How to Avoid Dating a Narcissist with Dr. Ramani

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welcome to what's working i'm kyle

Kittleson this is kelly the lab she's

perfect I'm still working on it this

episode is all about narcissism dr.

Romney thank you for being here thank

you Kyle most of our viewers know you

from the MiniMed circle videos you've

done specifically about personality

disorders and even more specifically

about narcissism

what is narcissism so narcissism is a

pattern which is characterized by a lack

of empathy someone who's really entitled

someone who's really grandiose

validation seeking look at me tell me

I'm great very arrogant very very vain

they often are quite vain very they can

be prone to rage if they get frustrated

or disappointed they can also be very

controlling it has to be their way or

the highway but it's the core of it

they're deeply deeply insecure and

that's the piece that people don't get

they just think that narcissists are

full of themselves and that's why a lot

of narcissists get missed because

sometimes they're angry and sullen and

resentful so their entitlement comes out

as why should I have to work I'm better

than having two o'clock into a job and

that feels kind of grumpy and icky but

that's actually also we can see

narcissism that looks like that but the

core of it is insecurity yeah before you

got to the insecurity and the rage I

felt like you were describing Kali it's

funny like it's it's it could feel like

I was describing a little kid mmm do you

know what I'm saying yeah a little child

the child doesn't often always stop to

think about you know I want to eat right

now mommy I want to eat they don't

subtly cuz mommy

eaten part of healthy development is a

child learns that sometimes they need to

put their some they have to put their

needs maybe second or they have to wait

or they have to ensure the other people

around them are okay that's healthy

development and I think dogs are

typically around the age of a

two-year-old right to three-year-old and

in fact you know what there are even

some dogs that aren't very narcissistic

and are incredibly self sacrificial and

care deeply about their

they didn't care deeply about the people

that they live with and are very

attentive and patient so I'd even say

that dogs have a narcissism spectrum too

I've seen some very selfish yes yeah I

agree with that well for our viewers

watching this leave a comment in this

video explaining or describing a time

where you interacted with a narcissist

whether this was in a romantic

relationship or just somebody you met at

a bar or something you thought you know

what that seems a little narcissistic to

me and now I really want to get into how

we can avoid getting into a relationship

in the first place because so many

people are coming to you after the fact

yeah I've been married to a narcissist

for 10 years what do I do

how do we prevent getting married to a

narcissist in the first kiyo that is my

life's mission yes this point if we

could do that I cannot tell you how much

anguish we lift

how many wasted lives we lift how many

really hurt children I mean it is the

answer to so much in our culture it's

flabbergasting I mean so this is

something that is my my passion project

and yet and yet people will say you're

gonna take my fairy tale out of my cold

dead hands like don't you touch my

prince charming I get a lot of that like

he's coming and he's gonna rescue me and

he's gonna have lots of money and he's

gonna be really nice and he's gonna buy

me lots of things and he's gonna love me

forever and I'm like yeah that's

probably know how it's gonna go down you

might want something more collaborative

and it's cute for kindness mm-hmm and so

it's a lot of people you know where I

see the blind spots are wanting the

fairy tale believing in the prince

charming myth and frankly in a big big

blind spot for so many people is timing

and I think that's where narcissists

often do a lot of their devil's

handiwork in relationships I am actually

shocked Kyle at how many men feel

pressure to get married somewhere

between 35 and 41 men may want to become

fathers they may feel that it's their

responsibility there to do right by

their parents they need to get married

and have to have kids and aft of the

house and the picket fence and they

themselves are ambivalent about it women

obviously feel that pressure

clearly part of its biological but the

fact is there everyone around you is

getting married you're on to ten

weddings in a year you don't feel like

you fit in and fitting in everyone's

tugging at you when when's the big day

it's a pressure it's a real pressure and

many many many of the people I've worked

with who got into relationship with

narcissists said I knew all of this was

coming but it was time and I didn't feel

like starting from scratch oh that's

what did him in that's really what did

the men and I my girl you would have

been better alone all right well we're

going to come back here and learn the

warning flags the red flags that you can

look out for when dating so you can

avoid a ten year or 15 year or 20 year

or 30-year relationship with a

narcissist and take a look at this med

circle series all about narcissism with

dr. Romney children who killed renewed

on't get consistent emotional mirroring

for that from their parents that's a

setup for becoming a narcissist later on

because that's how children learn to

regulate their emotional worlds they

learn how to self-soothe their emotions

they learn how to take responsibility

for their emotions they learn how to

understand their emotions from how

they're mirrored by their parents and if

their parents have consistent

appropriate reactions and are available

to them that's how the child learns that

so for child for any number of reasons

doesn't have that kind of consistent

