What Do You Do When You Hate Your Roommate? | UnExpert Advice

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- It's a wild roommate story,

but I think a lot of you will relate to this.

I actually have an image of what she had screen grabbed,

- No, no, no. - and caught on her camera.

And she sees this.

(all laugh)

- No, no. I can't look, but I have to look.

- Hey guys,

Welcome to UnExpert Advice with Daryn Carp.

I'm Daryn Carp.

Each episode we're gonna be tackling

your tough, burning questions that everyone wants to know,

from your love life, to roommate situations,

to who knows what.

We are here to help you.

We're going to give you

the best advice possible each episode.

And so this week,

we've got my good friend Grace Johnson here.

I've known Grace for

I would say a decade now, right?

- At least a decade, yeah.

- Yeah, we actually met at work,

so I think I've been a positive force for you

in my advice giving.

- Definitely, UnExpert advice giving, yeah.

- How often would you say you take my advice?

- I mean, I take your advice with a grain of salt

because you're typically right,

but it's always premature

and I need to kind of suss it out for myself.

- Yes, it's too hard for her to take my advice.

- It takes me a minute and then I get there.

- So, don't pull a Grace. And then my very good friend,

Simone Policano, who I've known

for five years?

We also did work together.

Would you say that you take my advice?

- I think that we view the world very similarly.

I think also, you're a bit older than me,

so there is this like, mentor --

This whole show is to make Daryn feel good about herself.

(casual murmuring)

- Very important question which I think most people

out there have to deal with,

is what do you do when you love your apartment,

it's everything you ever wanted,

but you don't necessarily get along with your roommate?

I'm a teacher, I'm a scholar,

(both snicker) and so I brought out

these little white boards.

You know guys. (both laugh)

You guys gotta respect me a little bit more.

- I love a white board, to be fair.

- Here you go. - Yes, love a teacher

and a scholar. - I think it will be easier

to write our answers.

I got a couple questions for you guys

that I wanna go through,

but first question, right off the bat,

you love your apartment.

Hard find, everything you need.

Money's there, location's there, space is there,

but your roommate is just,

honestly, it's a stress.

When you go home,

being with that person, man or a woman,

it's stressful.

Do you stay?

Or do you go?

- Okay, don't look at my answer.

- Be creative, like think about --

think about what you wanna do.



- I said --

- What did you say?

- You gotta go, or they gotta go,

because even if you have like the coolest space,

and it's a great price and everything,

if walking into your apartment makes you miserable,

like I think that takes a psychological toll,

and also I just won't wanna be in my space.

I feel like you have to have these honest conversations,

because at the end of the day,

you can just sit in the discomfort

of it being terrible for the length of your lease,

or you can have one or a couple

awkward confrontational conversations.

- Adding to your point, Simone,

I mean, I think if it's a friend,

you owe it to that person

to have an honest conversation.

- Yes. - Right.

- But if it's somebody that you met --

- [Simone] On Craigslist.

- on Craigslist, or a friend of a friend,

my thing is I only owe them to pay the rent,

and not leave them high and dry.

You have to find the person,

you have to do the work.

- I think it's (beep) to be like,

I don't like you, I'm out, also find my replacement.

I think it's like,

this isn't working for me, so I'm gonna leave,

but I have brought in a human

so that you can split the rent with.

- Well, what did you say? - Well, I said stay.

(assorted chattering)

- She doesn't like conflict.

- Conflict, resolution.

In every instance I've had

with good, bad or ugly,

I've always stayed.

Here in New York,

you don't have thousands of dollars to throw,

like break a lease, move on a whim,

this, that and the other.

So I've kind of buckled down

and figured out how to make it work.

- So, what did you say? - [Grace] What do you say?

- Okay, I wrote a series of bullet points.

- Yeah. - Oh god.

- So I said, talk to my roommate first.

- Yeah. - How bad is it?

- Right, right.

- Is it an issue that we can work out? Right?

And then I wrote,

if not, then get the (beep) out.

And then I was also like,

well where do you live?

Because it depends on where you live.

If you're in Jersey, right?

It might be harder to find another friend

to come replace,

but you have a great location,

if you're in the West Village,

I'm sure we could find like 50 people.

- You know how we're talking about friends,

we're talking about randoms,

can we talk about when you live with a significant other

and have you lived with a significant other?

- I haven't, but I imagine,

that would be a really --

like that's a whole other level.

