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we often operate in romantic life under
the mistaken view unconsciously imported
from law courts and school debating
traditions that the person who is right
or has the stronger case should
legitimately win any argument but this
is fundamentally to misunderstand what
the point of relationships might be it
is not to defeat an opponent there are
no prizes for winning other than
self-satisfied loneliness the point is
more to try to help each other to evolve
into the best versions of ourselves
there's a kind of argument that erupts
when one partner has a largely correct
insight into the problems of their
partner with a stern masterful and
almost gleeful tone they may declare
you've been drinking too much or you
hoped the conversation at the party or
you're always boasting or you don't take
enough responsibility or you waste far
too much time on line or you never take
enough exercise
the insight is maybe not wrong that is
what's so tricky the critic is correct
but they are unable to win because there
are no prizes in love for correctly
discerning the flaws of our partners
indeed paradoxically by attacking a
partner with clinical energy we reduce
our chances of ever reaching the real
goal the evolution of the person we have
to live with when we are on the
receiving end of a difficult insight
into our failings what makes us bristle
and deny everything isn't generally the
accusation itself we know our flaws all
too well it's the surrounding atmosphere
we know the other person is right we
just can't bear to take their criticism
onboard given how severely it's been
delivered so we start to deny everything
not because the accusations are wrong
but because we're terrified the light of
truth is shining too brightly the fear
is that if we admitted our failings we
would be crushed shown up as worthless
required to attempt an arduous miserable
process of change without requisites
empathy and that unless and until we
reform ourselves we would have no claim
on the affections or forgiveness of the
other that's why we insist that we do
actually do enough exercise that we have
been working very hard and that we've
never wasted any time on any
embarrassing websites we feel so
burdened with shame and guilt already a
lover's further upbraiding feels
impossible to listen to there's too much
pre-existing fragility in our psyches
for us to admit to another difficult
insight into what's wrong with us the
irony of the defensive argument is that
it is the overly confrontational pursuit
of truth that makes the truth impossible
to reach in the philosophy of lying
there is a central historical example of
what is termed the just lie outlined by
the ancient Greek philosopher Plato if a
crazed person comes to us and asks
where's the axe we're entitled to lie
and say we don't know because we
understand that were we to tell them the
truth they probably use the tool to do
something horrendous to us that is we
can reasonably tell a lie when our life
is in danger
in a couple a partner may not literally
be searching for an axe when they ask us
an inquisitorial question but
psychologically this is precisely how we
might experience them which makes it at
least a little understandable if we say
we simply don't know what they're
talking about it may feel unfair to ask
an accuser to take responsibility for
our vulnerability but if they want to
help their relationship they will need
to make it abundantly clear that they
won't ever use the truth if it's
acknowledged as a weapon what's so sad
is how easily we as the accused might if
only the circumstances were more
sympathetic confess to everything we
would in fact love to unburden ourselves
and admit to all that's broken and
wounded in us the answer is to try and
create a situation where both partners
accept that they are flawed but not on
this basis ever beyond a need for law
and kindness whether mutual need for
evolution is taken as a given and where
every well considered criticism is
handled as both correct and yet needing
to be wrapped up in extraordinary layers
of reassurance there should be a
recognition that people don't change
when they're told what's wrong with them
they change when they feel sufficiently
supported to undertake the change they
almost always already know is do it
isn't enough to be sometimes right in
relationships we need to be generous
enough in our love in order that our
partner can admit when they are in the
wrong
love is a skill that we can learn our
relationships book calmly guides us with
calm and charm through the key issues of
relationships to ensure that success in
love need not be a matter of good luck
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