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How To Beat The '7-Year Itch' In Your Marriage



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it's Brian Preston the money guy we

transition after that first five years

of marriage into this and this is so I

hate this because honeymoon

sounds sexy it sounds fun and then you

transition into and I can almost hear

the war the seven-year itch yeah this is

for folks who've been beating sound good

no it doesn't sound good wait we're

classifying the 7-year itch period as

folks who have married anywhere from six

to ten years yeah right so this actually

is me this is where I fall in this is

where my wife and RI are right now in

terms of how long we were married I've

already driven through this this part of

the road trip the window to the right

even stopped at a few places to make

sure that I learned some wisdom but and

that's what we're gonna share some of

that but is then where does this turn

this seven-year itch this is a sad

statistic but in this this is even

before we get to Daniel's divorce stats

but it is true that the seven-year itch

refers to the average length of a

marriage that ends in divorce in 2017

the average length of a marriage that

will end in divorce is approximately

eight years now realize is there's a

whole legal process that has to go in so

it probably is somewhere in that

six-year 7-year mark that people start

going what in the world is going on here

and that's what we want to kind of help

you avoid some of those problems because

there's also some distractors that are

out there on your marriage this this far

into it is it probably you know between

six and ten you've got kids

you've got you got these these these

these processes all of the marriage that

you know that you have here are these

children that are the result to expect

them and we all think you know that the

fairy tale of children is men this is

gonna be so easy it's gonna bring us so

much closer yeah I can just see that and

that does eventually there are some

tremendous benefits but anybody who's

got and you you're closer to this phase

than I am those first two years we call

them in the weeds for a reason

kids are taught that's exactly I mean

I'm looking Morpheus knows too I mean we

have multiple people here that know you

know these little kids that will one day

become self-sufficient earn a living

really humans are first powerful as

human beings are really helpless when

they're little really it's not like

they're they're not baby deer where they

come out and they start jotting and

running around the field immediately

baby humans they they they just make a

lot of chaos and we don't want to

minimize I mean look newlywed face is

hard there's no doubt about it we just

said second years the highest divorced

year but life just as we age it tends to

just get a little more complicated a

little bit hard a little more

complicated so this six to ten year of

window it's kind of a tough one from a

marriage standpoint so bow go ahead

because I feel like I know like how

Daniel put a different Grim Reaper

picture for everyone he really had a lot

of fun with this so Daniels divorce

stats what did he put on the on the

seven-year yeah they show around the

seven year point of marriage kids no

longer protect the marriage from divorce

so what ends up happening is when you

first get married and maybe you're going

through some okay well we'll have a kid

that'll change things and you're like

okay we'll stay together for the kid

well the kids begin to start getting I

never understood that how in the world

does a two having children make things

better it is it's like when people don't

drop for grenade in this thing and see

if that grenade makes a pretty garden

and so what happened the kids get a

little bit older they get a little more

self-sufficient still not

self-sufficient a little more sauce

efficient so now the marriage is no

longer held together by the need to make

this baby stay alive it's not bottles

and diapers and babas and poo-poos and

stuff and so the average length of

mayor's that ends in divorce like you

said is right there right at eight years

long so what so let's try to figure out

what are these traps that you need to

avoid so you don't fall into Daniels

divorce statistics you know the first

thing and this is an important one guys

I will tell you if you want to help your

marriage is understand what brought you

and your spouse together and then is

y'all as that love has grown the family

to have children you need to make sure

that letting the kids become the center

of not only your financial life but your

personal life can cause some bad things

yeah if you had kids as as a means to

keep the marriage together and then you

were dependent upon the kids to get the

medicine that's just not set up on solid

foundation because ultimately even if

all goes great those kids are gonna fly

the nest one day and so you need to make

sure that you and your spouse are on

solid financial footing don't let the

kids be the glue that holds it together

I mean I think look I don't think it may

be all the thing this is mean oh that's

good know what let's go for you I have

no problem telling you either one of my

kids that their mother comes before

either one I mean I think that saying

you tell that because what you're hoping

is your kids if they understand that it

keeps them first of all it keeps them

humble but you hope it's modeling a

behavior that they'll say man I hope my

spouse puts me before anything else and

that's will always plus it also because

you know as you start having kids you go

you do go from that you know where man

isn't it great we have a kid to start

you play man-to-man and then if you have

more too you go to zone it's nice if you