You have to navigate that with such a level of maturity,

that I don't know if I have.

- I've lived with a significant other.

It didn't end well.

- Who told you it wasn't a good idea?

- Daryn Carp did say -- - There you go.

- don't do that.

- I literally told her -- - Daryn Carp quote-on-quote

said, "don't do it." - don't do this.

- Was it like for rent?

Was it like because you guys were in the same area?

- No.

- They thought they were getting married

and they were in love.

- Yeah.

- At three months. - She says with such spite.

- In my defense, I am a lesbian

and the U-Haul thing is real at times.

- [Daryn] For you.

- I hate to like -- - What's the U-Haul thing?

- You know, with lesbians,

you know what you bring on a second date?

A U-Haul.

- And you just move in together,

and I hate to perpetuate that stereotype.

I genuinely was in love,

thought it was the right move at the time.

- The stakes for someone also that

you think you're maybe gonna spend your life with.

- [Grace] Totally, yeah.

- Holy (Beep).

- Well, because when you move out of a situation,

you move out of your amazing apartment

from a person your dating,

that's a break up.

All the conflict,

and all the (beep) that you have to go through

to actually move out is really rough.

And then once it happens, it's fine.

- [Simone] Yeah, right.

- Like, the light at the end of the tunnel,

is actually like okay.

But I think if you wanna keep a friendship,

are you friends with your ex still?

- If you want a drink, it's right there.

- Yeah, I might --

- Mine too?

- I'm gonna plead the fifth on that.

- Okay, that's a no.

I think that if you want to

salvage that relationship --

- You're done, there she goes.

- We gotta bring more wine out.

- Round two.

(assorted chattering)

- No, I'm fine.

- Like if you wanna maintain the friendship,

if you wanna be friends with this person,

then you owe them the courtesy to say,

listen, I love our apartment, but it's not working out,

and you have to take the responsibility on you to move out,

find them a new roommate,

do everything you can, and apologize.

If you don't care about the relationship afterwards,

then it could just be like, hey, it's not working out,

and I still think that you have

to take the responsibility on yourself to move out.

But in a relationship, that's --

- [Simone] Just so messy.

- five other different layers.

- It is messy, yeah.

- Was it?

But now you seem fine.

- I'm fine now.

- Ha, ha.

- All right guys, it's time for pros and cons.

You guys have given such good advice,

and you both have such

different backgrounds, and different experiences.

But I sort of wanna tackle

the pros of moving out, the cons of moving out,

and the pros of staying and the cons of staying.

- A con is like that feeling that you get

when you have to walk into a home that you know,

that like just stress, like the stress.

Just the fundamental stress of,

oh god, I have to deal with this.

- And, no matter where you live,

it's not just New York City specifically.

No matter where you live,

you need to go home to a place

where you can fully decompress --

- Yes. - and feel truly at home.

- That's a pro for leaving, right? You get to choose,

hopefully if you can afford it

and you want to live on your own,

or you can find a new roommate.

You can come home and be in a place

that you feel truly happy.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- That's absolutely a pro of leaving.

Is there a con of leaving?

- Money.

- Potentially detrimental to the relationship.

- Detrimental to a relationship.

- Sure.

I don't actually -- because I've never broken a lease,

I don't know if there's financial ramification,

I don't know how it actually looks,

but it can't be a good thing.

- Okay guys,

well it sounds like you learned a little bit.

So, final advice,

it does feel like we're all sort of in agreement here.

We had three different answers to start.

But I think the idea is,

if you wanna move out, if it is so bad for you,

that you cannot be at home,

it's on you to either suffer through, suck it up,

which is a perfectly valid thing to do,

or you have to be the one to move

and find that new roommate,

and find that new apartment,

and pay up, upfront.

- Yeah.

- Right?

- Because what matters most

truly is you at the end of the day.

- Right. - And that's what we forget

in a logistical kind of --

- Yeah. - situation

that is living with others, and being in an apartment.

- Guys, thank you so much

for watching UnExpert Advice with Daryn Carp.

I wanna know all of your roommate

red flags, deal breakers,

what have you put up with,

what would you put up with,

anything that your friends are going through.

I know there's a ton.

Submit your questions to us.

We wanna hear from you.

Follow me on Instagram @carpedaryn.

DM me your questions,

we definitely want to tackle them.

The harder the better.

And I will be sure to give you my UnExpert Advice.

Thanks for watching.