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Codependency and Relationships--How To Stop Seeking External Validation



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Why Codependents have a hard time holding onto their own reality

how beautiful you to family least a reminder here the breakthrough lifecodes

and today I want to talk about why it's so hard for co-dependent to own their

realities and I'll tell you what i mean you have a have a conversation with

someone if your Cody panic on new as you have where you begin to discuss how you

feel about something and then you begin to worry about the other person's

perception of you and let's say for instance you are upset about something

and you confront your spouse your confront your best friend and let's say

it's about you saying that you don't want to go to this party and you as a

codependent have finally found the courage to start speaking your truth so

that's reality a meaning reality is my reality I do not like to go to that

party that's tough enough if you're co-dependent to hold on to that reality

I mean if you were really co-dependent you're worried about what everybody else

thinks about you not want to go to that party you you're already wobbly and

losing your right

own reality a so let's say you finally you're out of place where you're telling

the truth and you you have the courage to tell your friends listen I decided

that I don't like go to that party that you holding on to you and your job is to

hold onto reality a no matter what your friends says about your reality that's

tough to do when your co-dependent so let's say your friend I don't know karen

says well I want you to go to the party with me your job is to hold on to your

reality in spite of Karen's reality reality be karen has a different reality

karen has a different agenda Karen wants to you too I don't know just be her

sidekick

or she feels more comfortable when you're there but you don't want to hang

out with Karen for whatever reasons you know karen drinks too much karen's loud

karen's obnoxious Karen can't stop flirting with every man that walks by

Karen's the girl that she's that girl that throws up at the end of every night

out

karen's that girl that has to have all the attention on her she can shut up

blah blah blah and you don't like it you don't want them to dinner with my

friends like you know it all but carries a girl that against you now I just

explained to you I didn't realize it but that's another reality so that's your

perception of Karen when she goes out so that's another one of your hold on to

your boundaries deal one thats your reality you're right to that reality you

have a right to experience this woman the way you experience her the gold will

wrote coming through the veil thats co-dependency and we begin to wake up

and we're processing this information and new data with new IRA's new eyes

differentiating reality a reality from reality be your reality or someone

else's reality so you've told you don't want to go

currents of set karen's you know she's where co-dependent recorded with the

kids was coated with our friends and so parents give you some pushback and she

wants to try to get you to jump out of your reality and jump into her reality

in care more about her reality so what we wanna do in this situation is observe

what comes out us serbs irv her reality she's going to explain to you what she

thinks and what she wants

that's fine everybody has a right to their own reality and so if you listen

with proper years you'll begin to understand

that karen has a right to her perception of you karen has a right to want you to

go there's no harm in that

karen has a right to feel about you the way she wants to feel about you even if

how she feels about you and very nice she has that right so we have to learn

to demystify what it means when we are not doing what other people want us to

do we're not bad because we can't make everybody else happy it's not our

responsibility to make everybody else happy our responsibilities to come here

connect to live a life that would say that's within our self within our heart

which is our compass which is on North Star that's where I GPS you know it's

our job to come here and connect with that divinity and then to know what we

feel so that we can learn to set boundaries and move forward according to

our boundaries at the red flags that we experienced in life that so many of us

ignore god knows I have that is divine guidance thats intuition that's our

sixth sense you know dolphins they have a sixth sense you know how many birds

have a success nature everything's about that sixth sense that since you can't

see we accept that you know birds of a feather flock together we accept that

there's something going on perhaps on Microsoft are happening we accept there

there's something there that is guiding and device and attracting people to one

another and that that is invisible it is vibrational it's instinctual its

intuitive so we have difficulty holding onto our realities because our mamas in

our Pop us taught us that our reality

mothers and fathers taught us that we need to worry about their reality so

fast forward 30 years

hanging out with Karen issues like model what you come out come hang out with me

on Friday AM I want to meet up with a few people there are two years later you

know you've conferences function home yo mama schizophrenic or depressed or

amount as a ranger mom is a screamer mom was an alcoholic I don't know all these

dysfunctional problems you know fast for over thirty years later and you're an

adult child and dysfunctional home and someone asks you a very simple question

and it literally jacks you up like you don't know how to answer because you

don't you know you were never taught that what you think and feel is

important and so you just react to what's being said and so often times you

know you know when I think about being co-dependent in my heyday of

codependency you know I was like six years old you know I'm generous when I

say oh I was I was operating perhaps like a forty year old I'm being generous

because that's true I don't think that I was at even 14 I think healthy fourteen

year old has a sense of self has some direction and her life is in touch with

who she is what makes her happy I don't have any known I was deflecting pain my

whole life and I was still seeking validation and so for this video

it's really just want to drive home drive home the issue that on the road to

recovery it's really important that we begin to understand this concept of

realities and not at all of the shares in reality you know some say potato some

say pataki you know and people have had an

a stupid silly arguments over how to pronounce potato will but I was crazy

I'm allowed to have my reality of a situation and if I hundred people in the

room every reality is valid for that person

my job is to into it and figure out who is a like-minded person who can see me

because I can see everybody has an empath I can see everybody my job is to

figure out who can see me who can flow love back because in that situation I

get the opportunity to grow and to expand in a situation where I attract

someone who has he is unable to see me who is self focus and pass and

co-defendants are other focused so guess what happens so when you could have any

other focus you bump into a narcissist or a very aggressive co-dependent less

attractive co-dependent they're going to be more self focus so in that situation

let's say I attracted narcissus in that situation he's other for resale focus