feedback from their parents and parents

are distracted the parents are absent

the parents don't care the parents are

addicted to drugs and are not available

in that way all of those could be

contributors to that parents just are

abusive in some way obviously that can

be a contributor to two inconsistent

kinds of mirroring we also think about

narcissism in the early environment as a

function of attachment children who have

secure healthy attachments tend to go on

to adulthood and make more secure

healthy attachments but kids who have

more anxious or avoidant attachments

that can set the tone for attachment

issues in adulthood and they're not able

to make those kinds of successful

attachments in adulthood so their

relationships are really fraught with

lots of in and out back and forth rather

than the consistency you'd see from a

secure attachment with a parent

you can watch that entire series and

more at met circle calm all right now

dr. Romney how would it look with a

narcissist picking somebody up at a bar

you know it would actually be likely

very enticing very seductive very smooth

very exciting very glib I mean it's

gonna be the sort of I'm gonna use I'm

gonna use a hetero sexual paradigm for

this one okay man picking up one me cuz

normatively that's what's gonna happen

right first of all we know narcissists

are very vain as a rule like they take

good care of their appearance and so

especially if they're gonna in a pickup

joint you know they're gonna be whatever

looking good whether they work out and

they're sort of showing off their arms

and they're this and they're that you

know they may be really well-dressed if

it's a more high-end place but they're

probably gonna look pretty good okay

well groomed and all of that they're

gonna make eye contact but they're gonna

be arrogant more likely you know but not

like in a icky way but they may send you

a drink they may you know kind of

connect with you they may crack jokes be

louder than other people be drawing

attention to themselves and then they'll

sidle over and you might even think like

oh this I'm not even going to engage

this person you might get caught in the

playfulness and try to play a little

hard to get which is narcissism bait if

you play hard to get playing hard to get

that's why I always think playing hard

to get is a dangerous technique because

it's like a sieve you're more likely to

pull out the narcissists that way

because other people might feel hunts

isn't worth the bother they like the

gamesmanship and initially it really can

be very seductive they can be incredibly

good at conversation very comfortable

with conversation ask you a lot about

yourself and really share a phenomenally

interesting story about themselves where

they've traveled where they live where

they went to school and they'll be

masterful at sticking in like you'll be

talking about something else it oh yeah

remember this really great pizza place

when I was at Harvard oh my god it was

so good like it's just think I you got

pepperoni and Harvard in the same cell

and so it'll be that or you know gosh at

my parents house in Hawaii like they'll

get their little things in there and it

doesn't just mean somebody who's got

money it's good it can be even somebody

who doesn't have a lot but still manages

to sort of tell you the grandiose yarn

and listen at a bar people are loosened

up right likely been drinking so your

guard isn't up the same way and it's not

many people out there who've been

acculturated to go for or be interested

in the sort of rumpled

quiet guy in the corner who has trouble

approaching you well I don't want to go

for that person I do you do okay you

want a Rumple guy in the corner who's

too nervous to approach you yes okay why

because you think he's not an artist I

think he might be kind because you think

he might be kind I think he might be

kind and maybe just and I'm an introvert

so I think he may be an introvert so

he's not gonna extrovert pressure me and

so but I mean it like that's who I might

pay attention to I mean all things being

equal like I don't want him to be like

oh you know what I'm saying like there's

a smoothness a slickness a fairytale

this that can happen that that and it

can I mean in a bar it's going to be

again obvious the drinking the setting

the lighting that's what they're there

for picking up people in a bar is their

ground game they're so good at it

they're better at it than the rest of us

in fact there's research that shows that

the narcissus more often succeeds in

getting the girl there's no two ways

about it but that whole sort of knowing

exactly how to look at you

how to help how to make a woman feel

beautiful like do you have any idea that

you are the best looking woman in this

place but the house I mean it makes sure

gives you the shivers but for some

people it gives them the shivers because

they're excited so it gives me the

shivers because I'm terrified but normal

people it gives them the shivers because

they're excited right everybody wants to

be seen I think what narcissus in that

first blush in that first flirtation are

so good at is giving people the two

things we most desperately want to be

seen and to be heard

and they're good at it not because

they're good at seeing and hearing but

because they're very good at figuring

you know that's why they're great

salesmen or sales women or salespeople

right so it's really that they're smooth

they often can do the things you're

supposed to do in a bar well they can

dance whereas a person maybe who's more

introverted and more self effacing might

not be willing to put themselves out

there and when a narcissus is just

drinking as long as they're not full-on

drunk they're actually even more smooth

because any tiny bit of anxiety or

insecurity that they do have it only

that actually starts to fade so they are

