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Kyle Kittleson here with calli the lab
and of course dr. Romani thanks for
being here cue now today we're talking
about narcissistic relationships and we
have an entire series that we just
filmed on med circle all about the
different narcissists in your life
whether that's a co-worker a family a
friend a boss maybe even your dog but I
want you to say in the comments section
below
who is the narcissist in your life
because we all have one as you say some
people don't but then we'll get into
what that really means because I
actually think we all do have one just
maybe someone you don't know or
something you don't recognize got it so
what do why do narcissistic
relationships deserve such special
attention well you know typically we
have talked about the intimate
relationship Kyle we're gonna go beyond
that and we're gonna talk about the fact
that it goes beyond that into parents
adult children co-workers bosses friends
in-laws siblings like our relationships
take in a lot of territory so you may be
married to an angel or dating a
sweetheart but it's someone else in your
life the techniques are a little bit
different they have a different impact
but there are some universals
and once people can get understand those
universals one thing the series isn't
really going to do is get into how to
apply these universal tools to each of
these kinds of individual relationships
right so one of the big differences I
can already see is that when you are in
a relationship relationship with a
narcissist you might you have the option
to leave that relationship yes yes yes
but you don't have the option to not
have your mother right you know you're
always going to have your mother right
so that's much more difficult it's much
more difficult it's much more it's
trickier I mean obviously a romantic
partner raises lots of other practical
issues but also keep in mind it's a
different level of responsibility you
chose the romantic partner in many cases
in many cases maybe not all but you
didn't choose your mom you didn't choose
your dad you didn't you
boss in some cases you know you're in
loss so a lot of these other
relationships they feel like they were
foisted upon you or that's just sort of
this is your feels almost fatalistic
right a partner a friend those kind of
feeling I got myself into this mess
didn't I so yeah there's a different
kind of responsibility like I said but
there are some universals all right so
what are some key strategies of managing
narcissistic relationships so there are
some key strategies the key strategies
are you know number one above all else
it is the single most important strategy
which is maintaining realistic
expectations that's everything because
if you can do that you don't get
surprised yeah you don't get shocked yes
you you may still get disappointed but
maybe not as much right right and so
you're kind of like that's just them
being them you know and you're not what
do you mean you know and think why it
rains I mean if you live in Seattle or
rains great things why are you surprised
by this
so the realistic expectations can help
you mentally prepare frankly sort of
physically prepare do the things you
need to do to get ready for an
interaction and not feel as devastated
on the back end because invariably
narcissists are gonna let you down or
even worse be abusive or unkind or cool
so that's number one number two and I
should almost say this last but I'm
gonna lead with it is radical acceptance
mmm this is it that's hard you better
believe it's hard but it's everything
yeah anyway and why didn't you say
radical acceptance and not just accept
it because radical acceptance is this is
ain't this is it it ain't changing
mm-hmm this is it we did a series on
narcissistic personality disorder from
med circle and one thing you said in
there was use you said when people come
to me and say well he's so unpredictable
you said what do you mean narcissists
are the most predictable people in the
world yeah yes they are predictable and
I think what's there you can predict
their unpredictability in a way so it's
it's that it's that peace so that's
number two okay number three is don't
engage
I know that's a hard one okay so it's a
the hard part about not engaging is like
I have to talk to this person you have
to talk to them but don't give them too
much rope yeah so keep your answers trim
and slim don't render yourself
vulnerable don't walk into what I call
sort of those danger zones that are
invariably where you guys end up kind of
going down the wormhole like really kind
of keep it tight and superficial I tell
people prepare a list of topics
you got the weather you got can you
believe the team changed their baseball
hats to green
you got the can you believe they're
selling Turkey for only this much a
pound like is it uninteresting it sure
is uninteresting it'd be too bad heck
out of a soul sapping argument because I
you can even see people gear up yep for
an interaction with a narcissist they go
well here they come and I'm gonna go to
battle and you can't win it would be
like putting me in the ring with a
heavyweight boxer yeah I'm gonna be out
after one punch so I'm not gonna try
that that's where the boxer is strong
okay yeah and that's that sort of the
those kinds of contentious are
argumentative situations are the
narcissist strong spot that's there it's
really is erina and they're really good
there I also tell people when you're
dealing with narcissist don't defend
yourself the temptation is to defend and
explain
no no remember this and I did that and
bah bah bah and bah bah bah okay they're
not going on facts to start with like
they're going on their version of the
truth so if somebody accuses me of
something I clearly did not do or
