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Advice on Divorce - How to Have an Amicable Divorce



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today's video is all about advice on

divorce and how to have an amicable

divorce and maybe even better than that

how to have a happy divorce welcome back

to completely Karen I am Karen and I am

your life and money mindset coach and

today I really felt like I wanted to

make a video about advice on divorce I

wanted to make this video for a couple

of reasons the first reason is because I

recognize that divorce is a huge part of

society and it has been for a really

long time it's not like this is

something new but because so many people

experience this in their relationships I

feel like there are some good ways to go

about it and I have a really good

amicable divorce I feel like I am pretty

good friends with my ex and I feel like

there's a way that you can do that and

I'm going to offer you three pieces of

advice that have helped me in this

ongoing relationship that I have with my

ex through our divorce and as we

continue to raise our children together

so let's jump into my three pieces of

advice so my first piece of advice is

for those of you who are separated who

are going through a divorce right now

who are thinking of going through a

divorce or maybe you are actually

already divorced this piece of advice

can work for you also wherever you're at

in your relationship the advice that I

want to offer you is that you need to

decide what kind of a divorce you want I

know that sounds stupid and crazy but

it's really not it's so true as many of

you know I am a life coach and I love

mindset it is my passion is what I've

been studying for years and I will

continue to study it and I will continue

to use it and to grow and to help other

people recognize their own brains and

how their brains work it's amazing

what our brains can do and if there's

one thing that I know for sure

these amazing brains that we have in our

heads it is that we are 100% in charge

of our thoughts and our emotions 100%

whatever belief we have that is a

thought that we tell ourselves over and

over and over and we can change them if

we want or we can keep the ones that we

keep believing it's up to us so if you

decide that you want to have a good

divorce where you're friends with your

ex where you work together as parents

you can have that it's something that

you can decide when I came to the

decision that I wanted to divorce I knew

two things I knew what I didn't want

I knew what I did want that sounds so

silly but let me explain I knew I didn't

want the typical divorce where there is

pain and anger and hurt and where you

don't ever talk to your ex and if you do

all you do is fight and so you have to

let the kids talk for you and you create

a rift and it's terrible for everyone

involved it's already going to be

terrible right it's already going to be

hard and her feelings and emotionally

draining for everyone involved so I knew

that I didn't want to pile the other

things on top of that the anger and the

frustration and the hatred I didn't want

that I knew that what I wanted was

compassion and peace and a commitment as

parents to our children

I wanted this feeling of togetherness

even though we weren't going to be

together anymore I didn't know if that

was possible but I knew that's what I

wanted and I decided that was what I

wanted so when I went to my husband at

the time and I told him this was the

kind of divorce I wanted he was amazing

and was totally on board and I remember

back in the day I don't even remember

how many years ago this was but I

remembered reading a story about

wouldn't Paltrow and her then husband at

the time Chris Martin and when they were

getting divorced they called their

divorce a conscious uncoupling and I

remember

that word those words and I thought

that's what I want because I remembered

in this article that I read about their

conscious uncoupling that they were

committed as parents they were friends

and they worked together to raise their

children even though they weren't

married anymore and that is what I

wanted so I did a little bit of research

and I found out that there's actually a

book called conscious uncoupling by

Kathryn

Woodward Thomas hope I got that right

where she kind of guides you through

this idea that you can have a happy

divorce you can have an amicable divorce

you can work together as a partnership

even though it's a hard thing to go

through no I don't want you to get me

wrong here we weren't happy we weren't

like elated that we were getting

divorced no but what we were doing was

we were leaning into those feelings

recognizing that we were going to still

be mourning and I'm saying we because my

ex was very great and he is very great

and really leaned into this with me

but I truly believe that even if you are

the only part of the partnership that

wants this kind of divorce it's still

possible to have a conscious uncoupling

and to have an amicable divorce even if

you're the only one who's willing to

take the steps okay it all has to do

with your thoughts and your emotions

behind it so my first piece of advice

again to reiterate is you need to decide

what kind of divorce you want my next

piece of advice is you need to learn to

communicate with your ex I'm gonna go

off of some assumptions here because I

don't know every single person watching

this video but i can assume things based

off of my own experience and i'm going

to assume that maybe one of the reasons

you are getting a divorce is because

communication is lacking in the

relationship I know that was very true

for me and my ex and

we'll say we communicate so much better

now that we're divorced because we have

made a commitment that we are going to

raise our children together as a family

unit even though we are not living

together any longer but I have decided

that I am going to communicate in a more

realistic and better way a more truthful

and a wholehearted way this is something

I'm still learning to do I'm still

learning to do it in my current

relationship I'm still learning to do it

with my children and I'm still learning

to do with my ex but I am a million

times better now than I was three years

ago five years ago ten years ago it's

going to take practice and the thing

that I have chosen to do to get better

at communication is I have decided that

I'm going to be honest in my thoughts

and my feelings so if there's something

that's going on and I'm not 100% onboard

or I'm feeling anxious about it or

whatever I'm going to let my ex know

that I don't necessarily feel the same

way he does because previously I used to

just hold those feelings in and I would

