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How To Tell If Someone Truly Loves You | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity



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Translator: Stilyana Stoyanova Reviewer: Vanessa Soneghet

By show of hands,

How many of you have ever gotten in a relationship

because you felt that you were in love?

Very good!

How many have ever broken up and said to the person,

"You don't deserve me."

Ah-ha!

"As a matter of fact,

I don't even know how I fell in love with you in the first place."

Oh, I know.

You were drunk in love, right?

In my line of field, as a relationship coach,

clients come to me with their love problems.

One client wants me to evaluate her relationship.

She's been with her boyfriend for over four years.

There is no promise ring, no engagement ring,

no conversation about wedding.

And on top of it,

he is cheating on her.

She wants to know

if she should continue with the relationship

or kick the guy to the curb.

So, I ask her, "How many times has he cheated on you?"

She says, "At least four times."

When a lady says "at least four times,"

multiply that by two.

It's eight times.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes," she replies.

"Does he love you?"

"He says he does,

but his action does not show it."

"What action specifically?"

"The cheating."

"If you loved someone,

would you cheat on them?

If you truly loved someone,

would you cheat on them

at least four times

multiplied by two?"

She says, "No."

Well, if your answer is "no," then you know what to do.

True love that is not backed up by the right action

is not true love.

Another client says

he is happy in his relationship,

he loves his girl,

but he is cheating on the side with a married woman,

and they are both in love together.

And he does not know how he got himself in this situation.

I say, "You know how you got yourself in this mess.

You shifted your focus from your girl to someone else.

You divided your attention and your emotions.

Someone who used to hold the first priority on your heart

no longer holds that position.

That's how you got yourself in this mess.

So what do you want to do?"

He says he would like the married woman to be able to manage the situation.

"What do you mean by this?"

Well, every time the woman is with her husband,

she always thinks about him,

and he does not want the husband to get suspicious

so that he does not stop the affair.

I'm like, "Wait a minute!

So you want to continue having this affair with this woman?"

He says, "Yes."

I say, "Really?

How would your girlfriend feel about this?

Put yourself in her shoes.

You have a boyfriend who says he is happy with you,

he is in love with you,

but at the same time,

he is cheating with someone else that he is falling in love with.

Can you actually love two people at the same time?"

He says,

"I don't want any changes.

I just want the situation to remain the same.

I want to keep both women in my life."

I say, "Wow!

You are just like McDonald's slogan:

you are lovin' it.

Aren't you?"

Love is powerful.

According to a survey,

about 9 out of 10 Americans

cited love as an important factor to get married.

Past statistics show that 50% of first marriages,

67% of second marriages

and a stagering high of 73% of third marriages

end in divorce.

The question is,

If love is an important factor

that influences people to get married,

how come it does not hold the marriage?

How come it does not hold the relationship together?

When we examine love in a break up,

I believe one of three things has happened.

It's either: one,

there was no love at the beginning of the relationship to start with;

two,

there was something bigger than the love that broke the relationship;

or three,

the love declined.

I can understand when you feel like your love is depreciating

and you tell your partner, "I just don't love you right now,"

especially, when you are having a meal together

and your partner becomes inquisitive to ask why

because he just ate the last piece of the pie -

"If you loved me, you would let me have it."

That's what you say. Right, ladies?

At the same token,

I believe there is nothing bigger than love

that can break a relationship -

absolutely nothing -

if the couple truly loves each other.

And that is what I want to talk to you about today:

true love.

There are different types of love out there.

You have the philia love,

which is brotherly love.

It is what you share with your family, friends or colleagues.

Another one is eros.

It is a sexual type of love.

It gives the feelings of arousal.

This is what you feel

when you see a beautiful sexy person just walking past,

and you are like, "Oh, oh ma ma ma ma ma."

You cannot stop looking at them.

You cannot hold yourself together.

You begin to fantasise and have all kinds of imagination about that person.

You are having eros type of love.

The next one is what Mary J. Blige calls "real love."

You all know the song! "Real love, oh I’m searching for a real love,

someone to make my heart feel real love."

And we are still trying to understand what she meant by "real love."

You see, all these types of love cannot sustain a relationship.

They cannot hold a relationship together.

But true love,

which the Bible also describes as agape love,

can hold a relationship together,

can keep a relationship for a long haul.

What is true love?

True love is passionate love.

You have two independent words, passion and love,

fused together to make a strong definition.

Passion is the force that drives the love for something;

it is the flow that keeps love going.

Love without passion is like a body without a soul.

It is like a car without an engine.

No movement would happen.

And just in case you are wondering

how you can tell if someone truly loves you

or if you truly love someone:

sacrifice.

Sacrifice for one another would indicate if you truly loved each other.

And sacrifice is giving up something

for another thing that is far more important.

Just like giving up that piece of pie for your girl that is far more important.

Or it is the release of something in your possession

in an exchange for another thing that you love.

This is exactly what God did

when he released and sacrificed his only son, Jesus,

just to have us.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,

that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life."

God demostrated true love -

agape love.

Love filled with passion and sacrifice.

I had an opportunity to demonstrate my true love.

I was in college,

I enjoyed galvanizing people for networking,

and I did this by throwing parties.

And if you know one thing about throwing parties,

the more women you have there, the more men want to come in,

spend money at the bar, buy drinks, buy bottles.

So my goal, every time, is to have as many ladies at the party.

This, however, opens the door to always have women around me.

I remember after throwing a party,

three women that do not know each other

say they want to spend the night at my house.

They wake up in the morning,

one begins to feed me breakfast.

The second one gets jealous.

She goes into the kitchen. Grabs food. Comes back. She starts to feed me.

The third one looking like, "This is crazy.

Should I join the party or what?"

I am thinking to myself, "It's all a dream."

But no, it's a reality.

I'm like Hugh Hefner up in my house with the bunnies.

But that reality was short-lived,

as I meet a girl that I am truly in love with,

and she is truly in love with me as well.

But she does not like the lifestyle that I am living.

She does not want to compete with any other woman.

This is a deal breaker for her,

and, of course, it is an odd situation for me

because that means that I am going to have to give up throwing parties

and spending time with other women

so that I can have and keep her.

So I begin to analyse the situation.

What am I going to do?

Who or what should I pick?

Her over them or them over her?

This is my kairos moment.

My moment of decision.

This is where true love and sacrifice come into play.

So I made a decision and a sacrifice

to give up both throwing parties and spending time with other women

so that I can have and keep this girl that I am truly in love with.

A few years later,

we got married and we have two beautiful amazing children together.

You see, true love is the only type of love

that can keep and sustain a relationship.

It will help you to make the ultimate sacrifice,

to give up playing games, quit destructive habits

and seek counselling when you can to acquire tools and knowledge

in order for you to have a healthy relationship.

Because of the love problems that people are having

is the reason why I wrote my book,

"Revelations of Relationship -

What you don't know about finding true love and sustaining relationship."

I want to admonish you all

to find and practice true love in your relationship.

Cheers to your improvement.

(Applause)