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STOP BEING NEEDY & INSECURE | how to stay independent in relationships



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I have been Farrah Fawcett hair today

what's this hey guys and welcome back to

my channel today I had it did an

Instagram poll and it was between how to

get over a breakup and how to keep your

independence in a relationship how to

keep your independence in a relationship

one I will do the other video eventually

but that's one this video is sponsored

by better health and the reason I wanted

to do this video and I want it to be

sponsored by better help is because a

better help is just like an incredible

service and I wanted you guys to be

aware of it better help is basically an

affordable online counseling service so

you can have access to fully trained and

licensed therapists and counselors that

are LGBTQ friendly and you can kind of

pick between like religious and

non-religious ones like there's just a

ton of options therapy can be like crazy

expensive it can be kind of awkward to

like find out where to start how to

start who to go to

I feel like sometimes kind of difficult

to to find a therapist that works for

you

and like where to get recommendations I

think that's like the biggest struggle

with finding someone is where to start

it's also great of this it's like it's

fully online you can use your phone or

your computer and so if you like travel

a lot like I do and you can't really

have someone in the city service gonna

like miss sessions all the time it's

great you can do it anytime anyplace

super affordable it's between 35 and 65

dollars a week for unlimited sessions

which is like basically unheard of

therapy is usually very expensive you

can kind of just like walk on whatever

and do it whenever you're feeling like

you need to and the other thing I really

like about is that sometimes it's kind

of hard to open up in person to someone

you know extending their face-to-face so

this kind of gives you that like screen

I feel like everyone is more comfortable

saying things online than they are in

person so if you're finding it hard to

like open up in person this could be

also like a great opportunity for you

and also like there's no travel

we just opened your computer and you're

good to go that's better help

indefinitely to be talking about therapy

so I thought that this was like a

perfect perfect video for them to

sponsor so thank you better help first

of all during this video all the

information we linked down below if

you're looking to check it out okay so

um kind of breaking this down to like

three points and then I'm gonna answer

some questions at the end that people

had sent me because I feel like they

probably our questions not a lot of

people have okay so um I'm gonna give

you a little background into my

relationship history I've been in four

relationships in my life - in high

school one of those overlap continued

versus e1a University and then after

University is the one I'm currently in

with Joey is over there I definitely

wasn't always the most independent

relationships I was very dependent had

very unhealthy relationships growing up

have a lot of daddy issues if you know

my parents are divorced and like my

dad's an alcoholic so it just like kind

of just Brits and some daddy issues that

I had to work through a gone - therapist

I've seen counselors I've seen

therapists

I feel like now this is the most healthy

relationship that I've been in in my

life

so the main like thesis of this video is

basically not to maintain independence

and have a help in a relationship and

have a healthy relationship is that you

need to take care of yourself first

both people need to take care of

themselves first okay so my first point

is is take care of yourself so that's

physically and mentally Joey and I in

the mornings Joey and I like say hello

we say good morning and then we take

about an hour to ourselves to read and

to meditate and to like do our own

things and that's like very healthy for

both of us because we get to work on our

mental health we also go to the gym for

an hour so that's like two hours out of

the day that we are fully working

on ourselves it's usually the first two

hours of the day as well it's a little

thing that you can go you have to go to

the gym to work on your your physical

health every single day but that your

mental health is just something that is

just given to you you definitely have to

like work on your mental health and so

we make that a priority because if we

didn't do that we would probably have a

