060 - The 3 Keys to Influencing Your Spouse

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welcome to the growing in love for life

podcast where it's all about saving and

strengthening your marriage and creating

the relationship you really deserve and

want to have and now from growing in

love for life calm relationship and

marriage coach and best-selling author

your host Liam nated podcast and hello

everyone again it's Liam Maiden join you

once again with some ideas to help you

to save and strengthen your marriage and

what I'm going to be talking about today

is is really an extremely powerful and

important area and that's the area of

influence you know so many people

contact me and say how do I get my

husband or my wife to change their mind

how do i how do i influence them how do

i have some sort of say in what they do

so that they'll want to to stay in our

marriage and how do i influence their

behavior in my end my own behavior to

create a much better relationship

between us and of course i cover these

in great detail in my program but in my

programs rather my seven-day stop your

divorce in my particularly the 30-day

save your marriage relationship

transformation program there has a lot

of this information at in it but there

are really three things that i want to

cover today that get to the very heart

of not only how you influence your

spouse but really how you influence

anybody that you have a relationship

with so the information I'm going to

share could actually apply also to your

business relationships perhaps with your

other staff if you or the people you

work with and other personal

relationships that you have other family

members your friends really these

principles apply to anybody that you

deal with

and so once you know these three then

you'll be able to use them to much more

powerfully create better relationships

with anybody but in particular what I

want to apply them to today is your

marriage and the relationship you have

with your spouse or your partner so

we're going to look at how do you really

influence them in a positive way and how

do you get them to change their mind if

the perhaps they want to leave your


perhaps if they've even gone already how

do you get them want to change your mind

to come back and how do you get them to

want to work positively on relationship

to rebuild it to create it or recreate

it back to where it used to be and to

where it becomes even better so let me

start by asking you a few questions that

you really need to think about before we

go on and that is first one how much

influence do you really have on your

spouse and how successful are you at

getting them to commit to your

relationship and to commit to you in

fact and to working on your relationship

and in fact how much successful are you

and getting them to want to make your

relationship a priority to want to stay

in your marriage or your relationship

now if your answers to these questions

are well not much or even none then I'm

willing to be it it's because the three

things that I'm going to talk about

which are the three keys of influence I

call them these three things are missing

now there's one real basic secret to

influence and I think influence creating

positive influence in your spouse or

anyone else for that matter really comes

down to feet to two things an effect you

really only have two goals when you want

to influence anyone and goal number one

is to make them feel good about you now

that's pretty obvious isn't it that you

can't really influence somebody if they

don't feel good about you they won't

even want to talk to you or consider

your point of view or listen to what you

have to say so yeah your goal is to make

the other person and that's what we're

talking about specifically here is your

spouse or your partner you want them to

make them feel good about you but

there's another goal which isn't quite

so obvious when it comes to influencing

someone and that is you want to make the

other person feel good about themself

and of course it seems obvious when I

mention it isn't it that you think about

your your relationships with other

people when you with somebody who makes

you feel good you're much more open to

them and you're much more likely to want

to spend time around them which of

course is your goal if you want to save

your marriage you have to get your

spouse to want to feel good about you

and feel good about themself so that

they actually want to spend time with

you and they want to stay with you so

again this brings up the questions how

good does your spouse feel about you do

you get the feeling that they enjoy

being around with you or are they really

looking for an excuse not to be around

with be around you in a few marriages

and trouble it's obviously the latter

they don't want to be around you if they

did they wouldn't want to leave and how

good do they feel about themself you

know going through a marriage separation

or through rocky times in a marriage is

pretty stressful but how do they feel

about themselves are they Moody are they

depressed are they uncommunicative are

they unhappy they probably are all of

these things and you probably are as

well so that shows you that your two

goals to make them feel good about

you and to make them feel good about

yourself really are the keys to

influencing your spouse in a positive

way and getting your marriage back on

track okay so what are the three things

the three keys to influencing your