just it's it's almost too good to be

true I think that's it if it's - if it

looks too good to be true yeah yeah it

might be you might say like you know I

can't like yeah I'd love to get your


and then and they'll say you know have a

busy weekend I'm taking my helicopter

out to Catalina I knew it

that's so cool you didn't need to drop

the helicopter bomb in the first

encounter you know so you're not saying

we can't date somebody who does take

their helicopter to Catalina on the

weekend no I'm not seeking we're just

those helicopter flying people to

Catalina this isn't don't we don't we

just don't need the helicopter person to

tell us in the first meeting that that's

what they're they're too good to be true

nosov it all yeah it's you know really

and I think that is an almost impossible

thing to socialize people on I even

think that people are getting more

sophisticated like if it feels too good

to be true if it feels too movie like

maybe people might even have their

cynical ears up a little bit but this is

not a one-off this is not a one-time

indoctrination process it will unfold if

you stay in contact with this person

over the next four weeks to two months

that's what that initial period is and

then that is an indoctrination you get

drawn into something and even when

you're super cynical I'm like I'm not

going to fall for this really attractive

harvard-educated helicopter flying

business owning smoothie I'm better than

that because when all that's happening

you're sorting through helicopters and

fast cars and cool jobs and amazing

travel the fact that he's climbed a

thousand mountains or whatever it is

he's done you stop looking as it acutely

to the things like empathy right and

reciprocity and mutuality because you

know what sometimes their stories are so

good you don't even notice they're not

asking about yours oh yes I get that now

go back to this timeline for weeks to

two months yeah so around the two-month

period or before it starts to unravel on

with their true colors how they really

are how this relationship will really

look I call it the solar eclipse the

solar the Sun goes behind the moon for a

while and the world becomes very cold

and you were used to the sun shining and

so listen in every relationship Kyle

somewhere between two and six months it

starts becoming more regular life you're

eating at home it's not as fanciful you

there's workplace dress that you

actually talk about people pass gas you

know like gas passing moment in a

relationships a significant one yes but

you know what I'm saying like you wake

up in the morning without your makeup on

like it starts becoming real life that's

different because in a healthy

relationship even when that normal stuff

starts kicking in you still feel

connected that you it still feels good

and nice and actually comforting in a

narcissistic relationship after that

first four to eight weeks one to two

months passes it almost feels like a

relatively abrupt change like they

become bored that they might even be a

little bit contemptuous of you that

they're not nearly as interested they

may though also start to become more

controlling some people especially young

women misinterpret control for affection

love or interest he wants to be with me

all the time he texts me 20 times a day

he must be into me that's not healthy

and that's again that's a way did you

hear that ladies did you hear it that's

not healthy you are worth more than that

yes everybody but 80 why was it 80%

honey 80% yeah of narcissists are mental

so that idea that he loves me he wants

to go everywhere with me he wants to

drop me off at work he's waiting for me

to pick me up at the end of the day

you know he's in the airport he calls me

the whole time he texts me during the

whole flight

he gets catches me during my lunch break

not romantic

it's intrusive it's controlling and it's

concerning and I have no doubt that some

people are watching this and saying

she's being terribly unromantic I have

worked with so many clients who've been

in these narcissistic controlling

sometimes abusive relationships and they

almost always had that controlling

feature so after about two months when

that control is happening early in a

relationship Kyle it's often accompanied

with it you're so beautiful I think

you're great

hundred bunches of flowers showing up at

the work place and gifts and come meet

my mom you know it's it lets fly to some

other city for you know dinner or have

this massive picnic it feels too good to

be true the control may be high it

happening simultaneously but the too

good to be true part it's right you're

not paying attention I think they always

want to be with you then as if sort of

starts to shift they're not as

interested they may even start

discarding you a little but they tend to

keep you around but the control remains


where you going who you with who you're

seeing what's this about why didn't you

tell me about this why weren't you home

at time exactly where were you who are

you seeing yeah it starts to escalate

yes or there's a disinterest or there's

a dismissiveness or why are we talking

about your work problems do I look

interested that's that's and they seemed

so interested a month ago yeah so we can

be incredibly destabilizing Kyle I've

worked with people who've been in 25 to

30 year relationships with narcissists

they go back to the first two months

they say but but we went to San

Francisco for dinner I'm like those 25

years ago and that was one night just

one night but they keep going back to it

I want that guy back and I'm like yeah

that guy was never here that guy was

never here yes exactly very good okay if

you are getting this if lights are going

off if bells are going off and you're

going yes yes yes yes yes I get this

give this video a thumbs up and when we

come back we're going to learn what dr.