really awful relationship

we'd probably fight all the time there's

like a a ton of things on the internet

and just I think is a very well-known

fact that one else and I'm really

frustrated right now

I think there's no stuff on the internet

and just like it's just a well-known

fact that like when people get into

relationships they stop taking care of

themselves and I think that's like the

biggest I'm really bad at words today

like they're just not flowing but it's

just the biggest it's the most

detrimental thing you can do for

yourself and for your relationship is

just stop taking care of yourself like

why why when you were single you worked

out and and took care of your mental

health and did your own thing but when

you're in a relationship everything

changes but just like not how it should

be you need to put yourself first and

take care of yourself so if you're if

you're struggling with things go see a

therapist sign up for better help do

that take care of mental meditate read

books like you have to do things that

that are good for you mentally and

physically if it's obviously when you

take care of your physical health it

also helps your mental health but if

you're not there if you're not stable

mentally it's really hard to like give

in to give to a relationship that person

can't like can't fill voids for you I

think a lot of people when they go into

relationships that other person starts

taking care of them but you still need

to take care of yourself

so that you can take care of them and

then they can also take care of

themselves and there's everyone taking

care of each other I'm saying and

yourself

the second point is maintain your

previous relationships I've definitely

done this I think every person your

basically your first relationship I feel

like everyone goes through it where you

just kind of like throw away your

friends and you are fully just hanging

out with the person that you're with all

the time and I think that is like the

biggest mistake ever dependency is never

cute it isn't healthy and you need to

maintain your relationships because

first of all they're your friends like

you chose to be friends of these people

for a reason and they don't deserve you

throwing them away because you found

someone that you're romantically

involved with second of all you can't do

everything with the person that you're

with Joey and I spent a lot of time

together but we make sure that we have

nights where we hang out with our

friends and see our friends and do our

own thing because yes we have a life

together but we also have separate lives

and we're also separate people so we

deserve to nurture those relationships

friendships are just like religion so

you need to take care of them you need

to treat them as if they were a romantic

relations we need to work on them it's

not fair to just expect people to always

be around for you for you if you're not

going to if you're not gonna hang out

with them and give them what they need

you know like it's it's a two-way street

also goes into Joey and I'd take nights

off we aren't living together so it's

easier right now but we take nights off

and that's super healthy for our

relationship having the night to

ourselves like I'm the only child I have

been by myself for a long time and those

nights to myself are just really

important to me you kind of like miss

the person but you also get to do the

things that maybe you don't do when

they're around like on my nights off I

usually like have dinner with friends or

my parents and then I like do hair masks

and I watch City TV shows and I stay up

way later than Joey wants to stay up you

know like I just do the things that I

want to do and nothing I can't I can

obviously do that when Joey's around but

like it's just I just want this nice

yourself to like do your own thing now

when and if we start living together

we'll have to figure out what works for

us then but for right now the nights off

are really important to us also like

seeing your friends isn't like you need

to make sure you're seeing your friends

by yourself I think that's the mote like

you can see your friends together if you

have like mutual friends and stuff but

like you need to have nights where you

get to like being independent person and

go out and do your own thing by yourself

it's kind of like goes into my third

point which is maintain your own life

and your own hobbies so maintaining your

own life in your own hobbies is like the

most I guess all these points are like

the most important but you don't have to

do things just with the person you're