spouse now just before I mention what

they are and you'll see that they're

pretty obvious one one important thing

to remember is that they're not only

things that you must have in your

relationship if you want to influence

your spouse and I've already stressed

that but they're also the fundamentals

the three fundamentals of all great

relationships and if you've listened to

many of the podcasts before you'll know

that one of the things I've done is I've

looked at the difference between great

relationships and relationships that are

struggling or falling apart and these

three keys are present in all great

relationships and they're very strong in

all great relationships and they're not

present in poor relationships or

relationships that are going in the

wrong direction and here's another thing

as well they're things that probably

were in fact I'll be willing to bet they

were in your relationship early on when

things were going well but they're not

there now I also want to remind you of a

point I made earlier that these three

keys aren't complicated in fact you

probably think they're more than obvious

but the point is I'd be willing to be it

even though they're obvious they're not

things that you're doing and that's why

your marriage isn't where you want it to

be now there of course it brings up the

question even when you know something

it's not enough to know it you need to

do it and that can be very difficult and

you'll probably ask yourself when you

hear these things well that's really

difficult to do well I will give you

some ideas on how to do these things but

I'd also encourage you as a member of

the seven-day or the 30-day program to

use the tools that I've created in those

programs that will make it much easier

to apply these ideas in particular refer

back to modules 1 2 & 3 of the 30-day

program and you'll find a lot more


so refer back to those if you're on that

program that will help to make this a

lot easier all right so what are these

what I call the keys of influence and by

the way you need to do these in order so

although I'm meeting them as three they

follow on from each other so start with

number one and your marriage or your

relationship then move on to two and

number three and you don't need to get

it number one perfect before you move on

to number two but you will see they flow

into each other and they do rely on you

laying the foundation with the one

before before you move on to the next

okay hmm

so the key of influence number one the

first key to influencing your spouse in

a positive way is fun you've got to

bring some fun if you want to influence

them if you want to make them feel good

about you and about yourself you need to

have a feeling of fun in your marriage

or your relationship now I know you're

thinking this is difficult when things

are things are all going downhill fast

you're saying how can I have any fun and

my relationship my marriage my husband

doesn't want to be there all we do is

fight all we do is bicker all we all he

does is try to get away from dealing

with me and sorting out our problems in

relation and and issues in our marriage

we'll get to that about how to do it but

let me ask you would you consider that

you your spouse associates you as being

fun which do you think that they think

you're fun to be around

so what maybe used to be you'd say so

what happened to the fun in your


and you know usually what happens in any

marriage or relationship as we start out

and there's lots of fun and things are

good but then life comes along doesn't

it and that throws us all these

pressures and stresses and we find that

more and more of our time is not fun

it's dealing with problems that could be

to be financial problems or issues

things to do with a family you know

children tend to come along most of the

time so we find more and more things

coming in to stop us from having the joy

and the fun and the lightheartedness

that was in our marriage to start with

but the problem is that the lack of fun

is a major reason that people drift

apart and very often you can see that

that's why people begin to have an

affair with somebody else because it's

fun it's the one thing or one of the

three things and we'll talk about the

other two later in this podcast it's one

of those three things that's missing we

people go off with someone else because

it's not fun being with their spouse

with their partner all right now I'm

stating the obvious here and asking what

is fun but really think about it fun is

being light-hearted it's being easy

about things it's having lots of

laughter smiling a lot and not only

smiling and laughing a lot but actually

having reasons to laugh and smile

genuine laughter and smiling so fun that

fun isn't focusing on your problems it's

not fun is it to work through problems

who likes working through problems

nobody it's not being upset it's not

putting pressure on the other person

what fun is that when you're feeling

under pressure it's not judging someone

not judging how they think not judging

everything that they do

when pressure and judgment are there

there's no fun as there

so you can see and perhaps you can think

really clearly about your present

situation that there's probably not a

lot of fun there that there's a lot of

things there that are the opposite of

fun so how do you get fun back because

it's critical I think you can see you

need to have fun all right now I know

it's not easy and I know if you haven't

