hold

Anthony Jeselnik Will Drop Your Baby | Netflix Is A Joke



Sharing buttons:

- All right guys, listen.

Jokes are all well and good.

I'd like to take a couple minutes right now

and talk about something that is important to me.

And I will preface this by saying

there's a lot of people right now who

say that standup comedians should just

stick to comedy and not talk about anything else.

I disagree.

I think that standup comedy doesn't always have to be funny.

Standup comedy doesn't always have to be entertaining.

Sometimes it's about speaking truth to power.

Sometimes it's about pointing out wrongs in the world

even though it might not be popular.

So please, indulge me.

With all the terrible things going on in America right now,

and you know exactly what I'm fucking talking about.

(audience laughing)

With all the terrible things going on

in this country right now,

the thing that drives me the most crazy

are the people who see all this awful stuff happening

and they still flip out over the little things.

My biggest pet peeve in America today,

are people who see all this horrible stuff going on

and yet they still overreact to shit

that just does not matter.

For example,

have you ever dropped a baby?

(audience laughing and applauding)

Holy shit do people overreact.

(audience laughing and applauding)

You drop a baby in America today, I swear,

people hit the roof before the baby even touches the floor.

(audience laughing and applauding)

And it's not a big deal.

How do I know?

(audience laughing)

Because I do it all the time.

(audience laughing)

In fact, I don't think I've ever held a baby

to completion.

(audience laughing and applauding)

And you might be thinking, Anthony,

how could you drop a baby?

You ever held a baby? (audience laughing)

How could you not? (audience laughing)

It's so easy. (audience laughing)

It's a two-step process, (audience laughing)

maybe less. (audience laughing)

Should you ask Anthony,

why would anyone ever let you hold their baby?

The answer is simple,

negligence. (audience laughing)

I love it, it's a hobby. (audience laughing)

The only negative, the only drawback

as far as I'm concerned, the embarrassment.

People try to shame you when you drop their baby

(audience laughing)

even though I almost always make it look like an accident.

(audience laughing)

That's why this is so great.

You ever do this?

You ever drop a baby (audience laughing)

and then scoop it right back up before anybody sees you?

(audience laughing)

No shit, best feeling in the world.

(audience laughing)

You just hand the baby back and no one is the wiser.

(audience laughing)

Especially not that baby. (audience laughing)

Happened to me just last weekend.

I was at a party.

One of my friends came up and said,

"Anthony, I gotta go to the bathroom.

"Will you hold my baby?" (audience laughing)

And I tell the truth.

I'm always 100% honest.

I say, yeah,

for a little bit. (audience laughing)

Held that baby 30, 45 seconds,

a personal best. (audience laughing)

Dropped the baby.

Scooped it right back up before anybody saw me.

And it was close, too. (audience laughing)

I had to run down three flights of stairs.

(audience laughing and applauding)