romney's deal-breakers are in a

relationship I mean these are her

deal-breakers it'll be a fun game that

we play

right after this right now enjoy this

series with dr. Romani are there

co-occurring disorders that are commonly

seen with BPD so co-occurring or

comorbid disorders with borderline

personality are endemic that that's what

makes the treatment here so complicated

the co-occurring patterns or disorders

we mostly often and most likely see with

borderline personality are depression

anxiety eating disorders substance use

disorders the bipolar disorder is not

unusual those are not uncommon okay we

also see a subtype of borderline

personality where there is a not us not

an insubstantial group that have very

high levels of narcissism alongside the

borderline personality style so people

get a little confused they'll say there

are these moments where there's no

empathy and there's a lot of entitlement

and grandiosity but then there are these

moments of this really cavernous

distress which is what you'd never see

in narcissistic and there's an again at

burgeoning literature on what happens

when you see these two patterns

coexisting to see more of dr. Romani

make sure you go to med circle calm or

just visit the links below this video

now it's time to play a new game here on

what's working call called deal breaker

we're gonna put a statement of fact on

the teleprompter or on the screen here

and then you're gonna say if that would

be a deal breaker for you when you're

dating somebody because everything's a

deal breaker

okay so number one they're rude to

waiter at restaurants so deal breaker Oh

deal breaker right yes it's indicative

of entitlement lack of empathy

dismissiveness if they're doing it to

the waiter tomorrow they're doing it to

you bye so if you're on a date with

somebody and they are rude to the staff

is that a sign that they could be a

narcissist it's a soft sign listen just

because someone's rude to a waiter I'm

not gonna slap that label on to them but

I'm willing to take the bat so you know

again it is indicative of things like

entitlement of lack of empathy of that

you're better than them it's arrogance

it's dismissiveness and if there

doing it to the waiter it's just a

matter of time before they do it to you

yes all right next one they bring up

their ex on the first date in a negative

way more than once I'm gonna say it's a

three-quarter deal-breaker okay and I'm

gonna tell you why I'm giving them that

that 25% wiggle room I think it's

inappropriate because number one if

they're talking about that like that

about the ex they're gonna do it to you

if you become the ax right so it's sort

of a a harbinger of things to come

it speaks to a lack of emotional

regulation that they can't talk about

something in an appropriate way which

would concern me about down the line

that they'll have no problem lobbying

inappropriate things and not sort of

filtering and not filtering is a key

sign of narcissism all of that said

people who have been deeply hurt

sometimes by someone and are just fresh

out in the dating world it's nothing but

raw scar tissue and sometimes especially

if it was like a 10-year relationship

that's all the template they've got and

it can be almost like a nervous tic kind

of a thing they almost can't help


this one however if it happens again on

the second date I would say then

probably not because there's something

obsessive and ruminative that's

happening in which is again narcissistic

people if they've had an ego injury yeah

they often can't let go of things that's

not your problem they can't let go of it

you don't need that burden in your life

so I'm going with you know kind of 75

percent I would say for me it wouldn't

bother me if they did it a little bit

because fine but if they're going oh my

ex was then and there was a lot of

passion behind it I'd go easy like

they're your ex let's move on from that

or even like to say you know the person

will bring something up because it you

you won't you talk about histories on a

first date in persons like let's just

leave it like this my ex was a

narcissist I don't want to get into it

yes and then there's a sort of a tone of

like let's just put that down or you

know what it's relevant to the

conversation that's why I'm giving them

that 25% rural room but if it seems to

be the chronic theme of a of the

messaging of the new relationship I

think you want to watch that because you

don't you don't need to still be living

in their breakup it's not yours

yes all right let's go to number three a

