Need up to 30 seconds to load.
if you can follow this one rule you'll
probably decrease your emotional
reactivity by half and this rule isn't
about willpower it isn't about doing
something that takes a ton of energy or
effort it's a rule about being really
freaking honest with yourself
[Music]
when it comes to emotional reactivity
emotions are the match the initial
source of ignition our habits and our
self-care and our problem solving skills
might be the wood or what maintains the
fire
but how we think is like gasoline and
there's a certain type of thinking
that's especially explosive when it
comes to emotional reactivity and that's
black and white thinking now black and
white thinking is when you take a
situation and you think about it in an
extreme way you push out all of the
nuance and you turn it into something as
intense as possible now you can usually
recognize it when you use words like
always never perfect terrible or like
every Everything everyone nothing nobody
worst or best right The arbinger
Institute calls these horribleizations
you take something and you horribalize
it now notice how in these situations
black and white thinking exaggerates the
situation so for example a husband says
to his wife you never do the dishes I
always have to clean up after you or a
depressed young adult everything is
awful the world is a a terrible Place
climate change is hopeless I'll never be
able to succeed I'm no good at math or
some at work right they might think my
boss is the worst Communicator or a
young mother might say I'm just a
terrible person she has it all together
she's such a saint right each time the
person takes a difficult situation and
they make it horrible they use the most
extreme word never always everything
hopeless terrible so the more extreme
you're thinking the more intense your
emotions will be and the more likely you
are to be depressed or anxious but black
and white thinking also makes you
helpless to escape that depression or
anxiety and it's a lie when you use
black and white thinking you are usually
distorting nuanced Reality by ignoring
the good and exaggerating the bad you're
lying
so if it's so awful why do we do it you
subconsciously like black and white
thinking because it serves a function in
the short term and like a drug it makes
you suffer in the long term so what
function does it serve number one it
justifies you so if your wife does the
dishes sometimes but not often why would
you want to phrase that in the worst
possible way my wife never does the
dishes
the reason you want to phrase it that
way is to make yourself feel like the
good guy and put her down you're making
yourself feel better by making the
situation worse in the long run
so if your boss has some skills some
strength some talents but struggles to
communicate in a few areas why would you
want to say that they're terrible in
every way
because then you don't have to put in
the effort to be assertive and
communicate your needs and listen to
theirs believing that your boss is
terrible is a mental Habit to excuse
yourself from work
so if math is hard for you let me give
you one more example if math is hard for
you why would you want to believe that
it's impossible for you why would you
want to lie to make a sincerely
difficult situation harder
because then you're excused from trying
from putting an effort from the
difficulty of hours of studying or the
painful emotions of failing a test
black and white thinking is an old habit
that protects you from painful emotions
like uncertainty and disappointment when
we exaggerate how bad things are it
excuses us from action it creates the
idea that we're helpless and therefore
we do not need to act it helps us feel
powerless and thereby protects ourselves
from feeling guilty or accountable
so be honest with yourself like it kind
of feels good when you can call up your
bestie and tell them that you've had the
worst day in the whole entire world and
then they say oh you poor thing
but the thing is most of the time we
don't even make that call we just have
that little internal dialogue with
ourselves you poor thing we say to
ourselves and we kind of like it like
that Vindication feels good now on a
side note there is a reason your brain
made this fun little backdoor excuse and
it's connected to fear and the fight
plate freeze response when we're in
Danger let's say our ancestors were at
war with another tribe the fight flight
freeze response shuts down nuance and
options in the brain we see the
attacking tribe as being sub-human as
being terrible as being awful human
beings black and white thinking makes it
simpler to fight back to kill them
because we're not thinking of them as
humans with wives and children and
parents with dreams and loves and hurts
right they're just simply the bad guys
in life-threatening situations black and
white thinking may help us make quick
and decisive decisions Simplicity is
easier than dealing with the nuanced
complexity of reality and it might help
us us survive
but since the vast majority of our
day-to-day decisions aren't
life-threatening black and white
thinking interferes with our emotional
stability the rest of the time
so if we want to be less emotionally
