How to hurt Your Parents Emotionally
How Did Your Parents Mess You Up? | Fiona Douglas | TEDxPuxi
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was there anything that your parents
said or did during your childhood that
you wish they hadn't was there anything
that hurt you that left a scar you can
still feel today perhaps you've come to
forgive your parents for those moments
of weakness because you know they loved
you and did their best or perhaps you're
not sure about their love for you and
you have to live with that uncertainty
every child is at risk of suffering in
this world full of imperfect adults and
childhood scars cut deep shaping our
entire lives I was speaking with Nana my
89 year old grandmother about this talk
and she started crying telling me that
her parents never told her that they
loved her I didn't point out that the
closest she's gotten to saying those
words to me has been a lots of love
scribbled in birthday cards because I
know that she loves me she's just never
felt comfortable expressing those words
that means so much to her even the best
of parents have deficits in their
parenting skills and those deficits
cause children to feel unloved and the
lack of parenting education leads to
unsafe parenting which can cause trauma
and even death in childhood in the u.s.
five children will die today because
they have not received good enough care
from their parents as five children to
many every single day of the
year in just that one country in the UK
it's one or two children every week
child abuse and neglect is not an evil
that can't be prevented it's the form of
unsafe and uneducated parenting in China
the leading cause of death among young
people is suicide
children don't just kill themselves
because of biochemical imbalance more
often it's because they feel unloved
unwanted or unworthy of a place in this
world for too long
parenting skills have been taken for
granted and parenting education has not
been properly established it's time to
invest in widespread parenting education
to prevent trauma and save children's
lives over the past 10 years I've worked
with hundreds of children who have been
abused neglected and traumatized I
started by volunteering as a counselor
for a national children's telephone
helpline in the UK and hearing the cries
and screams of children suffering down
the phone was more than enough to propel
me into making this my career though I
waved goodbye to dreams of working in
her glossy office building as an
undefined business executive and went
back to university to undertake a
Masters in Social Work this
qualification led to me working for
local government which men was often my
duty to take children away from their
parents for their safety and put them
into the care of approved strangers for
children's homes but for the past three
years I've been continuing my Social
Work practice in Shanghai as the
director of a Child and Family Therapy
service
here I don't have the power to take
children away from their parents like I
did in the UK but I do have the
opportunity to lead a team of child
specialists who work with families to
improve parenting skills working in
China has given me much greater insight
into the flaws that exist in the UK's
system of child protection and then one
of the most major issues is that
parenting education services are in very
short supply they're reserved for those
who most need them it's not easy to
figure out who is most in need of this
support I believe that it needs to be
offered to everyone if we care about
keeping every child safe in the UK in
China and all around the world here's
why so let's start by taking a look at
just some of the ways in which parents
mess up their children
you know in reality parenting deficits
are as complex and varied as humans are
your parents had their own unique set of
deficits and now you do too
and that makes spotting the harmful
deficits pretty tricky especially in
today's world in which we've become
exceptionally skilled at projecting a
perfectly filtered image of our lives on
WeChat Facebook Instagram Twitter though
many social media platforms because what
these projections don't show is the
truth like the fact that we struggled to
pay attention to anything other than
smart devices this is Kyra at 7 years
old and the truth behind this photo is
that Kyra didn't make it to her eighth
birthday because she died of
malnutrition some of you might presume
that Kyra is from a developing country
where children starving to death is a
common occurrence in fact Kyra was born
and raised in the UK one of the
wealthiest countries in the world you
might now be thinking that Kyra must
have been from a family with little to
no money unable to put food on the table
this was not the case
Kyra lived in a household with enough
money and when she died there was a bowl
of fruit on the table and cupboards full
of food in the kitchen in fact the only
thing standing in the way of her
survival was her parent her mum who was
overweight and unhappy about it Kyra's
mum was on a diet and she enforced those
food restrictions on her daughter
purposefully using this as a cruel form
of discipline with fatal consequences
but it doesn't have to be this way you
know I've worked with many families and
very similar situations and through
intensive parenting training my
colleagues and I have successfully
helped them to change their eating and
discipline habits as parents any of our
inner struggles with food anger stress
perfectionism can hurt our children and
further education about our child's
needs can help us prioritize them but I
am worried that we're becoming so
addicted to smart devices that were
becoming more and more blind to our own
inner struggles and the inner struggles
of our loved ones too as parents for
example it's very easy to become blind
to the impact of the pressure the fear
of failure that our children feel a few
months ago I was reading a news article
