One Mindset to Conquer Rejection

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hello this is Matthew with love life we

have a caller on the line today with a

very interesting question

getti are you there yes I am talk to me

about your question alright so I read

your tweet yesterday about rejection and

I agreed with it 100% but let's be

honest rejection really sucks so how can

I move on from then what sucks about

rejection well just a feeling that you

get afterwards

knowing that you weren't the one that

that person chose so just moving on

after the grieving process that's what

really really is petrified to me

what what was the rejection that you had

in mind was it someone that rejected you

for a relationship was it someone that

said they weren't attracted to you what

was the rejection someone that rejected

me for a relationship we were really

really close and he decided that he

would go and be with someone else and

they actually ended up getting married

and it was really painful and difficult

for me to move on from that so that's

what really you know stuck on my mind

how do I move on from that how do I try

to get into another relationship because

at this point I'm just afraid of

allowing somebody so close to me again

yeah it's really hard isn't it

absolutely it's really hard I am you

know I've thought a lot about this and

it's really interesting because there's

a there's almost a fine line between

insecurity and narcissism

insecurity can be where we say I no one

will ever love me

narcissism could be everyone has to love

me and I know that those two sounds so

opposite but think about it for a moment

sometimes when we get upset because

someone said they didn't want us and

then we say well I'm now afraid to go

back out there again in case the next

person doesn't want me it we can come

dangerously close to essentially putting

out the message that everyone is

supposed to want us like if we want

somebody and then that person didn't

want us back

well now that now that's going to turn

us off because everyone should have

wanted me and the next person might not

want me either well the truth is there

are many many many many many people who

aren't going to want us just as look I

consider myself to be a good public

speaker I also know that I have a

certain audience that I'm not for

everybody and that there will be certain

audiences that will never come to my

seminars it doesn't change how good of a

public speaker I am I would not base how

good I am on whether people want to

coming to my shows or not there are

certain types of people that will come

and see me live because they like the

work that I do but just because some

people don't like the work that I do it

doesn't mean I'm not a good public

speaker it doesn't mean I don't have

good things to say do you understand

what I mean by that yes

I don't you're just you you you have to

know that not everyone is your audience

that is true I guess what my biggest

concern is because I've already gone

through that process you know I read

your books and listened to a lot of your

your radio sessions but I guess my

biggest concern is the fact that

sometimes I just make myself so

unapproachable because I'm afraid of

getting hurt again well so how do you

want to live your life um carefree like

I've always been it's just fear I'm just

fearful of getting rejected again I

guess but what are you more fearful of

getting rejected again or living your

life in a cave like a sneeze in a cave

isn't isn't that worse if you picture

the rest of your life cowering and being

afraid and being this person who can't

go and talk to people or can't put

themselves out there or can't actually

go and give people compliments in case

she doesn't get one back is that is that

an image that excites you for your life

no it sounds pretty boring

it sounds pretty worse I think I think

if you were honest you would say

was worse than boring it's kind of a

it's kind of a gross image isn't it of

your life that this idea that you'll

constantly be cowering in a corner while

other people go and have fun and talk to

each other and have relationships you're

cowering in a corner because of a couple

of rejections you've had yeah you're

absolutely right you know that that I

think is scarier you tell me you you you

have to be the expert in your life you

tell me which is which is scarier the

the possible rejection from another guy

or living your whole life as somebody

that you don't like well I would hate

being somebody that I don't like I want

to be comfortable in my own skin so I

guess I just have to move on from this

funk how old do you know I'm twenty-five

twenty-five so so here's the thing right

now you have the benefit of being an age

where it feels like you have all the

time in the world right and the luxury

of feeling like you have all the time in

the world is that you feel like you have

all the time in the world to waste on

bad beliefs and bad ideas and

insecurities and I can guarantee you

that people don't feel that when they're

about to die when people are about to

die they don't suddenly freak out about

a possible rejection that's not what's

on their mind what's on their mind is I

wish I was around to be rejected I wish

I was around to have the possibility of

someone rejecting me to have the

possibility of feeling something and I'm

not going to be here and what a tragic

unbearable thought that is the luxury