romantically with if you have a hobby

that you want to do and they don't like

that or they don't enjoy that go do it

by yourself I feel like my classic

example is like pottery if you if you

really love pottery and your person

doesn't want to do pottery go take a

pottery class by yourself or if you like

sports go to a sports game with your

friends or go play sports or go play

hockey or a tent-like Joey plays tennis

Joey goes and plays tennis with his

friends all the time you need to mean I

don't know how to play tennis by the way

you need to maintain your own hobbies

and your own life not only is it like

super healthy but it also gives you more

to talk about you come home from there

your sports activity you come home from

your hobby your class your workout class

whatever you do and you can sit there

and tell your significant other how much

fun you had who you met why it sucked

whatever it is like you can have more to

talk about which is always a plus

you need to try and maintain who you

were before your relationship in your

relationship believe it or not I just

filmed or we just did an entire photo

shoot which my camera died and then we

didn't know entire photo shoot with

model um I think we're talking about

having your own life and having your own

hobbies like extremely important in

relationship you can't depend on the

person to entertain you all the time and

to be your hobby like the person that

you're dating shouldn't be your hobby

you need to have your own life and your

own hobbies too

you know fulfill you and make you happy

and things that you enjoy to do or doing

things that you enjoy doing without them

they don't need to be in every aspect of

your life I think that's just the main

point is the person that you're dating

is doesn't need to be a part of every

single aspect of your life like totally

contributes to relationship health like

having your own things having your own

space having your own hobbies having

your own friends like again you need to

have your own you have your life as a

individual and then you have a life

together and that's you need to maintain

that life outside of here

your person fourth point which is like a

very I got cliche but it is so so true

it's communication talking about things

is very important so communication most

cliche point but like the most true in

regards to relationship health and

longevity

you should be able to talk to your

partner about like anything that's going

on in your relationship or anything in

general really but like I don't ever

feel nervous or scared to talk to Joey

about anything I've never wished sleeve

saying anything right it's like there's

no reason to be offended by it I'm just

telling him how I feel and I can't he he

can't really be offended but how I feel

and I can't really be offended how if he

feels something we have to have open

discussions about things that might be

tough or you know might be hard but I

never feel scared or uncomfortable to

have a conversation with him because I

know he's not gonna judge me or I feel

like that's like a really key thing is

you should never feel scared or

uncomfortable to have a conversation

with your partner you guys are a team

you're together in this you're both

trying your best to make this

relationship work and conversations are

extremely important I think I've said

this before that like we had a

conversation pretty early on in our

relationship that like we both know that

if we ever broke up like we wouldn't it

wouldn't be like the end of the world

and I think I said this in my other

video and all the people a lot of people

were like a little turned some people

were a little turned off by it but the

point is that like if we broke up like

he knows that or I know I think it's

more important to say that I know that I

wouldn't like die and you know my life

wouldn't be over I know that I would

eventually like get on my feet move on

and I'm happy and fulfilled all by

myself just like Joey's happy and

fulfilled all by himself and our

relationship is just like an add-on kind

of and if we ever broke up he would

eventually move on Chile and I'm not

offended or scared of that it's almost a

nice feeling he I know that he was happy

and fulfilled all by himself I was happy

and fulfilled all by myself and then our

relationship was just something of us

coming together and like choosing to be

together so those are my four four

points on keeping your independence in a

relationship I wanted to answer some

questions

because I think that they were really

good questions that a lot of people

[Music]

