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hi my name is tyese Gibson and I'm the
owner and founder of the personal
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patterns and have a little bit more
empathy and compassion because our
attachment style is something we develop
at a very young age and without the
proper tools and realizations and
knowledge it can be really challenging
to break out of these programs because
they're so deeply embedded in our
subconscious so the end the anxious
attachment person is somebody who in
childhood who basically had a really
strong in congruence around their
parents meeting their needs so they
would have felt this inconsistency where
the parents would sort of range from
being really good at being physically
and/or emotionally present and then
being completely unprecedented in one of
these categories or areas and so what
this did um you know because it's
consistency of the lack of present and
the incongruence of presence was never
quite enough for the child to completely
break off from assuming their caregivers
wouldn't would meet their needs um
the inside basically became
hypersensitive as a coping mechanism so
imagine there's this child and and they
see this in congruence but this in
congruence doesn't quite give enough
emotional intensity for the little
child's go okay well we have to start
just you know rejecting my caregiver and
reading my own needs and learning how to
self-soothe so instead I just become
hyper
tuned to what my caregivers gonna do are
they gonna meet my needs are they not
and there's sort of this like incessant
questioning and fear of rejection and
abandonment and there's also
hypersensitivity and attunement did
anxious attachment types also usually
sort of have as a gift in a way to tap
in and tune into other people's emotions
and that can be wonderful in many ways
and then it can also be challenging in
many ways as well especially when the
anxious attachment style comes with a
lot of other challenges let's say so
there was this incessant fear basically
for the anxious attachment child when it
came to their caregivers rejecting them
or not being consistent and anxious
attachment people basically suffer a lot
from a high level of anxiety in
relationships often projecting a
likelihood of rejection and abandonment
and then just fearing this really
strongly and again anxious attachment
types tend to be hyper attuned to
meeting their partner's needs because of
that hypersensitivity look when you when
you sort of fast forward into adult life
they'll be really anxious but also
attuned at the same time and they can be
really good at sort of like the
people-pleasing elements in
relationships and their partner's needs
but sometimes their needs sort of get
shoved under the rug
as a result of this because they're so
focused on not being rejected or
abandoned they kind of reject should
reject and abandon themselves in the
process of just trying to please
somebody and make sure the relationship
is working and make sure everything's
perfect and make sure they're showing up
150 percent because if they don't they
might get rejected or abandoned and
there's that sort of underlying
incessant fear there so um they will
sort of hold the unconscious expectation
because they're so like this their
partner will do the same like hey I'm
meeting your needs so much you should be
meeting mine of course because we tend
to project onto people from our reality
it's like what our expectations are so
what this means is they often set
themselves up for disappointment because
you know the English detachment person
is so strong in that space that it can
often be really challenging
for another human being to be as good as
they are at being so attuned to to their
needs or to be as aware in that sense or
as hyper-focus but as much emotional
energy in that space of trying to make
the relationship perfect and make sure
that things are really good so interest
attachment types are generally really
poor self soothers in relationships and
they have a really hard time sort of
like going about their day and being
happy if there's any sliver or sense of
something unresolved in the relationship
um any conflict or pain and there are
often the types who will call or text
incessantly if they don't hear from you
so if you know somebody who's doing this
or if you're doing this this is why this
is where it's coming from and they often
worry saying you know they tell themself
stories like oh my gosh something bad
happens you know it can be even as
extreme as like my partner's 15 minute
late minutes late they died they're
unsafe they're an accident like they'll
have sort of these extreme stories um or
just this general fear that you might
have bend in them and they struggle to
be alone interests attachment types and
they often gain feelings very quickly
for people at the beginning of
relationships like though infatuate
really easily and quickly and they will
also often feel very easily rejected by
their partners um even if you know let's
say you're an anxious attachment type
person and let's say that you are you
come home and your partner's having a
bad day you know you're probably the
type that will be like oh my gosh
they're rejecting me they're a benjamine
or leaving they're gonna they're gonna
reject me oh I did something wrong what
did I do wrong
oh that their feelings are changing and
and it can be this really painful cycle
because seriously it can your partner
could really just be coming home and
like having a bad day at work and it has
nothing to do with the relationship but
there will be this sort of unconscious
coping mechanism in your brain that's
there that or patterning in your brain
that that will naturally assume that and
again this is because your brain is
wired for survival so your brain will
naturally assume this so it can then
protect you from the likelihood or the
chance of this happening but that can
just really cause a lot more
down the line instead so intercept
Scotchmen tips also tend to push people
away by overdoing it um just you know
they might they'll often pre reject
themselves so let's say those let's say
you're in the early stages of dating
this attachment style they might go hey
would you like to hang out on Saturday
and I don't mind if you don't I would
completely understand and you can ignore
this message if you'd like to you know
it'll be sort of this like it's almost
like they assume rejection enough or
they'll pre reject themselves when
they're reaching out and and it creates
this sense of unease and people that
aren't that style and don't understand
it where it's sort of like oh you know
what you can sort of feel that
insecurity and and sometimes that
feeling of insecurity will push people
away and and again this is just because
of core programming or patterning your
youth you're living with and the core
wounds are believed for the anxious
