Today, on Ask Mark, we are balancing the idea that men are biologically inclined to lead
with the idea that you want a relationship of equal contribution.
How the hell do these two work together in dating?
I get asked this all the time, so that's going to be the topic of Ask Mark number 82 welcome
to the video.
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Let's go to the first question, which is pretty much the exact thing I already read out.
A simplechicful says, what about when you want equal contribution in a relationship?
Is that a setback since the man is biologically inclined to lead?
It is not, simplechic, I can definitely say it is not, and there's a couple of reasons
First of all, a lot of women confuse contribution with leading, as in they think they're the
same thing. They're not the same thing at all. They are not the same thing.
You can contribute as a follower.
If you're telling me that you know a political party or even a friendship group doesn't have
contribution from their followers, you're kidding me.
A lot of time, the followers give more contribution than the leaders, right?
Now, the question here comes from a polarity angle, which is like, Oh, I want to create
a polarity with a, with a leading and a following angle.
And you can absolutely do that.
You're not going to do it 100% of the time.
This is really important to remember because you want to be able to invest in a guy.
You want to be able to lead sometimes like you want to text him how his days and that
not be weird.
You want to sometimes spoil him and take him on a date.
Remember, men have emotional sides too.
We have feminine sides too, and a healthy guy is going to want to be cared for too.
The number, I always think of is 70-30, right?
If you're aiming to do somewhere around 25 to 30% of the leading, it's a good balance
for the polarity, and you can still give 50-50 in the contribution.
So how do you contribute as a follower?
For example, you make sure you reward all his leading efforts.
You bring your energy to the table in the form of flirting or touch or just appreciation,
You might give him green lights and you say, Hey, I'm really looking forward to seeing
Or, Hey, when are you going to ask me out again?
Or, Hey, when are you going to ask for my number?
These are all ways to invest in him, i.e contribute without necessarily leading, so you can have
full contribution and keep your polarity.
Now, a quick truth bomb here that I think is important to talk about.
I get a lot of women who come to me who are in relationships where the guy has been doing
virtually all the leading and the contributing.
In other words, she's really sitting back.
She's even playing hard to get.
She's giving him really nothing and he's chase, chase, chase, contribute, contribute, contribute
and as soon as they lead or contribute, as soon as they show interest in him, he pulls
And a lot of women come to me very frustrated with this and they usually ask questions like
simplechic does, which is how the hell do I contribute without taking the lead?
Like how does this work?
Guys just lose interest.
The truth bomb is that if guys are losing interest, the moment you give any contribution
or the moment you even do a little bit of leading, like asking him how his day was,
then you are attracting emotionally unavailable men.
That's the reality of it.
The reason is, EU men, emotionally unavailable men will often, not always, but one of their
patterns is they like to sit at an investment ratio or masculine-feminine ratio of a hundred-zero.
In other words, they chase, chase, chase, they contribute, contribute, contribute and
you give nothing, right?
And these guys will chase as long as you're giving nothing.
But the problem is as soon as you start to contribute, they they piss off, right?
And the reason is they're scared.
Many of them have come from emotionally unavailable mothers as their background.
They might've been burned by another woman in the past.
There's all sorts of reasons, but think about it.
As long as he is contributing at a hundred-zero, he has all the power and control.
The, the emotional closeness is 100% monitored by him.
And so, as soon as you go to contribute or lead or even ask him out on a date, he will
pull away because he no longer feels safe and in control, right?
His, his emotional comfort zone is threatened, he will pull away.
So if you are consistently finding that you lean back, lean back, lean back, do nothing,
have the guy chase all the time and then the moment you put in effort, he pulls away, that
guy was emotionally unavailable.
It was nothing to do with you.
If anything, put a bit more effort in sooner and look to have that balance, that contribution
at 50-50 and if you're worried about polarities, just make sure that you are contributing more
as a follower than as a leader on a roughly 70-30 ratio.
Don't get too stuck in the ratios.
I really hope that helps.
I love that question and in fact, I've got a follow up question here, kind of along the
same lines with a bit of a practical example.
Uh, it's from Hannah and Hannah says Hi Mark.
I love your videos.
Thank you, Hannah.
She says, I have a question.
I've been on three days with this really sweet guy, but the problem is that all three dates
have been initiated by me.
In other words, she's doing 100% of the date initiation and leading.
On the date, he pays for meals.
He's very engaged and acts like a complete gentleman.
After dates, he always calls and texts how much he likes me and how he can't wait to
see me again.
Uh but I found myself initiating, kissing and all touching and he doesn't push for sex.
And I even initiate the next day.
He initiates contact through messages and calls.
So if I don't text him, he always initiates contact, contact, but he doesn't create plans.
My issue is I really like him, but I also want to feel he is chasing me.
Uh, and I don't want to continue investing in someone who isn't investing in me.
I don't know if it's because he is afraid to start dating again or because he just got
out of a relationship three months ago or because he's shy.
I'm completely confused.
I'm 21 and he's 25.
And just see how Hanah here is, is probably doing about 75% of the leading, right?
The guy's actually contributing a fair bit.
He's almost playing the feminine role and his contribution.
He's saying, Hey, I love the date he's even paying for the dates.
So he's doing a fair bit of contributing, but he's just not doing much of the leading,
So this is where we want to bring down our leading without decreasing our contribution.
If you want him to do more of the leading, the very first thing I'd do is send him the
text, your turn to create plans, mister!
Uh that alone will get him into the leading vibe where you're still contributing, but
you're no longer playing that leader role.
Uh, other green lights, so when are you going to kiss me, mister?
Uh, your turn to plan the next date, all sorts of things you can do to show your interest
and contribute without leading.
Cause right now, this is a bit of a 70-30 balance and I can see how it would kill the
If you want to kind of flip it on its head, you can keep contributing and showing him
that you like him the way you have been.
But take away the leading role.
Just, just dial yourself back from the leading and then give him positive feedback when he
So first, encourage him to lead, then give him positive feedback when he does.
If he does not, he either says he's not ready to be in a relationship, i.e he's not emotionally
available, something's blocking him or he's got too much shyness, feminine energy to really
roll with you, in which case, you guys might just not be a match.
Good question, Hannah.
I really like it.
And the final one is from Eleanore, and Eleanore says, hi Mark Rosenfeld.
Thank you for your video.
I wonder if a girl can sometimes be rude or is it completely a turn off?
For instance, I said happy new year to a boy who might interest me.
Uh, but he responds, Thanks, happy new year, big head.
Now, the problem is we don't know each other that well and he is qualifying me with one
of my biggest issues, my chubby round face.
Uh, I was kind of hurt.
So in the fury, I replied, thanks small dick.
Well, that escalated.
Uh, I don't know how to react to that kind of situation.
Maybe I'm over sensitive.
Let me know.
I really appreciate your point of view.
Thanks for the reply.
Uh, Eleanore, small dick?
Just, just don't text about a guy's small dick ever.
It's kind of a sensitive of area for a lot of men, you know, although, you know, if he
has absolutely no sensitivities over this, uh, if he's fine with it, then you know the
And that is Ask Mark for week number 82.
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