How to get rid of a
Bad Relationship
When to Quit on Someone (or Leave a Bad Relationship!)
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this was a difficult episode but we're
gonna approach a question that I'm asked
like all the time and that is Brendan
when do I know when it's time to quit on
somebody you know often these comments
it's someone's asking that because
they're in a relationship and they don't
know is it time to break up or they've
hired somebody and they've given them
them four or five tries at work in there
they're not performing how many chances
do you give another person before you
say hey look this isn't working whether
it's in relationship or at work or
someone you're mentoring that's a
difficult discussion so today we're
going to get into I'm going to do some
five ideas about how to think through
all of that and we'll go in some
difficult areas of life that we all face
in the real world of our relationships
and so I'm going to hit you right off
the bat with a difficult one but it's
really at the heart of many questions I
do receive online you know now after
what I don't fifty million video views
on you know YouTube and our websites in
this last year you know millions and
millions of downloads of our podcasts
the charge life you know all our blogs
and everything else I get a lot of
difficult questions and and often
there's a story with them and it's led
to this first piece of advice I have the
time to quit on somebody hands down is
harsh if my sounds is straightforward
and honest and that's when there's any
abuse when there's abuse in a
relationship you quit period you owe no
loyalty to abusive people period that's
the time you got to get out and that's
where a lot of these questions come from
you know there's a lot of domestic
violence in the world there's a lot of
you know women who are treated very very
poorly and often physically beaten up by
their husbands by their partners or
spouses their lovers and it's a bad bad
deal
and often these women or these folks are
being abused do not get the
straightforward answer and the
straightforward answer is if you're
being abused physically quit period
leave that person get out of that
relationship get somewhere safe go to
your parents house
if they're safe go to friend's house but
you need to exit not a month from now
not three months from now it needs to be
immediate then it needs to be swift and
it has to be with bold precision you
need to plan it and do it and you need
to do it sooner than later and that's so
hard to tell people because you know we
have this often misaligned thought in
our head about loyalty well if I leave
this person then you know I'll never be
loved or if I leave this person it's
unfair to them because they hung out
with me and I'm a you know piece of crap
we we make up these stories to validate
people's injustice to us sometimes and
at an abuse level we can't do that
and I know your hearts in the same place
as mine in hearing this and it's
difficult to do but you have to do it if
anyone is being verbally or physically
abusive with you on a consistent basis
get out and you don't need to wait for
consistency over a year or two or three
you're talking about one or two times
and you got to go you have to remember
there's seven billion people on the
planet there's going to be someone who's
going to treat you better there's going
to be somebody who you can trust there's
going to be somebody who you know might
not come into your life until you create
the white space of getting rid of the
the bad folks so the good folks can come
in again and it's necessary and I hope
you just hear me if you're in a abusive
situation please leave sooner than later
it's always going to be the better
decision to leave sooner than later plan
it out find that place of support and go
now not everybody who asked me this
question is coming from that dire of a
situation and so I'll continue on from
there but I just want to be honest and
serious with it there's a lot of people
a lot of organizations to help with that
if you are in that situation please look
up a domestic abuse center around you
look up some help and support online or
get it from family or friends but for
your own sanity your own safety and
those around you
get out of that situation number two is
let's take it from a different
perspective now assuming we've handled
the abuse thing let's talk about
everyday relationships where that's not
there
but you're like I don't know should I
stay or should I not one Nicator is
after you've had repeated failed
discussions with somebody that means
first and foremost we're assuming you've
had the discussion with somebody you've
told them what you think what you feel
what you desire what you want in life
and you've done it more than once
because a lot of people they just they
they never share with someone until that
you know internally they built up so
much hate and anger and bitterness they
explode on the person and then they walk
out and the other person never even knew
what was going on you need to give time
for people to adjust and it usually
doesn't happen after one request there
has to be repeated discussions not just
repeated requests here's what I mean a
lot of people when they're in a
relationship and something goes wrong
they say I don't like that do ABC and
they just demand from the other person
expected the person's gonna change but
then I'll ask the person how they feel
and what they think and what they want
and what they desire what their actions
are and relationships aren't like you're
over here and over there
relationships are like this you're
connected and so you have to understand
each other in whole and so a discussion
means honey I'd like to talk about
what's been going on and I know we're
both frustrated and we both know it
could be better and in this situation I
saw this and I felt that way could we
talk about that what did you see what
did you feel what would you like to
happen here's what I like to happen can
we make an agreement on this it's a
discussion and you just can't bail on
somebody if there's never been a
discussion about your truth if there's
never been a request about what you need
and if you've never opened your ears to
what their truth is and what their
request is too many people follow this
train of weird psycho sort of analysis
super crazy positivity we're in the
world today where one says well you know
uh it's just like if you're around
negative people just bail on them just
find some find somebody new and I'm like
actually if it's a real meaningful
relationship and there's no abuse but
they're just misunderstanding all the
time when you have this place of
misunderstanding all the time first
begin through dialog to try and fix it
you can't bail on all your family
members or bail on all your friends or
anybody who in convening
euro upsets you or thinks differently
than you the world is full of people who
think differently than you so don't bail
on every person or every conversation
that you don't like just because it's
uncomfortable instead open up dialogue
and have real discussions and if if
you've had multiple real discussions
made multiple real requests and the
person is just not engaging the
conversation anymore they're
stonewalling you're in a difficult place
that might be the time to consider
either getting support externally seeing
a therapist together or it's done and if
you need some advice or guidance on this
I would recommend that you read a book
