How to live
A Good Honest Life
How Habits of Honesty and Transparency Can Transform Your Life | Jennah Dohms | TEDxWhiteRock
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[Music]
for years I was fueled by fear all I saw
when I looked in the mirror was
inadequacy all I saw was brokenness my
own and that of the world around me but
not anymore
today I want to share with you a
practice that helps me feel fully loved
and fully known something that isn't
always comfortable but I believe is
necessary it stems from the way that I
grew up I grew up in a small beautiful
town with loving parents and neighbors
who knew me by name my quaint town could
have been featured on a vintage postcard
but all that beauty was a veneer that
had brokenness much of the town was
actually adrift many of my friends and
even their parents sought grounding in
things like binge drinking and drugs
denying the realities around them so
much so that by the time I was 16 I
already had three close friends
threatened to take their own lives with
one succeeding these cycles continued
year after year in my small town and I
too felt adrift I secretly felt
worthless but felt compelled to pretend
like nothing was wrong so afraid of
being caught in the patterns of
destruction that I saw happening around
me I came up with a solution I self
diagnosed as the neighborhood anchor I
was the friend that people would call in
the middle of the night to cry to I was
the designated driver at every party and
I was the trustee volunteered every
community event
I grounded myself in busyness but it was
only my drug of choice i binge on
busyness and serving others like my
friends binge don cheap beer and it
wasn't until someone else my parents in
this case held up a mirror for me to
really examine myself did I not realize
how far from grounded I was and that I
was neglecting myself have you ever felt
adrift what's your drug of choice have
you ever wondered if people really knew
you
and if they did would they even care
I've wondered this often I've wondered
if potentially the answer could have
helped with all the silent suffering
that I saw and experienced and then I
found something I found something that
helps me with the answer it is this
accountability mutual accountability
with others I've learned that a mirror
constructed by our own perceptions does
not often portray an accurate image of
who we are it's clouded by pride or
insecurity fear inadequacy mutual
accountability means being transparent
and giving permission for others to see
the real you and for them to actually
tell you what they see years after I
left my small town I practiced this type
of accountability in a trio with two
women my age here are the rules
each week we ask each other ten
questions in a confidential environment
there is true transparency and honesty
with no judgment there's charity and
grace accompanied by strength I'll give
you an example of some of the questions
we ask and I encourage you to reflect
and think about how you would answer
some are more emotional
such as what bitterness or resentment
have you experienced and how are you
expressing a loving attitude or what
worries or concerns are you currently
facing others more practical like how
are you stewarding your spine ances and
some encouraging what is something to
celebrate what is something that you are
proud of my friend see me and I'm gonna
be honest sometimes I don't want to
enter the conversation with my trio it
can be brutal as I know that they may
have some hard truths for me to hear
that week and vice versa
but I think it's important to continue I
believe that in order to feel fully
loved we must feel fully known which
requires a certain level of honesty I do
not want to be simply known as a
picturesque postcard version of myself
but as the real and imperfect image of
me imagine if we all practice this what
would it look like for the spouse who's
tempted to have an affair with a
co-worker if they were being honest and
held accountable in this situation
imagine the business person who has the
option to cut corners and his work and
make an unethical choice imagine your
friends holding you accountable to your
own dream maybe it's becoming an artist
or going back to school and encouraging
you to take the next step my friends see
the real me they say what is hard to say
and often hard to hear but they have
also taught me that this can come from a
place of love and not of judgement and
there's an added bonus having these
questions in my head continually makes
me mindful through the week
I've learned I'm learning how to receive
criticism and not be so defensive about
my failures do you ever fear that you'll
wake up in ten years and not be proud of
what you see that you may be caught in
the very patterns that kept you from
achieving your dreams that fear is very
real for me but now when I wake up I
plant my feet firmly on the ground
putting one foot in front of the other
knowing that I will not be caught in the
habits that will keep me from moving
forward when I look back on myself in
that small town I wish I could tell her
that though those fears they may never
go away they will not leave her adrift
one day when she is older she will walk
in the company of others who challenge
her to be better but love her for who
she is and I'm not the only one who's
experienced this I've had mentors who
have practiced this type of
accountability for over 30 years as
they've walked through difficulty in
marriage job changes disease and even
death of loved ones so I challenge you
to reach out to two trusted peers with
whom you can practice mutual
accountability with no matter what age
or season of life having people love you
and challenge you and hold you
accountable can always be of benefit
even if it's not always comfortable
thank you
[Applause]