about an 18 year old boy called Xiao fan
from drum Sioux province he'd recently
taken the Galco exam both of his parents
had good jobs which required them to
stay in Beijing so they frantically
called him on results day desperate to
know his score so he told them he scored
470 a brilliant score that would secure
him a place a top university his parents
were so happy and at the end of the
summer they came home to see him and
celebrate those celebrations never
happened because shall fan killed
himself the truth was he only scored 170
he had lived with the shame and guilt of
his failure all summer and he couldn't
face the consequences of his parents
finding out the truth his pair
put pressure on him because they wanted
him to have the best life and the result
was no life at all they loved him but
did they ever tune in to the depth of
his fears and the weight of the pressure
he was putting on himself did they even
realize before it was too late that
they're consistent expressions of love
warmth and support mattered more than
anything in the UK because many parents
are blind their own deficits we've
created professional roles like mine
focused on spotting those deficits for
them ideally before it's too late
this is baby Peter from London he was
just 17 months old when he was killed by
his mum's boyfriend after suffering
eight months of beatings while his mum
stood by this all happened despite Peter
being on an official local government
child protection plan and being seen by
professionals 60 times within that time
period the trained professionals only
saw his mum being good to him and they
believed her lies the truth is that our
parenting is always a reflection of our
best self and our worst self in some
ways Peters mum was a good parent but
she hid her harmful deficits from the
world you know I've worked with so many
parents like her and every time no
matter how criminal or horrendous their
actions have been I've seen their love
and heartbreak just such little
expression of it so in summary we know
three things
and they are number one it's very hard
to distinguish between abusive and non
abusive parents as a social worker
myself I can testify that it's
impossible to know which parents are
being honest and which aren't and I've
found that I cannot reliably predict
which parents will go on to harm their
children tomorrow and which won't
many parents are blind to their own
deficits and no professional can ever
really know what's going on behind
closed doors because we only see what
you see a filtered image number two
systemically removing children from
every parent there is ever a suspicion
or concern about would constitute a
violation of human rights and is not a
solution we already have over 70,000
children currently living in government
care in the UK and most of them are not
having a good time
and number three parents are people with
the potential to learn new skills no one
imagines being a parent who will hurt or
hate their child but it happens and if
being a parent is one of the toughest
and riskiest roles that we can take on
in society then why don't we receive any
education or training about how to do
the job well the current lack of
parenting education leads to unsafe
parenting so who thinks there's time for
parents to go back to school thank you
[Applause]
research shows that for children of any
age parenting that is warm sensitive and
supportive provides the greatest chance
of a child developing strong academic
abilities good social skills and
emotional resilience it's the quality of
the relationship between
the parent and child that matters so
parents need to be educated about how to
discipline and communicate with their
child without fracturing that
relationship this means that as a parent
you can give yourself permission to
express so much more love and praise
than disappointment and there are
strategies you can learn that will help
you to discipline out of love and logic
rather than anger and frustration for
government agencies this is a call to
research and implement systems for
parenting education the World Health
Organization says that parent guidance
programs are proven to reduce violence
and significantly improve parenting
skills leading to less behavioral
problems in the child and better mental
health for their parents who likes the
sound of math through investing in the
development of everyone's parenting
skills more children will survive and
thrive and less children will go on to
become unstable adults addicted to
violence drugs and alcohol China already
has a progressive new family violence
law in place and its success depends on
a system of parenting education and when
you think about it isn't it reasonable
to ask for at least the same level of
systematic teaching a measuring of
competence for parents as there is for
drivers on the road for businesses
service providers and NGOs in this
sector
I recommend view to provide parent
training programs there is a need and a
demand just like there is for birthing
classes and yoga with goats parenting
skills need to be modeled learnt and
developed over time with support
feedback and guidance I see and hear
first
and everyday parents in China seeking
information and training about how to be
a better parent and struggling to find a
class whether you're a parent or not
you're someone's child so I challenge
you today to take a step outside of your
comfort zone and express more love or
praise than you've ever done before to
your child your parent or grandparent
your partner or yourself whoever you
target will have an inner child who
needs this just like my Nana and it's
never too late to start leading a more
fulfilling family life a safe and secure
childhood starts with educated parenting
this is a call to action to take
collective responsibility for providing
the education and resources needed for
every parent and child to have the best
possible chance at family life thank you
you