clearly did not say to a defendant is
actually giving some credence to what
they just said so let's say let's say
I'm a narcissist and we decided that we
were gonna film today at 9:00 a.m. and
then you show up at 9:00 and I go where
were you we said we were gonna film
today at 8:00 mm-hmm the best thing you
can do is say you know it's interesting
I had it down here and my phone is nine
but it's quite possible I could have
been wrong I'm hearing
let's go ahead and begin don't know no
it was a here's a text here so this the
Deaf Papa you know I could get really
worked up but then if I know what I'm
dealing with
yeah it's the gas lighting you know
again you know I gas lighting only works
if I'm gas slidable yes whoa gas
lighting only works if you're gas light
to a bowl so if I know I'm dealing with
a narcissist I know they're gonna guess
like me realistic expectations radical
acceptance so when you do it to me I
honestly think inside the formula works
again yes yes oh that's comforting next
technique boundaries boundaries
boundaries yes boundaries mean lots of
things to lots of people they are sort
of psychological lines in the sand you
know I and part of it is that not
engaging it's being you know it's
understanding when you need to leave the
conversation that's a big part of
boundary setting it's huge because what
happens is so many people maintain so
much hope for these relationships today
is gonna be different this Christmas is
going to be different this date is going
to be different my birthday this year is
going to be different it's not mm-hmm
okay so having the boundary we're gonna
end at this time I'm gonna stay in a
hotel whatever it is the boundary
becomes key and it becomes enforceable
at some level but at a minimum even if
you can't enforce it hardcore with the
narcissist it's a line in the sand in
your mind mm-hmm
another piece of engagement with or
having any kind of a managing I should
say a relationship with a narcissist
also comes down to your how you manage
sort of the backend of it
okay it's exhausting and it's easy to
ruminate and obsess when you say the
backend you mean you're done with the
interaction okay like how you recover
from those nice Thanksgiving dinner with
your mom and you can't stop thinking
about it
uh-huh in some ways she behaved like she
behaved for the previous 35 Thanksgiving
right so I think that it's the I can't
believe this that goes back to the
realistic expectations right so there is
a whole host of ways that people do all
of these tools
work I have worked with so many clients
because that you know I do a lot more a
lot of short-term consultation with
clients who want to sort of understand
this in their specific life situation
and they'll bring it to me and we'll
have it tackled in 15 minutes just using
these techniques and then they'll
practice them they write it all on their
phone and they'll say this works life
change this yeah these are narcissist
acts they work but you have to tweak
them a little yes based on the kind of
specific relationship the person is in
so what works with a neighbor or in-law
may not work with a mother or an adult
child right right well let's give our
viewers a look at this series on
narcissism and what they can expect take
a look at this a lot of people get lost
in like I think our statistic I gotta
figure this out as though they're giving
a diagnosis right the adjective by
itself is not diagnostic if you really
experience from this parent that they
were difficult and selfish and cruel
with you know just there was an
antagonistic quality to them maybe I
also help you circle that drain and say
yeah your parents seem narcissistic it
almost doesn't matter if it felt like
that emotionally distant and
invalidating and controlling a childhood
doesn't matter it was still a miserable
experience and it's definitely something
that shaped you and that's the key a
parent shapes us so now your personality
is being shaped by a person who likely
devalued emotion I would say that over
90 percent of people who grew up in
narcissistic family systems walk around
with the mantra I am not enough haunting
them for the rest of their lives you can
watch that entire series and other
series by dr. Romani at Med circle calm
and just so you're aware we go over
managing a narcissistic relationship
with a parent siblings a child and
in-law a friend a co-worker I mean
anybody in your life who could possibly
be a narcissist
we cover and I also wanted to share this
with you on camera I haven't told dr.
Romani this yet I on Instagram said I
was meeting with you yesterday
and I asked them if they had any
questions about narcissism and this
Bodhi said or Dominique said thanks to
med circle and dr. Romani I don't have
any questions anymore thank you so much
that is powerful when you can go into a
relationship and be solid with the tools
in your belt with the education and
knowledge that you have that is power
well I mean that one member of our med
circle team here once came up to me and
said now that you taught me to see this
I can't unsee this and that when she
said that to me it was really really
powerful because it reminds me that once
we do have some knowledge you know
whatever it is from when we're children
all the way through adulthood that
sometimes just knowing these things we
should be teaching this in school apps
until then that circle is gonna have to
be what's deaf until then you got so
make sure you leave a comment below
letting us know who the relationship or
who in your life could possibly be a
narcissist and also give this a nice
thumbs up it helps us spread the word on
narcissism and help spread dr. Romney's
amazing insight and education I'm Kyle
Kittleson remember whatever you're going
through
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