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When to Quit on Someone (or Leave a Bad Relationship!)



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this was a difficult episode but we're

gonna approach a question that I'm asked

like all the time and that is Brendan

when do I know when it's time to quit on

somebody you know often these comments

it's someone's asking that because

they're in a relationship and they don't

know is it time to break up or they've

hired somebody and they've given them

them four or five tries at work in there

they're not performing how many chances

do you give another person before you

say hey look this isn't working whether

it's in relationship or at work or

someone you're mentoring that's a

difficult discussion so today we're

going to get into I'm going to do some

five ideas about how to think through

all of that and we'll go in some

difficult areas of life that we all face

in the real world of our relationships

and so I'm going to hit you right off

the bat with a difficult one but it's

really at the heart of many questions I

do receive online you know now after

what I don't fifty million video views

on you know YouTube and our websites in

this last year you know millions and

millions of downloads of our podcasts

the charge life you know all our blogs

and everything else I get a lot of

difficult questions and and often

there's a story with them and it's led

to this first piece of advice I have the

time to quit on somebody hands down is

harsh if my sounds is straightforward

and honest and that's when there's any

abuse when there's abuse in a

relationship you quit period you owe no

loyalty to abusive people period that's

the time you got to get out and that's

where a lot of these questions come from

you know there's a lot of domestic

violence in the world there's a lot of

you know women who are treated very very

poorly and often physically beaten up by

their husbands by their partners or

spouses their lovers and it's a bad bad

deal

and often these women or these folks are

being abused do not get the

straightforward answer and the

straightforward answer is if you're

being abused physically quit period

leave that person get out of that

relationship get somewhere safe go to

your parents house

if they're safe go to friend's house but

you need to exit not a month from now

not three months from now it needs to be

immediate then it needs to be swift and

it has to be with bold precision you

need to plan it and do it and you need

to do it sooner than later and that's so

hard to tell people because you know we

have this often misaligned thought in

our head about loyalty well if I leave

this person then you know I'll never be

loved or if I leave this person it's

unfair to them because they hung out

with me and I'm a you know piece of crap

we we make up these stories to validate

people's injustice to us sometimes and

at an abuse level we can't do that

and I know your hearts in the same place

as mine in hearing this and it's

difficult to do but you have to do it if

anyone is being verbally or physically

abusive with you on a consistent basis

get out and you don't need to wait for

consistency over a year or two or three

you're talking about one or two times

and you got to go you have to remember

there's seven billion people on the

planet there's going to be someone who's

going to treat you better there's going

to be somebody who you can trust there's

going to be somebody who you know might

not come into your life until you create

the white space of getting rid of the

the bad folks so the good folks can come

in again and it's necessary and I hope

you just hear me if you're in a abusive

situation please leave sooner than later

it's always going to be the better

decision to leave sooner than later plan

it out find that place of support and go

now not everybody who asked me this

question is coming from that dire of a

situation and so I'll continue on from

there but I just want to be honest and

serious with it there's a lot of people

a lot of organizations to help with that

if you are in that situation please look

up a domestic abuse center around you

look up some help and support online or

get it from family or friends but for

your own sanity your own safety and

those around you

get out of that situation number two is

let's take it from a different

perspective now assuming we've handled

the abuse thing let's talk about

everyday relationships where that's not

there

but you're like I don't know should I

stay or should I not one Nicator is

after you've had repeated failed

discussions with somebody that means

first and foremost we're assuming you've

had the discussion with somebody you've

told them what you think what you feel

what you desire what you want in life

and you've done it more than once

because a lot of people they just they

they never share with someone until that

you know internally they built up so

much hate and anger and bitterness they

explode on the person and then they walk

out and the other person never even knew

what was going on you need to give time

for people to adjust and it usually

doesn't happen after one request there

has to be repeated discussions not just

repeated requests here's what I mean a

lot of people when they're in a

relationship and something goes wrong

they say I don't like that do ABC and

they just demand from the other person

expected the person's gonna change but

then I'll ask the person how they feel

and what they think and what they want

and what they desire what their actions

are and relationships aren't like you're

over here and over there

relationships are like this you're

connected and so you have to understand

each other in whole and so a discussion

means honey I'd like to talk about

what's been going on and I know we're

both frustrated and we both know it

could be better and in this situation I

saw this and I felt that way could we

talk about that what did you see what

did you feel what would you like to

happen here's what I like to happen can

we make an agreement on this it's a

discussion and you just can't bail on

somebody if there's never been a

discussion about your truth if there's

never been a request about what you need

and if you've never opened your ears to

what their truth is and what their

request is too many people follow this

train of weird psycho sort of analysis

super crazy positivity we're in the

world today where one says well you know

uh it's just like if you're around

negative people just bail on them just

find some find somebody new and I'm like

actually if it's a real meaningful

relationship and there's no abuse but

they're just misunderstanding all the

time when you have this place of

misunderstanding all the time first

begin through dialog to try and fix it

you can't bail on all your family

members or bail on all your friends or

anybody who in convening

euro upsets you or thinks differently

than you the world is full of people who

think differently than you so don't bail

on every person or every conversation

that you don't like just because it's

uncomfortable instead open up dialogue

and have real discussions and if if

you've had multiple real discussions

made multiple real requests and the

person is just not engaging the

conversation anymore they're

stonewalling you're in a difficult place

that might be the time to consider

either getting support externally seeing

a therapist together or it's done and if

you need some advice or guidance on this

I would recommend that you read a book