switched this off already you're

probably thinking this is crazy how can

I be fun have any fun or enjoyment in my

situation now I know it's not easy but

there are things you can do and you must

do to get some fun back into your

relationship because you need to get

your husband associating you with fun I

see all your wife of course it's the

only reason they might want to stay with

you so here's how you do it first of all

you need to take the focus off your

relationship and your problems many

people who are trying to save their

marriage and who are in a stressful

situation with their marriage and it is

stressful but that becomes their focus

they're continually thinking night and

day about how bad things are about the

relationship how they can make it better

how they can fix it why it's going wrong

what's wrong all of those things and I

know that's probably what's brought you

to this podcast that you want to change

your marriage situation you want to

improve it and that's fantastic but you

need to take a lot of the focus away

from your relationship particularly the

negative things take your focus off the

problems quite when and when I say take

your focus off and simply mean stop

thinking about it

really listen to your thoughts really be

aware of how much time you will spend in

worrying stress concern wanting things

to be different trying to figure out how

things can be different

and they're simply not helping most of

the time all those thoughts are not

helping you so just let them go change

your focus think about something else

and I've covered this in many times

before in podcasts about things like

gratitude think about what you can be

grateful for in your life and no matter

where you are listening to this

I'd be willing to bet you probably

better off than 95% of people on the

planet you really are so of course you

have problems but who doesn't everybody

does but you don't want to focus on that

think about the things that are good in

your life and there will be good things

no matter where or who you are so that's

the first thing take the focus off your

relationship and your problems and the

second thing and this is actually not

that difficult to do it's very easy to

do and that is find some things to smile

and laugh about in your life and if you

can't think of anything or find anything

in your real life find something that's

distracting that's entertaining that

makes you feel better the key is how you

feel the better you feel the more chance

you have of saving your marriage and not

only that but of having a great life

because life is all about feeling good

that's why you want to save your

marriage that's why we do what we do

anybody we want to feel good so look for

things that are going to make you feel

good and they can be reading a funny

book you know find a find a humorous

book that you can pick up and read

there's some wonderful comic type books

out there one of my favorites I often

delve into is an Irish novel by Spike

Milligan you might have heard of he's a

great comedian did now of course but you

read this wonderful book called Park

hoon it's a fantastic book makes me

every page will make you laugh and make

you feel good and that's that's what

it's all about you can switch on YouTube

go to the YouTube channel think of a

comedy series or an old comedy film that

they used to like that used to make you

laugh and you're bound to almost

certainly find something on the internet

that you can particularly on YouTube

that you can switch on and just make

yourself laugh

have a good laugh distract yourself you

know people say oh I can't distract

myself I have to focus on my problems

because if I'm not focusing on my

problems how am I going to fix them well

I've said many times this before as well

that whatever you focus on grows and if

you want to focus on your problems

you're just going to keep getting more

problems and I've never really seen

success true success in people solving

problems by focusing more and more on

them with negativity worry concerns

stress your problems you'll be able to

deal with them in a much better way

which problem whatever problems we have

left if you're in a much better state of

mind so and of course obviously when

you're feeling better and you're

light-hearted more light-hearted to be

around your spouse is going to get a

different feeling from you a different

energy there's certainly going to think

I don't feel so bad when I'm around them

because actually they're not focusing on

the pressure and the negativity and all

those things I feel a little bit of fun

perhaps with them and some of these

things maybe you could share a funny

story or a funny new YouTube video or a

quote or something or a picture that you

often find that go viral on the internet

something humorous you might be able to

share it with them if not it doesn't

matter but if you can then it's another

way to add some fun and enjoyment back

into your relationships so this is so

key the whole fun area don't

underestimate it

really figure out ways to make you feel

better on a daily basis because how you

feel is what it's all about

okay key of influence number two the

second way to infants your spouse in a

positive way

after you've dealt with some fun after

you've got some fun back into your own

life and into your relationship as well

the rest of this podcast episode is

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other free episodes from Liam natan

visit Liam Navin com