Hi. I'm Bruce Muzik. I'm a relationship coach and I work with couples.
Specializing in helping them heal their troubled relationships.
If I earned a penny
for every time somebody came to me and said...
"Bruce, my partner NEVER listens to me" I'll be a very wealthy man.
In this video you're gonna learn how to become
a rockstar listener, which will automatically make you
a rockstar lover... with a capital "L"
More than anything in romantic relationships we human beings
want to experience and feel heard by our lovers.
It's almost like it's a primal need for us.
When we don't, we experience being disconnected from each other and we
experience that a partner doesn't actually love us fully.
I'm gonna give you 4 simple
tips and techniques that you can use right now, tonight.
To make you a better listener. The first is:
Be responsive. There's a lot of research that shows that couples
whose relationships have responsive communication where they actually respond
actively to each other, those relationships last a lifetime.
Whereas relationships that are headed for divorce courts
tend to be with couples who are unresponsive to each other's communication
So what does it mean to be responsive? One way you can be responsive
with your partner when they're talking to you and you're listening
which will make you a better listener, is to just simply nod your head.
Just slowly like this (you know what it's like) just to let them know that you're actually listening,
or say things like...
"uh-huh", "I get it...", "I understand...", "oh... right!"
Those kind of things show your partner that you're actively engaged in listening to them
and almost set their unconscious mind
at ease being able to relax, knowing that they're experiencing being heard.
Remember I said being heard is one of our primal fundamental human needs?
What tends to happen is they actually communicate less,
it's not like they're going to go and talk forever,
which is what I often get from my clients, who say to me "Bruce but...
if I'm just listening all the time my partner will never stop talking" and I'm like...
"No, they never stop talking because they never feel heard by you"
If you're showing them that you're interested and you're listening,
they'll talk less and before long it'll be your turn to talk.
The second tip I'm going to give you,
for how to be a rockstar listener is to:
Stop everything you're doing when your partner is speaking.
Have you ever driven your car home while talking on a cell phone?
You get home, you hang up the call and you realize that you don't remember
anything about the journey home. Well, then you've experienced what it's like to have
split attention or divided attention. When your partner is speaking to you and you're
doing something else
your attention is divided between them and what you're doing
and you won't be able to do either of them well. More importantly your partner
is not going to experience that you're fully present with them
they're not going to feel heard and they're going to experience a disconnection
between the two of you.
What's likely to happen is that later on that day or later on that evening,
that disconnection is likely to cause an argument which may erupt into a fight.
So rather stop everything you're doing and give your partner your undivided attention.
If you can't do that in the moment because perhaps you're engaged
in an important work activity or whatever the case may be
just say to your partner "Honey, I can't be fully present with you right now.
I'm really committed to giving you a 100% of my attention.
Can we have this conversation again in an hour's time when I'll be free?".
Then set up a time and then just give them your 100% focused attention.
They're gonna love you for it.
The third tip I wanna give you is to listen without an agenda.
You see what we're usually doing when we think we're listening to
somebody is not actually listening.
Usually what we're doing is we're thinking about what we're going
to say back to them in response.
This is particularly prevalent when you're having an argument or a fight with somebody.
They're making their case with you and you're not listening to a word they're saying.
You're listening to the inner voice in your head, that internal dialogue.
If you're wondering what voice? Is the little voice that just said...
"What voice?" You're listening to that voice in your head
comment about what they're saying and plot what you're gonna say back.
So one of the most beautiful gift you can give your partner is just to listen to them
for the sake of listening. You'll both feel a whole lot more connected to each other.
The fourth tip I want to give you about how to become a rockstar listener,
whom leaves your partner feeling completely heard, understood and loved
is to 'listen to learn'. What does it mean to listen to learn?
When you're listening with the intention of learning,
you're listening curiously to discover something and learn something
about your partner, perhaps what they're feeling,
what they're thinking, what they believe, what they're afraid of,
what happened in their day, but you're actively engaged in the process
of learning something about them.
You see, what a lot of people do in relationships that don't work is...
They listen thinking,... "Okay I have to go listen to my partner" particularly men.
Yawn... I'm just going to pretend I'm listening. And then they endure the listening process rather than
enjoying it and getting something out of it.
When you're listening to learn, you're actively engaged and your partner unconsciously experiences
feeling heard and they feel your curiosity. They feel your interest,
they feel connected with you and feel heard and it puts their mind at ease
and they'll love you more for it.
Now here's a common mistake people make when listening. They're so concerned with
listening and giving their partner the experience of being heard,
that when the partner says something they don't understand, they're too afraid to interrupt.
If your partner says something and you're not completely clear about what
they're saying or you don't understand what they're saying,
just pause your partner, it's okay to interrupt your partner. Say to them:
"Honey, I didn't understand what you just said. Would you help me understand?"
If you ask them that question, "Would you help me understand?"
It's almost like you're giving them permission to contribute to you,
which makes them feel important and respected. Like you're really actually
interested in understanding what they have to say. So there you have it...
4 tips to make you a rockstar listener and have your partner feel heard,
which will automatically make you
a better lover with a capital "L".
I'm Bruce Muzik. If you enjoyed this video do me a favor.
Hit the like button down below, it helps me get this video out to more people
which in turn helps more people have better, happier, healthier, loving relationships.
If you want to learn how to become a rockstar communicator,
not just a rockstar listener...
Go and check out my free fix your relationship training videos
www.LoveAtFirstFight.com when you get there,
enter your email address and I'll send you 4 free relationship training videos
which will help turn your relationship around, get the communication skills you need
to create a love that lasts a lifetime. Thank you for watching
and even more, thank you for being the kind of person who's interested in
improving your relationship.
I'll talk to soon.