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lovers who've been together a while tend
almost universally to get maddened
by what look on the surface like certain
absurdly small matters and otherwise
quite reasonable and decent person might
admit to a range of acute sensitivities
around some of their partners rather
minor habits and a tendency swiftly to
lose their temper on encountering them
maybe they press far too hard on the
chopping board or they don't put their
seatbelt on until after the car is
started or in their handwriting B and H
are practically indistinguishable they
squeeze the toothpaste tube the wrong
way pressing at the neck rather than at
the bottom or they use the word tragic
to mean sad they leave draws
fractionally open when they drink a
glass of water
they never drink it right down to the
end but always tip out the last few
drops into the kitchen sink our
reactions to such things can seem wildly
out of proportion we make it extremely
worked up and then feel mean and
possibly insane in quieter moments we
may wonder how we could ever let such
insignificant matters get to us so much
rather than tell ourselves we're simply
idiotic but though of course we are all
idiots at heart
we should lavish thought and time on the
logic of our tiny points of annoyance
the little thing the small irritant is
always a symbol of a large and in truth
very important issue operating in the
background of a relationship though
unfortunately it's not always easy for
us to put our finger on what the real
issue actually is and therefore to give
a calm and accurate account of what is
in fact probably a genuine cause for
concern ironically we're very generous
about symbols when they turn up outside
our own lives particularly in art at
college we might write a thoughtful
essay on what sunflowers meant to Van
Gogh or why the color blue was so
important to Picasso with these artists
we're generous we don't think they were
idiotic to get so obsessed with little
things we expend our imaginative effort
to try to work out what the details
meant we should take a lesson from this
patient and investigative approach
and do for the important little details
of our own emotional lives some what art
historians do for the details of their
canvases for the vigorous pressing on
the chopping board it's not the
potential damage to the woods that's in
essence important we could probably meet
the expense of replacing the board once
a year or so but our partners over eager
effort as we see it is a tiny moment in
which we catch sight of a much more
troubling and larger quality in them a
certain sense of indelicacy roughness or
lack of restraint and we fear this side
of them not so much in their life in
general but in relation to us the real
fear is that they won't realize when
they're hurting us our worry isn't for
the board it's for ourselves with a seat
belt
the real pointer issue might be around
authority we were always taught to put
the belt on before starting the engine
we obeyed we've learned to do the right
thing why then do they feel they can get
away with breaking the rules
what is this slightly arrogant in title
sense of being different the absurdly
tiny detail is precisely when the seat
belt is fastened becomes a carrier of a
grand and in its way
properly legitimate concern will my
partner ever understand the fear of
doing the wrong thing and sympathize
generously with it will they stop
feeling they are above the rules equally
important issues are behind-the-scenes
evident everywhere the few drops of
water the partner empties casually from
the glass are not about wastage in a
lifetime it might add up to one bath for
lonely it's about fear that they might
treat us in a similar fashion and
without a second thought
after they've drunk the best of our
years throw us away around the
handwriting they're cheery post-it note
on the kitchen table on Saturday morning
gone to buy bread which could be
pedantically deciphered as gone to buy
head doesn't genuinely confuse us rather
we resent their lack of worry about
being misunderstood we resent the
implication embodies in this tiny detail
that they don't have to take special
care to make themselves clear to us we
see in a note a lifetime of
misunderstanding and lonely
so we're right to worry the problem is
the way we handle our worries ideally we
wouldn't simply curse and get irritable
we would patiently transfer our
attention and concern away from the
minor instance the symbol towards the
real heart of our complaint which we
would lay out with care sympathy and
maybe a touch of humor once the real
issues in our relationships are raised
the annoying details may be less
difficult to live with the cosmos
probably our partner won't be
indifferent to our articulated worries
with a riskier symbols decoded love
stands a chance of becoming ever more
mutual feasible and secure
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