couple weeks into the relation

they act like hanging out with your

family as a chore and that when they

hang out with your family it's such a

gift that they're doing that so here's

an interesting one this is deal breaker

ish again we're back to the 7525 and

here's why okay

now you're bringing other people into

this story which is your family mm-hmm

is your family nice like that there's

there's an assumption here that your

family is great and so if for any reason

you may have something good with your

family but your family is stepping on

toes with this new person and that's a

realistic assessment like maybe this

isn't pleasant for them yeah then they

may have reason to say that this isn't

comfortable for me this idea though that

I am white knuckling this experience it

sort of sets up this you owe me kind of

a dynamic I'm going to endure my six

hours here but there's going to be a six

hour payback down the road that's that

ends up setting a really bad almost what

I call keeping accounts in a

relationship when you start doing that I

mean listen relationships are about

compromise a couple of weeks in is also

pretty early you know like I you know I

depending on how close you are to your

family sometimes families are how people

meet each other so they've met each

other right in the beginning right but

this is early on so all this was soon

into a relationship spending time with

one person's family especially if that

family is important to them is already

being written in such a negative way I'm

not seeing many legs on this

relationship there's some people who

don't like their families so I don't

care if their partner is into them or

not so again I'm giving a 75% on this

because there's a presumption that the

family is nice because if your family is

jerks you may like your family and

acknowledge their jerkiness but bringing

someone new into that mix not so much so

let's assume the family is really great

okay is that a narcissistic red flag you

know the reason is if the family was

great and let's even say a couple of

months into the relationship this is

happening the fact that there's they're

almost like being like acting it with

this martyr or victim complex like I'm

suffering through this look at how what

a great partner I am believe it or not

narcissists are prone to viewing

themselves in this martyr II victim

way people think of narcissus is

grandiose and all that they can be very

very victimhood associated all the

burdens of the world are mine why am i

suffering more than anyone else that

dynamic can be quite concerning yeah all


that's a deal-breaker for me cuz my

family is great so if you're gonna date

me we're gonna see them and you're gonna

love it

was that narcissistic that's how I feel

okay on your first date they order

chicken fingers and french fries not a


that's judgy like no not a deal-breaker

I mean I have a caveat to my answer was

really Gordon Ramsay you know like this

shouldn't be that big a problem here's

the thing yes if they've taken you to a

really fancy high-end restaurant known

for certain cuisine mmm-hmm and they ask

for the children's menu I still don't

know if it's a deal breaker because it

may speak to an immaturity in their

palate a lack of sophistication in their

palate um I don't know maybe even just

sort of a just an ordinary 'no stew them

them like I don't know a regular guy

kind of thing it feels a little snobby

to throw them under the bus if they're

sweet and kind and are asking about you

and listening to your answers and are

really respectful to the other people

around them but want more ranch dressing

and they want chicken fingers sign me up

ah if they if they acknowledge the fact

that they're ordering chicken fingers

and how that's different for a 40 year

old man then I'm going okay you get that

this is obscure but if they're just if

I'm like cool I'm gonna have the prime

rib medium-rare side of like mashed

potatoes and there you go

I'll just have chicken fingers with

extra ketchup please I'm gonna go what

did you just order okay so I again we're

talking about narcissism

yes nothing narcissist no I agree with

that yeah okay I don't think there's

anything toxic about chewing your finger

yeah if you order the prime rib and they

order the chicken fingers and say you

know they make fun of your order they

say that's too much money you're

spending singling are you

we displace and right but you know the

again it feels snobbish in fact I would

be concerned someone narcissistic would

