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Jordan Peterson - This is How To Have a Better Life



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the the societal structure which which

is an elaborated dominance hierarchy

regulates your emotions because of the

match between your expectations and the

behaviors of the people within that

structure and then your position within

the hierarchy regulates the rate ratio

let's say and the intensity between

positive and negative emotion so you

mess with people's status at your peril

and you disrupt their culture they don't

like that and no wonder because when

it's disrupted they fall into chaos and

chaos isn't just anxiety the anxiety is

bad enough but it's not just anxiety

because when you fall into chaos when

things fall apart for you

of course you're uncertain and anxious

because you don't know what the hell is

going on and you don't know where you

are you don't know what to do

bad sayings already provoking and maybe

you can't even understand your past

properly anymore that as I said that

happens when people get betrayed and so

you fall into this state where nothing

is certain the way you construe the

world isn't certain and even the way the

world is is no longer certain because

you don't know how to act or your

actions aren't working and so the world

is presenting itself as something that's

chaotic it's not just psychological the

chaos is a weird intermingling of the

chaotic world and the chaotic self I

mean that's what happens when you get

unemployed it's like it's devastating

right it's devastating to people and you

can say well that's psychological it's

like well yeah but they're unemployed

that makes the world far more

incomprehensible and uncertain it's not

just psychological it's psychological

and that's bad but it's also real and

that's even worse and then those two

things can spiral which they often do

because you know if you don't set your

expectations properly for a job search

and assume that you're going to get 49

rejections for every interview which you

really need to know because if you get

49 rejections it's not because you're

useless it's because the baseline for

rejection is 98% and that's okay because

the base rate for rejection forever

is 98% no matter what you do but you

need to know that so that you don't feel

that it's like something wrong with you

and of course you only have to get it

right once that then you have a job

that's a lottery but you have to set

yourself up you have to think okay well

I'm gonna look for a job I need to how

many resumes can I tolerate sending out

a day you know it has to be enough so

you don't feel like a useless and

it can't be so many that you're

overwhelmed by the burden so and I help

people do this sort of thing all the

time so maybe you decide well you're

gonna send out ten a day and you're

gonna work two hours on it and it's

gonna take six months and then you know

you've got your parameters set properly

and you know what to expect in the world

and and your emotions are regulated and

so but the state of being unemployed

doesn't just produce psychological

consequences so the the distinction

between the psyche in the world in some

sense is quite arbitrary

and the psychoanalysts I think it err

too much on the side of the subject they

tend to think that too much of you is

inside of you and too little of you is

outside of you and part of the reason I

believe that is because of my clinical

experience

I love the psychoanalyst man they're

brilliant they're brilliant they're deep

they grapple with real problems like

with the problems when people have real

problems and I mean profound problems

they're really profound moral problems

or problems of good and evil really you

know there are things going on in their

family that are so terrible that well

that there are there are sometimes fatal

you know lie upon lie upon lie upon lie

for decades and decades and decades it's

awful

and that's not exactly inside them it's

out there in the world and lots of the

people that I see very famous critic of

psychology I can't remember his name but

I probably will criticize the practice

of psychology quite effectively and he

believed in the early 60s the myth of

mental illness by Thomas says Szasz it's

classic you should read it if you're

interested in psychology read it like

it's it's a classic and he basically

said most people have problems in living

they don't have psychological problems

and so I've experienced despite my love

for the psychoanalysts very frequently

what I'm doing as a therapist is helping

people have a life that would work you

know and you can parameterize that it's

like what do you need how about some

friends that people kind of like that

how about an intimate relationship with

someone that you can trust that maybe

has a future that would be good how

about a career that puts you in a

dominant are key somewhere so at least

you've got some possibility of rising

some possibility of stabilizing yourself

and are scheduled in a routine because

no one can live without a routine you

just forget that if you guys don't have

a routine I would recommend like you get

one going because you cannot be mentally

healthy without a routine you need to

pick a time to get up whatever time you

want but pick one and stick to it

because otherwise you dis regulate your

circadian rhythms and they regulate your

mood and eat something in the morning I

had lots of clients who've had anxiety

disorders I had one client who was

literally starving very smart girl sheet

there's very little that she liked she

kind of tried to subsist on like half a

cup of rice a day she came to me and

said I have no energy I come home all I

want to do is watch the same movie over

and over what like is that weird and I

thought well it depends on how hard you

work you know it's a little weird but

whatever it's familiar you're looking

for comfort so I did an analysis of

diet it's like three quarters of a cup

of rice it's like you're starving eat

something you know

you'll feel better

so she modified her diet and her all her

anxiety went away and she had some

energy it's like yeah you got to eat so

schedule that's a good thing man your

brain will thank you for it it will

stabilize your nervous system with it's

a bit of a plan that's a good thing you

need a career you need something

productive to do with your time you need

to regulate your use of drugs and

alcohol most particularly alcohol

because that does even a lot of people

you need a family like the family you

have your parents and all that be nice

of you all got along you could work on

that that's a good thing to work on and

then you know you probably need children

at some point that's life that's what

life is and if you're missing you know

you may have a good reason to not be

operating on one of those dimensions

it's not mandatory but I can tell you

that if you're not operating reasonably

well on four I think I mentioned six if

you're not operating reasonably well on

at least three of them there's no way

you're going to be psychologically

thriving and that's more pragmatic in

some sense than psychological right

human beings have a nature there's

things we need and if we have them well

that's good and if we don't have them

well then we feel the lack and so

behaviorists behavioral psychologists

concentrate a lot more on that sort of

thing

you know it's practical it's like

strategizing make a career plan figure

out how to negotiate cuz that's bloody

important figure out how to say what you

need figure out how to tell the truth to

people figure out how to listen to your

partner in particular because if you

listen to them they will actually tell

you what they want and sometimes you can

give it to them and maybe they'll return

the favor and if you practice that for

like 15 years well then maybe you're

constantly giving each other what you

want

hooray that would be good and then

there's two of you under all

circumstances and it's better to have

two brains than one because people think

differently because of their temperament

mostly and so the negotiation is where

the wisdom arises and it's part of the

transformation the psychological

transformation that's attendant on an

intimate relationship and one of the

fundamental purposes of a long-term

intimate relationship