called the 7 principles for making

marriage work by John Gottman I'm not

endorsing everything that the person

does this is not something I'm sponsored

or paid to recommend that I think it

gives people some basic premises of

understanding what science is proven

about great relationships and really bad

ones what leads to a long-term healthy

marriage and what leads to immediate

divorce like you should know these

things so so read the book and also just

realize you're going to have to have

those discussions it's going to have to

be honest and real and people are gonna

start to be opening otherwise if you got

someone who stonewalling all the time if

you can't get through them to have a

discussion about the challenges and

issues at hand that things Ahn's way out

I think the third big thing is repeated

neglect repeated neglect if you're in a

relationship and someone just never

takes care of you if they neglect your

requests if they neglect your feelings

if they neglect your reality if they

just never take care of you that's not a

relationship that's not a friendship if

you're if somebody at work keeps

neglecting to do the job that you've

given them right that's a violation to

and when you see that over and over and

someone just neglects your requests

neglects the job neglects the

responsibilities to you your family your

kid your team and they're always in this

repeated neglect and you made the

request you tried the course-correct

you've given the feedback that's that

three strikes and you're out baby

period I'm telling you too many people

that neglect

happen for too many years and now it's a

decade of a bad marriage where they

never listened a decade of a team member

who never contributed the team and

that's just causing hardship on

everybody and there's no reason

let them go find a place where they want

to engage if they're not engaging in

your relationship or on your team

sayanora three-strikes-you're-out next

up I know this is you're like boy this

is really motivating Brennan here we

think for like the dancing bears to

appear soon but this is our topic and

that's what we always take on the charge

life that's why I talk about fear and

disappointment and honoring the struggle

because this is real life right this

one's important after repeated lies

there's one thing called neglect where

someone just doesn't do what they're

supposed to do doesn't take care of you

is inattentive and then there's outright

bold lying where people just keep lying

over and over and over you give feedback

you catch them you ask for the change

they say well a change they don't they

promise they'll not do this but they do

and soon as this happens over and over

and over look it shouldn't take a

thousand repeated lies for you to get

the hint that you're dealing with a liar

period that's part of who they are in

that relationship in that situation or

in that segment of life that they are in

and you know what sometimes the best

thing you can do with a liar is cut them

free so they realize oh my gosh there's

real consequences for my line so that

they can go out and about find their own

truths in life so they can go out and

about see the wreckage that they're

creating so they can just get away

discern something and maybe then they

can come back but if someone's always

lying I'm telling you you're not a truth

caster you're not going to shift them by

sheer hope nor will and so please

understand if you're dealing with

someone who's repeatedly lying that's a

time to protect yourself you don't need

to be around that and there's lots of

other people who are supportive out in

the world that will surprise you with

their honesty and their vulnerability in

their generosity the world is full of

majority extraordinarily great capable

caring empathetic people the world is

not as full of narcissists and

sociopaths as television would think

have you think and so you have to say

most of the world's pretty good I'm

dealing with maybe somebody there not a

bad apple all the time but maybe in this

situation or this little season of their

life they are and you don't need to be

in that season you know that's why

sometimes in relationships you know what

you're not a friend with somebody for a

while and then they come around three

four five years ago later and you and

you see they change they're they're more

honest and they transformed that's great

but you don't have to be along the

journey of every step of their

transformation to become an honest

person and so that's one time you might

be thinking about cutting that person

loose and then last and I know you know

this and this is the number one reason

people quit jobs is because of no

appreciation if you've been in a

relationship long enough and you said

hey look I don't feel appreciated and

they don't respect you they don't

appreciate what you do the cooking the

dinner they don't appreciate who you are

the love and the heart and the hard work

they don't appreciate what you're giving

at work and you're just around a place

where there's never any gratitude and

never any respect appreciation of you is

an individual contributor as an

individual person but also appreciation

for your efforts then it's like okay I'm

just not appreciated here let me go

somewhere where I will be appreciated

not just so you can have validation

because the ego says I want lots of

people to give me you standing ovations

but rather because you know what if

you're really giving and you can be

honest about it you're giving from a

place of true service not from a place

that just says I want to be recognized

and I want to be validated and I want to

get rewards but a place of like this is

look I'm really giving here

I'm really putting effort in I'm really

trying I'm really being honest and

serving and they don't appreciate it

with either some type of

acknowledgement/recognition reward

kindness opening doors for you something

paying you more whatever if you're just

not getting that and you asked for you

tell them say hey I feel like I'm doing

all these things when I'm not feeling

appreciated what else can we do here and

you have those multiple discussions but

ultimately those

it's fall apart but ultimately they lie

to you but ultimately they continue to

neglect your needs then it is time to

move on my friend have heart the world

is full of so many extraordinary people

if you're surrounded by a bunch who

aren't that way then it's time to find a

new environment it's time to build that

which you're lacking if you're lacking a

positive environment go create a

positive environment and start letting

go of those who just will never come

around or who are in a bad season in a

life because you don't have to be there

for everybody what you have to be there

for ultimately is your life you those

who are responsible for that you care

for but at the end of the day if they

are abusive or they're lacking in all

these areas we've talked about time to

take that hint time to realize it's time

to move on let them go doesn't mean that

they can't change maybe come back but

your job is not to usher everybody

through to perfection in life the

world's full of great people believe

that trust that connect with them again

create that white space of freedom so

good people can come back into your life

again and you experience what we call

the charged life

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until I see you next time go out there

every single day of your life live fully

love openly and make your difference

today