reject someone on the basis of chicken

things I I think I would if they didn't

acknowledge it or if I was like chicken

fingers and they're like look I loved

him when I'm six I love him now then I'd

go great you acknowledge that this is a

six year old meal so you want them to be

aware of sort of that it's called

there's sort of there's something almost

aged and appropriate yes because what if

I take this person to a business meeting

and they order chicken fingers I'm gonna

be embarrassed okay

I mean I'm gonna push this one look okay

okay all over California are these

little electric scooters okay to me a

scooter is a child's form of


okay they kick their feet and they'll go

down the street maybe go to lemonade

stand there are grown men 40 years old

powering down Wilshire Boulevard yeah in

on a scooter

grown men okay that's very

chicken-finger ii yeah okay okay

however i actually probably be more put

off by the scooter than the scooter

might be a deal Frank so if we showed up

to your date on a scooter you'd go hmm

like scooter and prime rib cancel out

yeah fingers in car Mike right but not

both but do you know what I'm saying I

do I think the idea of chicken fingers

there's an implied immaturity but what

is what I'm not seeing here is

interpersonal difficulty interpersonal

cruelty if anything it's a it's a lack

of self-awareness but there's also a

possibility that there could be a real

sweetness yes and so many people leave

the sweet people behind mm and they

spend a life especially important years

of their life they find mr. prime rib

right and then they spend their nights

crying right okay our next one they

change the subject or disregard you

whenever you try to give them

constructive criticism deal-breaker okay

again again obvious is why I hate that

I'm not being like as chicken-finger II

about this like yeah absolute right like

this one is more in the isn't a gray

zone enough a couple reasons

how were you how early are you in this

courtship process

constructive criticism on a first date

might actually be unsettling for someone

it's not even because they're

narcissistic but because they might

think you're being intrusive quite

frankly might feel like a boundary

violation whereas as you build up trust

with somebody that you know they can

they can hear it perhaps that first date

why are you ordering chicken fingers

that's not a grown up meal you might

think that's constructive criticism they

may actually be hurt right right so I

think that and the other issue is how

constructive is the criticism one

person's constructive criticism is

another person's insult so a lot of

times we think we're giving constructive

criticism but a lot of it is tone its

delivery it's back things in their

backstory like for example they may feel

awkward about something we all have

Achilles heels

we all have vulnerabilities and so let's

say somebody struggling with their

weight or something so you might give

them constructive criticism but it hits

right into that that one Achilles heel

what might seem small to you is

catastrophic sometimes for someone else

and it's not because there's that

they're narcissistic now this does get

at the larger issue of sort of

hypersensitivity hypersensitivity is a

huge theme in narcissism they can't hear

anything that doesn't prop them up or

validate them so it could be the kind of

thing where you really are if it truly

is appropriate kindly delivered

constructive and I don't even want to

use the word criticism I would say

feedback feedback and you were to say

you know it's interesting I know you

feel frustrated at your boss but you did

say that like for the last three sales

presentations you came late so maybe

your boss is you know frustrated by that

you might want to try coming early and

they really they either attack you that

would concern me the changing or the

subject or disregarding may not be as

big an issue because they may be

genuinely uncomfortable about that topic

if that had said they yell at you they

scream at you they insult you back or

give you the same so really you're never

on time either that would concern me

more this may speak to another more

subtle theme and you know what our

conversation here Kyle though highlights

for me why it is so easy to fall in with

a narcissist because you can see how

subtle this is

yes you see so it really would you would

see now I'd say a year into a

relationship then every time you try to

give them constructive feedback they do

change the subject

yes they do shift a conversation yes