reactive we need to replace black and
white thinking with something more
helpful and more honest so what do we do
about it the first thing is this rule
honesty you have to be willing to admit
that black and white thinking is a lie
and that you're lying to yourself to
excuse yourself from something if you're
willing to be more honest about that
then you can move on to the next step
so notice that you're doing it notice
your trigger words so 99 of the time
words like always or never are not
accurate
do you have other words that you use
when you're justifying yourself just
start to catch yourself doing it write a
big Post-It note somewhere that you can
see that has a list of the words that
are warning signs that you're slipping
into black and white thinking and
emotional reactivity
then take a deep breath slow yourself
down
[Applause]
next name and emotion the emotion might
be real but the thoughts aren't so say
something like I feel followed by an
emotion word I feel angry you are not
allowed to say I feel like you're making
me angry I feel like you always attack
me I feel like you never take out the
trash I'm sorry those are lies and
they're also thoughts they're not
feelings they're lies because they're
exaggerated but that's not a feeling
statement right three words only I feel
emotionward I feel angry that's honest
right okay next reframe the situation
speak in the gray there might be a real
problem that needs to be solved the
emotion can motivate you to take action
but Extreme thinking like black and
white thinking will most likely
interfere with your ability to solve the
problem so we're gonna look for the gray
here's how
use both and instead of extreme thinking
now this is an annoying purpose skill
that's actually super effective right
you can feel two emotions at the same
time you can have two nuanced truths
that seem contradictory at the same time
so for example when your boss
miscommunicates a deadline to you
instead of thinking he's a terrible
Communicator you could say my boss
didn't communicate well and he's also
trying really hard to help our team
succeed
or if you messed up right instead of me
either being a complete idiot or a
perfect worker you could say something
like oh I'm I'm basically intelligent
and
valuable at times I make mistakes too
both of these can be true
or if if a loved one passes away you
could say something like oh I feel so
sad about the death of my mother and I
feel relieved that I don't have to be
her caretaker anymore anymore
or um you know it could be true that
your wife might be insensitive to you
sometimes and she also loves you a lot
right so that's the skill of both and
you look for two parts or lots of parts
of these situations
okay next look for exceptions look for
counter examples so if I have this
thought oh my wife never does the dishes
you look for a time that she did or some
other way that she contributes right
look for an exception to this extreme
way of thinking
or be specific speak about one single
situation so use a less extreme word so
instead of saying my boss is a terrible
Communicator you say my boss wasn't
clear about her expectations for the
timeline for this assignment be really
specific right so instead of everything
is awful
describe what specifically is awful
so say oh she didn't tell me the time
frame so when we get specific then we
can actually do something about a
problem so like uh you could say
something like oh hey boss next time I
need more clarity about deadlines
okay and then last make sure to check
for your own accountability in the
majority of situations we are playing a
role in the cycle if there's a
communication problem at work perhaps we
need to work on using clarifying
statements or being more assertive if
there's a problem with chores in the
marriage we may need to consider how
we're contributing or clarifying
household tasks or we need to manage our
stress levels better or you know not be
so busy all the time right there's
probably something we can do to
contribute to the solution here
now remember one of the main reasons
that people get depressed or anxious is
how they perceive reality when we're
able to be more flexible and intentional
and truthful in our Perceptions in our
words we're often able to escape the
extreme emotions and depression and
anxiety can can lift right now when
you've been thinking in extremes for
much of your life it can be really hard
to catch yourself doing it so working
with a therapist can really help you
notice and replace this type of thinking
with something that's way more
emotionally stable when it comes down to
it you can change your brain you can
improve your mood you can get better at
feeling so I hope this helps thank you
for watching and take care hey this
video is sponsored by betterhelp
betterhelp has licensed professional
therapists in your area and you can
reach them from the Comforts of your own
home they make it really easy to find a
therapist who you can start working with
very quick quickly they also make
therapy more affordable and more
accessible so if you're interested in
learning more please click the link in
the description and you can get 10 off
your first month
[Music]