I'm other focus 02 people are focused on his ass and I am I not part of the

equation I don't even realize it i mean people who go an entire lifetime sixty

seventy eighty years old and wake up and realize that they were not part of the

relationships that they were in and that's so sad so sad so the work that I

do is about encouraging empowering enlightening and really really shedding

it was sharing information that has helped me on the road to recovery and so

when you're out and about today and please write this in your notebooks I

take the stairs while you're out and about today

see if you can pull back and listen to people and observe the varying realities

crazy codependents

codependent recovery

that are coming at you

the toughest thing for you will be when you are butting up against some

or with someone who has a reality of you that is painful it happens when we bump

into people who especially remind us of our family of origin and so in my case

and in lots of my clients cases when when they got divorced they confront

assertively they come face-to-face with the idea that mommy or daddy see them in

a false way for me so often you know growing up in my family I felt in my

heart

they didn't seem like they didn't know who I was all about it was impossible

for me to let my guard down because I was felt like they were insensitive they

were and they enjoyed picking on me and triangulation was rampant in my family

and my family was one that liked to humiliate each other you know in front

of other people that is like a cardinal rule like you have if you do that it's

doing that as people especially children and your spouse stop it

knocking off unnecessary it's damaging his violent so just cause you're not

using a chainsaw that doesn't mean you're not shopping people up you are so

so when you grow up in a home where you don't feel safe

your retreat inside yourself and it's very difficult because for so many

reasons for me personally I had when I had to let go of the fact that my family

just couldn't see me that in understand me they don't understand understand who

I was there were obtained from a long line of dysfunctional alcoholics you

know suicide is just a freakin mess so walking away from that I had to also let

go it was so difficult to let go like they think I'm a bitch they think I'm

selfish they think I'm just being ridiculous they think that I'm over

emotional they think that I'm acting they think that I'm making this stuff up

you know my feelings don't matter to them

them and it was so difficult to kind of like you know lay down their arms and

just say I cannot change the way you see me you know I can I change that at all

you know and that's what I mean about that was the lesson in it for me and

that I'm trying to share with you is that I had to learn to accept their

reality even though their reality was painful for me to accept I had to learn

to accept that they have a right to perceive me do whatever filter was

activated in their head and there was nothing I could do about that really

really nothing that I could do about that and that was just like ridiculous

ridiculously painful I had to accept my reality and my reality was you people

hurt me and I have to go no contact for a while and see what happens you know

just kind of like though the spaghetti up against the wall so you see what

happens you know so much of recovery is is is unchartered waters when you're in

recovery

you know it can be so exciting as long as you approach it with that type of a

mindset you know I heard allan lots a journal lecture on YouTube screwed up

but I'll paraphrase she said Sunday that was quite really it was like you want

life to be exciting because if it's not it's just repeating the path so what

he's basically saying is that you know if every day is everyday is what

yesterday was and the day before while the month before in the week before you

can you can you can think about destruction marriages so it's

dysfunctional now

and chances are if you know you don't get on the same bored you know it's not

going to work and so what will happen is the last couple of years will just

continue the manifest into the future so you really not living you just you just

visiting the past which is incredibly brilliant if you stop and think about it

recovery work is is exciting but it's also nerve-wracking because you're

you're in a situation that you've never been in before I'm trying to basically

teacher had to think and use your brains your advantage we have been taught to

process information

well actually as children we we were radio receivers of information and

everything I filtered through our hearts not information that shunted into our

brain and I brainstormed ideas about who we thought we were based on what we

perceived outside of us outside of us to mom and dad and then over time what

happens is we're stuck in our heads and we forget we forget that were supposed

to be feeling and if you came from a really really really dysfunctional home

what will happen is you'll be afraid to connect to that feeling space you'll

just shut it off and you live in a state of survival cortisol is running rampant

you can't learn you can access prefrontal cortex you live in a state of

survival

do you suffer from fear paralysis I mean there are so many things that go wrong

when you're living in the state of fear and don't forget you on your views of

home is not just one that that is obviously abusive you know where kids

are getting beat and criticized and made fun of and harassed and neglected and

star no I mean you can call from 10 emotionally neglectful home like Rafa

back too much you know dear Robin Williams was left alone here spent most

of his attic playing a little soldiers yeah ok it opened up his creative model

which i think is also but we think about an only child who's being raised by

amaze mom and dad don't give a shit

shift about him an adequate himself you know that's horrible horrible and he

wasn't be stuck cigarettes in space but thats neglect and abuse so what I want

you to take away from this video again is the idea of owning reality a reality

is your reality and learning to understand that other people have a

right to their reality and that it's your job to stay in your reality in

spite of what someone else's reality is and also pay attention to when you get a

little bit wobbly and undoubtedly you will she pay attention to when you get

wobbly and you feel yourself worrying about the other person's reality okay

and if it's very difficult to accept that someone else has a reality of you

thats people but start playing with those ideas because that will help you

milk detachment and eventually you'll be able to relate to people on a much

healthier level on an interdependent level so instead of two people like

leaning on each other it's like this face to face you know and we support one

another so dear ones please let me know how you are you receive this video I

have a tell-all class then I will be giving on October 24th at Saturday at 12

noon eastern standard time if you have not join my newsletter at least a Romano

dot com in self-esteem dot com I suggest that you do please do all the

information will be in the newsletter that's where I communicate that's how I

send information out about these della classes

it is my pleasure to come into your heart and intuition to open your minds

today dear ones I truly truly appreciate this opportunity to help you heal

Codependency and Narcissists

path to enlightenment namaste