How To Survive A Bear Attack

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you are an average human who has just

stumbled upon an above-average bear the

bear is angry and you find yourself

unsure of what to do not to worry

follow these easy instructions and with

any luck you'll live to see another day

step one determine the type of bear who

is challenged you there are three basic

species of bears in North America black

brown or white brown bears also known as

grizzly bears are essentially

unstoppable your only option is to play

dead by dropping to the ground with your

face down and covering the back of your

neck with your hands if your performance

is convincing enough the brown bear will

toss you around a bit and then

eventually leave you alone white bears

also known as polar bears are generally

friendly but if upset can typically be

subdued by a humble offering of ice-cold

coca-cola black bears are the most

common type and it is this species we

will focus on for the remainder of our

training apart from their fur they can

be identified by their tall pointed ears

short claws and lack of any distinct

shoulder hump the black bear stands

approximately two to three and a half

feet tall to the shoulder and four to

seven feet tall when standing on its

back legs step to commit to the fight

black bears must be faced head-on

any sign of cowardice on your behalf may

result in death or dismemberment often

both this is the urge to run bears can

reach speeds of 30 miles per hour and

typically enjoy the cardio workout that

chasing prey provides you'll be better

off conserving your energy for the fight

ahead avoid climbing trees to create

distance the one thing bears like more

than chasing things is climbing things

and having the high ground means

essentially nothing against an enemy

with teeth like there's your only chance

is to stand your ground step 3 get big

and make noise black bears are known to

bluff when engaging in fights often

pulling up from a full charge at the

last second to test their enemy's nerve

hold your arms above your head and

bellow out your loudest yell possible

this may give off a greater impression

of size and power and may scare the bear

away do not flinch if the bear howls

back and avoid making direct eye contact

establish with a bear that you will be a

formidable foe but give the bear the

option to disengage step 4 engage

self-defense countermeasures there are

no rules in bear fighting use any

available objects at your disposal this

includes sticks stones knives heavy

objects blunt objects sharp objects any

improvised weapon to assist in gaining

the upper hand aim for the Bears most

sensitive areas its snout and eyes

hand-to-claw combat is not advised as a

bear's claws will on average outperform

the human fist bear spray continues to

be the most effective method to deter a

charging bear and is highly encouraged

step 5 engage the bear in a game of wits

after proving your physical prowess in

battle you must now dominate the bear

mentally bears have notoriously

efficient mathematical capabilities but

are often vulnerable to simple riddles

and pop-culture trivia consider

employing such brain teasers as the more

you take the more you leave behind what

am i or what is paul mccartney's middle

name step 6

discover the Bears deepest darkest

secret bears often lack conversational

discretion and after a physical and

mental altercation may unwittingly

reveal embarrassing personal details if

you engage them in friendly discussion

consider asking the bear where it grew

up how its relationship is with its

parents whether the bear was ever picked

on why the bear never went back to

finish college or if the bear ever

regrets turning down the invitation they

received to travel abroad some three and

a half years ago step 7 traveled to the

Bears home planet after establishing a

proper rapport with the bear ask

permission to board its colony space

ship and join them on a return trip to

their home planet of rotovap Rhine be

sure to take note of the ship's

undocking procedures and if asked

Lenihan and stabilizing its planetary

BAC flux if you happen upon a

destabilized vortex matrix remember to

pack honey step eight help rescue the

Bears family from the enslavement of the

cooze vaccine nanites the Bears thousand

years war against the coos Fox is of

course an intense interstellar political

affair but the lack of opposable thumbs

by either party will mean a human can

make relatively short work of this

situation because voxi and programmers

often use the word password for

passwords so shutting down the orbital

blockade should only take a few moments

step 9 use your newly gained prestige to

become a planet-wide celebrity the newly

emancipated bears of Roe Tuva prime will

be eager to show their appreciation for

your bravery and at this moment it is

advisable to leverage your stature by

appearing on as many Roe Tuva talk shows

as possible step 10 run for political

office having gained the favor of the

Bears of wrote of a prime you should

announce your candidacy to become the

representative of a local sector step 11

male the bear threatened to reveal the

Bears deepest darkest secret unless it

assists you in expanding the legal

authority granted to you under the ROE -

of a constitution use the Bears weakness

to your advantage take total political

control step 12 introduce honey to

retrieve a prize this new product will

quickly rise to the top as their most

desired resource step 13 collapse the

economy introduce planet-wide economic

instability by artificially inflating

the market value of honey step 14 topple

the established government strike a deal

with the Bears to maintain their

constitutional independence in exchange

for easy and open access to various

goods and services 215 returned to earth

commandeer the bear spaceship and return

home once safely back dispose of the

spaceship in a nearby quarry employing

the self-destruct procedure is advised

but not necessarily required and just

like that in 15 simple steps you

survived your encounter congratulations