How to hug A Teenage Porcupine
Dr. John Lund Is Your Child A Porcupine. Are They Impossible To Please
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hi I'm dr. John London of how to hug a
porcupine now we talked about a mile
work a pine last time and tonight or
today we're going to be talking about
little porcupines now I mentioned that
sometimes we either married our biggest
tests in this life or we give birth to
it now as a husband or a wife let's talk
about what you do with a little
porcupine that is with a child that
seems to be impossible to please no
matter what you do to begin with in
defining our little porcupine here as an
impossible to please person you have to
come to a point where you recognize that
you're not going to meet all of their
expectations and that you have to learn
to redefine from being a pleasing person
that is I'm going to act in such a way
this person will be pleased and we're
coming back to that fundamental
principle that all frustration comes
from unmet expectation I need to change
my expectation my expectation is going
to change from I'm gonna please this
child to I'm going to do what I believe
is in the best interest of that child
I will help that child become their
highest and best self now this applies
also to adult children these are married
children that are living out of your
home but may be coming back and and want
to transfer responsibility for their
failures to you because you are
inadequate as a parent and who want to
transfer that back well I have a
recommendation for all of you that feel
that you have one of these toxic adult
children and that is that you go to them
and you say boy I made a lot of mistakes
with you and I'd like to ask you to
forgive me for all the mistakes that I
made in raising you and you just do that
transfer the responsibility for that and
then let go of it because if you will
allow yourself to be manipulated by the
fact that you are an imperfect parent
then they will manipulate you because
it's hard for them to escape their own
selfishness and their own selfish
desires so we're looking at here is
having a point of view where you say I
will love you to your highest and best
self but I'm not going to help you one
inch to hell not one inch if you want to
go there that's a solo journey because
I'm not going to help you become your
worst self so you think about that as a
as a value as a standard
and then the decision is not how can I
help live my life in such a way to
please this child it's going to be how
can I act in such a way a responsible
way to help this person become this
child to become their highest and best
self so if they ask for money it's not
always appropriate to give them money
just because they ask for it and if they
want a blackmail you by saying well if
you don't give me what I want then I'll
never come around again or I'll never do
this or never do that then you have to
let that be a decision that they're
going to make but for you if you don't
want to buy into a blackmail scheme
emotional blackmail then you have to
change your expectation of saying
instead of I'm going to please this
child I'm going to act in a responsible
way so that I can feel good about myself
when this is all done and so that
becomes a fundamental thing to deal with
all toxic people and all porcupines you
change the expectation from pleasing
them to acting responsibly as a person
and maybe the only person you'll please
is yourself but that's where that begins