we'll probably benefit from the first

question is my husband needs space and

I'm not the type of person that needs

space I need constant reassurance and

love and he's very independent person

who wants to do his own things I feel

hurt by it and I don't know what to do

so we've kind of touched on this a

little bit but I would say that my first

recommendation or my first thing to say

is that you need to respect that your

husband needs space like he needs to

have his own his own time in his own

space and every obviously every

relationship is different but I think it

puts a lot of pressure on someone if you

need them to be around you all the time

and you also need them to give you like

reassurance that they want to be with

you all the time I think that's a lot of

pressure to put on someone and when you

when you put that pressure on someone I

feel like it almost can breed resentment

so if he's asking if he's if he's asking

for space you need to respect that you

need to give it to him and I feel like

you will also find that when you you

know you'll you almost find that like

you're not giving him space but you're

gonna event you're gonna also want the

space you're like you're gonna restart

really liking and kind of enjoying the

time part is when you come back come

back together it'll almost be better but

you need to kind of switch how you view

oh I'm giving my husband space you need

to view it as like we're taking some

time apart to like work on ourselves or

to you know keep ourselves happy and

fulfilled anything else you want to add

to that it's a really good point Joey

just said he's not asking for space

because he doesn't love you he's asking

for space because he does love you and

again he shouldn't feel hurt by it

because it's not he's not hurting you

he's not a squishy face because he

doesn't want to hang out with you or

anything he just needs some time to

himself or to hang out with his boys or

whatever he needs to do that's like a

totally human thing can't be with

someone 24/7 I love Joey

a lot and if I was with him 24/7 I would

kill him murder him

okay the next question is how not to let

your own self-worth be determined by

your relationship or your partner how to

love someone while how to love yourself

while loving someone else I feel like

I've also talked about this video like I

am a firm believer that you cannot love

someone properly and fully until you

love yourself I don't think that you

should really be in a relationship until

you can say that you are comfortable

with yourself and you love yourself the

question is how to not let your so own

self-worth be determined by your by your

relationship and it's just like you just

don't like that shouldn't have your

self-worth isn't determined by your

relationship with anyone it's not

determined by anything else other than

what you put on yourself that makes

sense

it is just you and yourself out there

and I think if you if you are happy or

struggling with that then I think you

need to take some time to like to really

like sit with yourself and like think

and and process and like do some

soul-searching and deep thinking and

honestly maybe see someone to like talk

it through because I am a family but you

really need to love yourself before

you're in a relationship because I don't

think that you can love someone fully

and wholly and properly unless you love

yourself if the person's keep

continuously trying to like make you

feel a certain way or make you feel

happy and feel it's just never gonna

work it's just you need to make yourself

feel like that they can make you feel

loved

obviously like they should make you feel

loved and wanted and secure but you they

can't put value on you and you can't let

them put value on you because you need

to put your own value and worth on

yourself the next one is how to stay

independent and continued pursuing your

career like a boss ass [ __ ] even when

your significant other may not be in the

same field or may not be a hundred

percent on board with projects that you

are working on

I guess finding a balance between what

you want and what your partner wants and

knowing where to draw the line when

compromise weekend when calmer eyes

become submission so I first read this

and I was like why just wouldn't meet

with someone who wasn't on board with

what I do

then I talked to Joey about it and he

made some fair points you want to ever

remind me I basically think you just

need to have like an open and honest

conversation with your with your ear

person that you're with you need to ask

them like why you need to find out why

they're not supporting you what aspects

they're not supporting and then maybe

try to understand and explain to them

like your views but in the end like it's

your career and it's your life and and

less like sometimes your career just

like has to take over like Joe and I are

both well aware that like right now in

our lives our careers are very important

and they take priority over a lot of

things but we've had that conversation

and we have that communication I think

that's just what you need you need to

talk to the person that you're with and

tell them where what where and why and

where you're at and they need to tell

you why and where they're at and why

they don't maybe support you but in the

end like it is your life and it's your

career and like I they need to like they

need to support you and in your

decisions because you know what's best

for you I can't really say what it's

like when you have kids I don't have

kids so we'll talk about that you know

in 10 years but this is just like when

you're in a relationship where it's just

like you and the person not when there's

children involved I think that's a whole

different conversation that we can talk

about in 10 years so those are the three

questions and those are my 3 points 4

points and the last thing I kind of just

want to quickly touch on is like it's

therapy and I think therapy for yourself

is like so important I've been to

therapy Joey's been to therapy everyone

in my family has most people in my

family I've been to therapy at one point

in their life it's just like really

great to talk things out to get an

outsider's perspective to get

professionals perspective help you work

through things like I definitely learned

things that therapy about myself my

relationships and you know my past

through talking to crushin all I don't

think there's anything to be ashamed of

and then I think also like there's a ton

of couples who have been together for a

long period

I'm or a married or whatever that go to

couples therapy all the time and I see

nothing wrong with that I think there is

so much value in having someone help you

through your relationship they're tough

like relationships are tough and their

work and you need to spend a lot of time

and effort in them so I think that

seeking therapy is like probably one of

the best things that you can do for

yourself as a human don't know if I

mentioned this at the beginning better

help does actually do couples therapy as

well so that's a really great option if

you don't want to go see someone you

could do it online video chat or you can

just do the like back-and-forth online

so thank you so much to better help for

response from this video I hope you guys

found it enjoyable comment down below if

you have any thoughts concerns how you

keep your own independence in a

relationship and I will be doing the

breakup one soon you can leave questions

about breakups if you want down below

and I will put them in my next in that

video I mean thanks so much for watching

we'll love you all peace love bye

you