeah
but she teamed up with this child
psychiatrist and neuroscientist named dr
bruce perry and they talk about how what
happened to you in early childhood
influences who you become
did you know that a child who
experiences abuse neglect
any kind of trauma witnesses it a
minority child who is mistreated by a
majority community the brain
it makes associations between
the certain features the smell of an
abuser
between a song that was playing at the
time between a sound that might have
happened during that experience and fear
and it continues into our adulthood
without the person even realizing it
but reacting
reacting in anger
reacting in silence and compliance
reacting in overeating over drinking
reacting in overactive sexual behavior
dr perry points to a recent study by the
national survey of children's health
that says that nearly 50 percent of
children in the u.s have had at least
one
significant traumatic experience
and a 2019 study from the cdc says that
nearly 60 percent of american adults
have had at least one adverse childhood
experience
perhaps you're one of them
i am
when i was in the fifth grade there were
a few people who thought it was okay to
take the innocence away from a young
girl
for years
to the point where i thought it was
normal
and then one day it stopped
not because someone came to rescue or
protect me
but because i saw an ad on tv telling me
that it was not okay
and i said no
i was in the fourth grade
but i never knew how much of an impact
those memories place in the back of my
head in my brain
would have on my everyday life
how i let
boys
even men take advantage of me in high
school
how i never stood up for myself in my
career
how it was difficult for me to show love
to my own husband and children
so why do i tell you this
well it's because there may be that one
person listening
watching
who can relate
and i'm here to tell you it's gonna be
okay
oprah said in her book your past is not
an excuse
but it is an explanation
and it can take years to figure that out
how do you overcome trauma
well you may never overcome it but you
can learn to control it
my trauma turned me into a people
pleaser yeah i was the one who took on
extra jobs extra shifts came in early
worked late i was at mom whose kid was
just left waiting on the stoop for his
mama to come get him that was my son
and my daughter when she was in
preschool she came home with this
beautiful picture of an airplane
and in that airplane were three smiling
faces
and at the time they don't know how to
write so they tell the teacher what they
want to write at the bottom and the
teacher writes it for them
and sure enough at the bottom of this
beautiful airplane were the words my
family is going on vacation my mommy
can't come because she has to work
i mean talk about a reality check
so
i learned to say no
just like i did in fourth grade
i learned to set boundaries and i
learned to walk away from a job to
benefit my own mental health
i found forgiveness
forgiveness for those who hurt me
forgiveness for those who turned a blind
eye
because i knew that they were doing the
best they could with what they had at
the time
but that doesn't mean that what happened
to me was okay
what it means is that i stopped
believing that the past could have
or should have been different
instead of turning to food when i was
depressed
i started stepping back
recognizing that feeling pushing through
that fear
by staying in the present
and i did that by finding a rhythm that
soothed me
instead of turning to the junk food
which was all good and dandy
i turned to exercise and food that made
me feel good
i turned to music i turned to dancing
and let me tell you mateo's got some
moves you don't know about the cabbage
patch right come on now
and
i found comfort and laughter and making
people smile
that's something i did here in new york
on tv for nearly 20 years
and let me tell you i went the extra
mile okay
from swimming with the sharks to
standing in the globe of death at the
circus to i can't even tell you how many
water slides and
roller coasters i've been on all on live
tv yeah
it was a little bit crazy
and i'm learning to
not be afraid to love
and i'm learning to
push past that belief that i deserve to
be happy to understanding that i am
worthy of happiness
it's going to take time
and it's not easy
but if we can all just change our
thought process
stop the judgment
and ask ourselves that one simple
question
what happened to them
it could make a world of a difference
i mean imagine the difference it could
have on our education system for the
children who are left behind for
behavioral issues
imagine the difference it can have on
our juvenile justice system
one question
a subtle shift in the way we think
can help close that door to
hurt and shame
and open up new opportunities for
healing
and resilience
thank you
[Applause]
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