that actually starts veering into the

league the territory of gaslighting

right deflecting it right and you know

changing the topic but that tends to

happen in more high-stakes conversations

so this one's a grey zone I'm giving

this a 50% deal-breaker 50% all right

next one they say they love you on the

second date

yeah no deal-breaker beyond deal by the

time they got to the LA yeah I would

already be gone yeah I'm not doing any

of that nonsense again

I gotta say you are the meanest not most

non-romantic shrink on the planet it's

not true she is the nicest lady I'm nice

I'm not romantic but I'm not the it's

the surplus meaning of the words okay

now I love you as a very throwaway

phrase in the United States when you

talk to people from other parts of the

world Europe India they'll say you say I

love you a lot to each other they say we

don't really say it at all and let me do

it's really kind of a big deal that said

you know I mean think about how many

relationships out there about volleying

who's one should I say it is all of that

to the degree they're not saying like oh

god you love chocolate ice cream I love

you it's not that it's really the idea

you know that can feel very intense

here's one thing we know about

narcissistic relationships their

relationships typically played on

fast-forward often you see people moving

in very quickly getting engaged very

quickly getting married very quickly

part of this is if the narcissist finds

a victim a partner call it what you will

that they want it's like they're trying

to get the butterfly under glass you

know they try to suck them in so it gets

harder to leave or if you're engaged

you're living in the same place that

makes a breakup harder they can almost

behave more badly and get away with it

there's a lack of that awareness the I

love you on a second date is the kind of

thing where people well sometimes the

love-bombing phase the intensity is I

there's never been a love story like

this before I love you and you feel like

you're in your personal fairy tale and

that just feels like it's on

fast-forward it blinds you to the other

stuff don't

deal-breaker alright next when you watch

TV together they refuse to fast-forward

through the commercials that's not a


I mean I it's it feels like a waste of

time I would go why do you do that I

would say this is a great break to get


yeah something you know there's a

chicken finger chicken fingers like I

really do think that no I mean I would

listen I'd say I would ask them why

don't you want to fast-forward to the

commercials they might say I think

commercials are their own little mini

art form or I make commercials or you

know this is how I watch TV when I was a

child that was pretty in favor of not

breaking up over those things I think

that those cut this is though I think

the importance of this exercise is that

it's not black and white

mm-hmm chicken fingers notwithstanding

it's not black and white and so even

something like this that watching TV and

refusing to fast-forward through

commercials the actinin of itself this

issue isn't that big a deal it's how

they respond to it and so if you say why

aren't you fast-forwarding through the

commercials and they start yelling at

you insulting you screaming at you

getting frustrated storming out it's

their reaction to perhaps an inquiry

about that that would tell you more than

there were in the actual be actual

that's an innocuous behavior right it's

oftentimes the response to communication

where we really learn about whether

we're getting into a toxic pattern here

make sure you subscribe and give a

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if you haven't yet leave a comment below

on any of the topics are you a chicken

finger orderer leave a comment below

we'll be reading all of those I'm Kyle

Kittleson and remember whether you're

ordering a prime rib or chicken fingers

you've got this


today's episode was all about avoiding

getting into a relationship with a

narcissist but if you find yourself

already in a relationship with a

narcissist whether that relationship is

romantic or professional or it might

even be a relative of yours I highly

suggest going to med circle comm and

viewing any one of the series that dr.

Romani has provided there you will learn

what signs to look out for what to do if

you want to stay and if you do feel like

it's time to leave the best way to do so

it's an incredibly insightful series

with lots of amazing tips and advice

with dr. Romani so make sure you check

that out at Met circle comm