attachment style are usually things like
I am unloved I am rejected I am not good
enough I am an unimportant or I don't
matter and again because of the
perception that you know you could be
not good enough or unloved and the
coping mechanism will also be that this
style of attachment will will go to
great lengths to control the printer's
feelings and even over compensate
basically as the subconscious mechanism
to avoid experiencing pain so how do you
work through this well there's a few
core things that you can do that will
create a really strong impact so number
one you can reprogram those core wounds
so you can ask yourself to find your
core wound um what is the worst thing
that a person can do to me in a
relationship and try to find if you
don't just look for one and that might
be reject me leave me make me feel
unimportant or small not love me and and
write those things down and then find
the opposite of that so people will stay
people will love me people accept me and
people make me feel important or special
people will respect me and think I'm
good enough and because the subconscious
mind is programmed through repetition +
emotion the best thing you can do
is to take those statements and every
morning or evening especially the first
hour when you wake up or last hour
before you go to bed because these are
the times of day that you're most
suggestible essentially like your brain
is most open to suggestion your
subconscious mind is Right 10 or 15
reasons why people will stay and this
can be like reasons about you like
they'll say because I'm a loving person
I'll stay because I make people laugh
they'll stay because you know and write
all those things um but make sure you
put that proof and make sure you feel
the emotions because sometimes we'll
talk about affirmations and people will
use affirmations and that's really
fantastic and a step in the right
direction but you know if I come let's
pretend so you know side note here let's
pretend that I go to a job interview and
I say I'm good enough I'm good enough
I'm good enough it doesn't mean the
person's gonna hire me but if I go to
the job interview and I say I'm good
enough because I have this experience
and I have this accomplishment and I
have this education and I have and I
list these pieces of proof for why now
I'm selling the person and our brain
doesn't do so well when we these really
deeply embedded programs when we just
try to tell it things because our rules
anthems just feel the opposite of those
things and the subconscious mind speaks
more through emotion than language so if
I tried to say nobody will leave me and
I totally don't believe that you know
people will always stay and I totally
don't believe that it's actually gonna
elicit this negative feeling like even
more fear of people leaving and that
feeling will always trump just the
statement and the language because the
subconscious speaks so much more through
emotion than through language so
sometimes affirmations can even like
slightly push us away from our goal if
we're too specific so put either reasons
for you with the pieces of proof and
that will be huge or even put pieces of
proof for other people like you know
that people if you're the core wound
around people always leave or people
always reject you look for people who
have been and lasting relationships look
at people who you know in society or
friends or family you know who have had
really happy positive relationships and
as you sort of put those pieces of
down here selling your brain which is
really rewiring that program and if you
do that repetitively because remember
the subconscious is programmed through
repetition plus emotion if you do that
repetitively for twenty-one days you
will see massive results it sounds like
a small thing it's arguably one of the
best things you can do to reprogram core
ones because we come into this world as
this blank slate without these programs
and then we get these programs through
repetition plus emotion which means we
kind of rewire them using that same
process and those principles so that's
number one number two when you feel pain
in the moment like when your partner is
let's say get coming home from work and
and is in a grumpy mood and you start
going oh my gosh it's about me I did
something wrong question that can you
know that you actually did something
wrong and question the person hey did I
do anything wrong like actually
communicate instead of assuming and
reacting to that emotional emotionally
based assumption so learn to recognize
your pain is sort of these alarm bells
to wake you up to let you know hey
you're running this program again and
question the validity of that program
because a lot of the time that program
will be invalid and that will help you
just sort of break free from some of
those patterns that you're reliving
number three learn how to self-soothe
anxious attachment types tend to
struggle so much with self soothing self
nurturing and self love and so um
practice setting daily rituals and if
you're worried about somebody and
worried about them leaving or abandoning
or whatever's going on um just
practicing grounding yourself in that
moment and connecting to yourself and
nurturing yourself and questioning that
assumption and and and the more you're
loving yourself the more you have that
sense of self and the easier it becomes
to self-soothe and then you won't be so
reliant on somebody to meet those needs
emotionally and be running that cycle or
pattern so it's a very important piece
and last but not least one other core
tool is through exposure response
practice not overdoing it so when you
want to send that message that goes hey
you know
please hang out but if you want to hang
out don't worry that's okay you know you
can just ignore me too you know when
when you feel the need to over explain
or overdo it
stay calm um just literally it's
practice changing your behavioral
pattern because we have something called
exposure response which is a really good
way of reprogramming actions which would
suggest in the moment that you were
gonna make one emotional decision and
become conscious and make a different
one you can program that new pattern in
so practice just sitting and saying hey
I would love to see you and just
shortening it or you know whatever the
context is not calling 17 times and
things like that because it really does
push people away and and look at what
doing that actually costs you in the
long run so you can sort of balance out
those positive to negative associations
where you have these positive
associations thinking you're gonna solve
the problem and fix it and then look at
the negative associations like how does
that make somebody feel when you call
them a million times it makes me feel
suffocated or trapped or afraid so so
balance that out too and that can be
really fantastic okay thank you so much
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