called the 7 principles for making
marriage work by John Gottman I'm not
endorsing everything that the person
does this is not something I'm sponsored
or paid to recommend that I think it
gives people some basic premises of
understanding what science is proven
about great relationships and really bad
ones what leads to a long-term healthy
marriage and what leads to immediate
divorce like you should know these
things so so read the book and also just
realize you're going to have to have
those discussions it's going to have to
be honest and real and people are gonna
start to be opening otherwise if you got
someone who stonewalling all the time if
you can't get through them to have a
discussion about the challenges and
issues at hand that things Ahn's way out
I think the third big thing is repeated
neglect repeated neglect if you're in a
relationship and someone just never
takes care of you if they neglect your
requests if they neglect your feelings
if they neglect your reality if they
just never take care of you that's not a
relationship that's not a friendship if
you're if somebody at work keeps
neglecting to do the job that you've
given them right that's a violation to
and when you see that over and over and
someone just neglects your requests
neglects the job neglects the
responsibilities to you your family your
kid your team and they're always in this
repeated neglect and you made the
request you tried the course-correct
you've given the feedback that's that
three strikes and you're out baby
period I'm telling you too many people
that neglect
happen for too many years and now it's a
decade of a bad marriage where they
never listened a decade of a team member
who never contributed the team and
that's just causing hardship on
everybody and there's no reason
let them go find a place where they want
to engage if they're not engaging in
your relationship or on your team
sayanora three-strikes-you're-out next
up I know this is you're like boy this
is really motivating Brennan here we
think for like the dancing bears to
appear soon but this is our topic and
that's what we always take on the charge
life that's why I talk about fear and
disappointment and honoring the struggle
because this is real life right this
one's important after repeated lies
there's one thing called neglect where
someone just doesn't do what they're
supposed to do doesn't take care of you
is inattentive and then there's outright
bold lying where people just keep lying
over and over and over you give feedback
you catch them you ask for the change
they say well a change they don't they
promise they'll not do this but they do
and soon as this happens over and over
and over look it shouldn't take a
thousand repeated lies for you to get
the hint that you're dealing with a liar
period that's part of who they are in
that relationship in that situation or
in that segment of life that they are in
and you know what sometimes the best
thing you can do with a liar is cut them
free so they realize oh my gosh there's
real consequences for my line so that
they can go out and about find their own
truths in life so they can go out and
about see the wreckage that they're
creating so they can just get away
discern something and maybe then they
can come back but if someone's always
lying I'm telling you you're not a truth
caster you're not going to shift them by
sheer hope nor will and so please
understand if you're dealing with
someone who's repeatedly lying that's a
time to protect yourself you don't need
to be around that and there's lots of
other people who are supportive out in
the world that will surprise you with
their honesty and their vulnerability in
their generosity the world is full of
majority extraordinarily great capable
caring empathetic people the world is
not as full of narcissists and
sociopaths as television would think
have you think and so you have to say
most of the world's pretty good I'm
dealing with maybe somebody there not a
bad apple all the time but maybe in this
situation or this little season of their
life they are and you don't need to be
in that season you know that's why
sometimes in relationships you know what
you're not a friend with somebody for a
while and then they come around three
four five years ago later and you and
you see they change they're they're more
honest and they transformed that's great
but you don't have to be along the
journey of every step of their
transformation to become an honest
person and so that's one time you might
be thinking about cutting that person
loose and then last and I know you know
this and this is the number one reason
people quit jobs is because of no
appreciation if you've been in a
relationship long enough and you said
hey look I don't feel appreciated and
they don't respect you they don't
appreciate what you do the cooking the
dinner they don't appreciate who you are
the love and the heart and the hard work
they don't appreciate what you're giving
at work and you're just around a place
where there's never any gratitude and
never any respect appreciation of you is
an individual contributor as an
individual person but also appreciation
for your efforts then it's like okay I'm
just not appreciated here let me go
somewhere where I will be appreciated
not just so you can have validation
because the ego says I want lots of
people to give me you standing ovations
but rather because you know what if
you're really giving and you can be
honest about it you're giving from a
place of true service not from a place
that just says I want to be recognized
and I want to be validated and I want to
get rewards but a place of like this is
look I'm really giving here
I'm really putting effort in I'm really
trying I'm really being honest and
serving and they don't appreciate it
with either some type of
acknowledgement/recognition reward
kindness opening doors for you something
paying you more whatever if you're just
not getting that and you asked for you
tell them say hey I feel like I'm doing
all these things when I'm not feeling
appreciated what else can we do here and
you have those multiple discussions but
ultimately those
it's fall apart but ultimately they lie
to you but ultimately they continue to
neglect your needs then it is time to
move on my friend have heart the world
is full of so many extraordinary people
if you're surrounded by a bunch who
aren't that way then it's time to find a
new environment it's time to build that
which you're lacking if you're lacking a
positive environment go create a
positive environment and start letting
go of those who just will never come
around or who are in a bad season in a
life because you don't have to be there
for everybody what you have to be there
for ultimately is your life you those
who are responsible for that you care
for but at the end of the day if they
are abusive or they're lacking in all
these areas we've talked about time to
take that hint time to realize it's time
to move on let them go doesn't mean that
they can't change maybe come back but
your job is not to usher everybody
through to perfection in life the
world's full of great people believe
that trust that connect with them again
create that white space of freedom so
good people can come back into your life
again and you experience what we call
the charged life
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until I see you next time go out there
every single day of your life live fully
love openly and make your difference
today