just go along with whatever and then I

would get super mad that like it wasn't

going my way it's because I wasn't being

honest and authentic to me and so I've

made that choice and it has changed the

way I communicate so much more now again

I'm still learning this I'm still

getting good at this it's not something

that I've mastered yet but I am way

better than I was because I've made a

commitment to myself to do this and it

really helps with the communication

between my ex and I so what I have also

decided to do to help me with my

communication is be open to learning new

ways of parenting and be open to being

authentic to myself so for example when

the kids are with him I have had to

learn to let go of that control because

when the kids are with him he's the

parent and he gets to decide how to

parent that works for him right and it's

the same goes for when the kids are with

me I get to parent

way that I feel is best and that

represents me and is authentic to me I

can't control what he does but he's the

parent and I have to trust that he is

doing it in his best most authentic way

and the same goes for him for me in

fourth but I have to say this trust and

this ability to open my mind and

recognize that he is doing it the best

way that's for him and most authentic to

him has opened my eyes to so much in the

way of communication and allowing things

to be how they are supposed to be it's

made a world of difference in our

relationship and in our parenting and in

the kids lives and in being able to

trust in a way that I don't know that I

ever was able to while we were married

my final piece of advice is forgive

yourself again this is like my

communication one it's something that I

continue to work on because divorce is

filled with hurt and regret and thinking

am i doing it wrong and did I ruin my

kids lives did I ruin my life what about

this what if I had made a different

choice what if I had tried harder all of

these things go along with divorce they

are a part of it they are a part of the

mourning process they are a part of

trying to move forward

they're a part of it and if you allow

yourself to go down that rabbit hole you

will just spin and spin and spin and

sometimes it's really hard to dig

yourself out so again I made a

commitment to myself that I was going to

forgive myself that I was going to trust

that I'm doing what's right for me in my

life what I'm learning is that I get to

forgive myself basically what happens is

my brain will take me down this rabbit

hole right does it every so often but I

am having a much easier time recognizing

that I'm there first of all and then I

get to decide okay yes I'm having these

feelings of regret I'm having thoughts

of did I do it wrong or whatever the

thought is that goes along with that

regret or that guilt I recognize the

thoughts so much faster

I recognize the emotion and then I get

to decide do I want to feel this do I

want to lean into this emotion

just know that it's a part of my moving

forward process or do I want to just

move forward do I want to just forgive

myself and move on I get to choose maybe

there's a day where I'm like I do kind

of want to feel like this today and I'm

gonna lean into it and I'm just gonna

allow myself to feel it or maybe there's

a day where I'm like you know what I

really don't want to feel this today I

know that I made the right choice and

I'm going to forgive myself of my past

mistakes and I'm gonna move forward the

point here is that I get to choose and

when I forgive myself I feel so much

better about Who I am as a person and

being authentic to me there is this

amazing Hawaiian prayer and I'm going to

attempt to say it I'm probably gonna say

it wrong so here's my in advance apology

to everyone out there who knows how to

say this

and is great at it just know that I'm

not great at saying it I'm going to try

it is the Hawaiian prayer hope hope oh

no no I'm sorry oh oh bow oh no no no

Popo nope Oh No

that was a lot of attempts so again I

apologize when I said it wrong and

probably they were all probably wrong

but the point is it is this Hawaiian

prayer and it's beautiful and amazing

and every time I repeat this in my life

when I am really feeling like I want

some peace and some forgiveness I go to

this prayer and what you do is you think

about an experience that you've had with

yourself where you're feeling regret or

pain or guilt or anything like that and

you say I forgive you and I'm sorry and

I thank you and I love you and you can

direct this toward someone else if you

want but in this particular case when I

think of this wine prayer I am doing it

for myself I am putting myself in that

position of the feeling the guilt and

feeling the regret and the remorse and I

am offering those words to myself

because I forgive myself and I'm sorry

that I made those mistakes but I'm

willing to learn from them and I love

myself

and I thank myself for being willing to

learn and move forward all of those

things are amazing and they can do

amazing wonders for you in your life too

if you will just allow it

so again my third piece of advice is

forgive yourself divorce is so often

messy and belittling and angry and

frustrating and so many of these

emotions because of the thoughts that we

have about it it really doesn't have to

be that way it really doesn't you can

choose the type of divorce that you want

the feelings that you want to feel you

get to decide I hope that I've been able

to convey my feelings about this and I

really truly hope that this advice helps

even one person out there if you know

somebody who needs to hear or see this

video please feel free to share it with

them I think that this is really

important so many people go through a

divorce and it's a huge part of my life

it's a huge part of my children's lives

it's a huge part of my ex's life because

we are raising our children together we

have a relationship together as a family

unit even though we aren't living in the

same house even though we aren't married

anymore we are still a family unit and

it is really truly possible to have a

good divorce to have a happy divorce you

get to decide if you have any questions

about anything that I've talked about in

this video feel free to reach out to me

you can email me at Karen at Karen

Nelson coaching comm and I will answer

any of your questions and again feel

free to share this video with anybody

who you think might need a little bit of

this advice I appreciate you guys being

here thank you so much for watching make

sure and subscribe if you want more

videos like this and I will see you next

time on a completely Karen

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