and I'm you know I'm like you Getty I'm

young enough to have the luxury of

thinking I have time to waste

and it's a false luxury because the

reality is a none of us know how much

time we have and B even if we have as

much time as we think we have it's not

nearly as long as we think it is

and it goes so incredibly quickly and

that being the case make no mistake you

will ten years from now be 35 and saying

I wasted ten years avoiding situations

because of a guy that I made so

important that I threw away a decade of

my potential on him

how what could be more tragic and

frightening than that thought now

extended 20 years now go to 45 look back

you've just wasted 20 years of your life

on one guy he wasn't even there anymore

he could he doesn't even know he has

that power he's not even around to to

know he has that power but guess what

you've wasted 20 years of your life on

his rejection and thinking about that

and allowing it to you over the

course of your life you could keep

extending this right the way through

your life but even by 45 this pain would

be unbearable to know that you'd let

someone control your life in that way

the the person that you hurt is is

yourself life life is so unbearably

short the biggest waste of life is life

wasted on these kinds of negative ideas

that stop you doing things so right now

I know that in your mind you may be

looking forward saying you know well I

could carry this belief around with me

for a while and you know and hide away

and not approach guys and not go for the

next relationship because I'm scared of

rejection and Matt that's really

controlling me and I'm a human being

after all this is controlling me and I

say okay fair enough that's one path you

could take or you could say you know

what's going to be a really human moment

is in 10 years when you feel

unbelievable unbearable sickening regret

because you gave up ten years of

potential all right you know I remind

myself every time I go out every time I

go out and I don't talk to anyone and I

don't approach someone I don't I don't

put myself outside my comfort zone

because I'm scared I'm scared that I

might approach a woman and she might

reject me I might talk to someone and be

embarrassed because she doesn't want to

know she doesn't

Noemie she doesn't want to give me any

time I always remind myself every night

I go out and do that it's like I went

out with this amazing this amazing

superpower and didn't use it and I don't

mean that because I'm so great I just

mean that I'm alive and well I have a

lot to offer somebody and every time I

go out and I and I hold back because I'm

afraid I'll get rejected it's like I had

this superpower that I'm just keeping

locked away I'm not even using and that

makes me really sad because I won't

always have that superpower they'll come

a time where I don't have it anymore and

I'll look back and I'll go look how many

nights I wasted with this unbelievable

weapon and I didn't even use it I didn't

even use it and I don't want that to

happen for you Getty and I don't think

it needs to happen for you you could you

have a decision to make you can hold on

to this idea that rejection is the worst

thing that can happen to you and you can

hold on to it for a long time I've seen

you know you're you're the fortunate one

you're 25 I've got clients who are 40

years your senior Wow who who come to me

and they realize they've wasted so much

time on those kinds of beliefs you're

lucky because you get to stop it in its

tracks now but if you decide rejection

is the scariest thing to you you'll

always avoid guys if you decide that

regret is the scariest thing to you then

you'll go out there and you're talk to

everybody and you'll have an amazing

time doing it because you'll know no

rejection could be as painful as the

regret you will feel later on well that

was really powerful

I think I'm just going to start you know

looking at my life a little bit

different now because that was that was

a lot that was very helpful not nasty I

really do appreciate that

you're very welcome listen I'll tell you

this Getty I'm just as afraid of

rejection as you are people think I'm

not you know people people they think

I'm not they think I go out and I don't

have these kinds of thoughts I'm just as

afraid of rejection as you are but I

fear regret more I favorite much a lot

scarier rejection it does is it

rejection is momentarily but regret is

lifetime yep that's right that's right

so get to go out there have fun small

risks every day that's all it is small

risks every day and always remind

yourself that you can sleep at night

knowing you tried but the thing that

will keep you up at night is knowing

that you didn't even put yourself out

there thank you everybody for listening

in I so appreciate you listening in to a

show like this and and being brave

enough to take the advice and go and use

it most people will never will but I

think we're different here I think we

have a unique little community here of

people that really want to go out and

try things and put themselves out there

and I appreciate you for that because

you give me strength as well and you and

you make me excited about it as well so

guys if you want to call in if you want

to have your question answered call in

eight four four two zero four six two

double eight that's eight four four two

zero for Matt and I will speak to you on

the next episode of love life