have a partner that you can go that kids

crazy I mean yeah we made that baby but

that kid

I can't crazy I mean it's nice if you

have a teammate that you're kind of

you're in this together versus sometimes

you see situations where it can be one

or maybe even two of you together you

put that child at the center of your

universe and that can cause long-term

ramifications especially financially

yeah it is so bad or lashley it's also a

really bad financial we've done a great

show on the financial order of

operations if you want to go check that

out we're going to put a link in the

description this of this video but you

can see it's not towards the top of the

list it's actually after you get your

financial footing so the fourth quarter

I mean that's what I always tell people

so don't let your kids take too much of

your oxygen um the next thing assuming

you will live forever I mean this is

powerful but yeah so let's see let's say

you do have the kids you're in that

stage now it's important you protect

this failing that you've built you do

want to make sure that you have the

things in place that you need like life

insurance like disability insurance like

umbrella insurance just because you are

young does not mean that you're

invincible folks have been married for

ten years most often tend to be younger

still I would throw myself in that

category but you're not invincible so

make sure you're protecting those things

that really matter to you hello it's six

to ten years you're still probably a

pretty young person through this phase

but you still have to you have to

protect yourself from that Tuesday

afternoon where you get hit by the bus

that's right I mean that's what we're

talking about here that's exam you said

it already but the life insurance the

Wills all that type of stuff

disability umbrella insurance make sure

all those things get protected yeah um

next one understanding the unique and

distinct financial roles no Brian you'll

have to tell me if you agree this I feel

like what I've seen amongst my friends

in peer group for marriages that have

not gone well or ended well is folks

missing this a lot missing what is my

role what is your role and placing

actually more value on one than the

other

yeah oh well I'm the one who goes out

and works and I make all the money for

this household and your job is to do

this this and this well think about this

and those first two years of marriage I

know we're past that we're no longer in

the honeymoon period but I know one of

the things that I struggled with was

when fortunately I grew up washing

dishes okay so I'm the dishwasher okay

fortunately my wife is OCD about laundry

meaning that bran college I've been

doing my own laundry since I was in the

eighth grade but all laundry gets washed

in the same wash or color soda you just

don't buy red yeah you know what the

secret is you would George well I would

recycle I wear my red would get washed

once every quarter they were so you wear

undershirts we'll read that's what you

do you don't wash red with anything else

everything else can get thrown in but so

but me and my wife when it came to

scrubbing commodes nobody want to do

that nobody nobody nobody else to be the

commode scrubber so you gotta have open

communications on the rolls you're gonna

play and just like that's an obstacle

you have to overcome you have to figure

out and these are the roles kind of

we're talking about though is that you

know eventually you are going to

probably one spouse is probably going to

become the bread

I mean even if you're both working one's

going to earn more money so you'll have

to talk about that figure that out and

then as you start having children

who's going to kind of be if it's if

it's important that one spouse is going

to stay at home and play more of a

domestic role versus the other one out

there with the economic how does that

all this is why now you're starting to

say the wit this is where the wisdom

kicks in you oh wait a minute

I'm starting to catch on why two needs

to become one and we don't need to keep

all of our assets separated because if

I'm the guide I mean look like I said

it's not this is I'm a traditionally I

am the man my wife's the woman but we

see all type of situations where you

can't it's not gender it's not you know

the way the marriage is structured there

is going but there's going to be

somebody that makes more money and you

have to take those things that account

and if you came into the marriage as the

breadwinner and you kind of are flexing

on that because you all have separate

accounts and and maybe this spouse was

working making a decent living but then

is now doing the domestic stuff of

raising kids how do they need to come to

you every time they need money because

y'all keeping separate accounts I think

that creates some really hostile yeah

weird relationship and it also creates

some I will tell you in my marriage I

got some no goal and I mean this is area

that woo if you wanna if you want to

ensure that that flame of your marriage

is just gonna be you know it's almost

got a pot over the the lid there you

know to make sure that flame doesn't get

hot oh you know I know I can't say

here's no goal and in broad Preston's

okay I make the money oh if I said that

gone I mean my wife is good I mean I

might have stuff thrown at me and here's

inoa my wife finally corrected me up

honey I'm tired of babysitting

you can't babysit your own kids that's

what she's you know no I said that do

you that my wife's smarter than I she

told you that you can't be I said honey

I can't babysit day I gotta go dude

honey she's like okay babysit your own

kids you know so these are so I know I

can't talk about who's watching the kids

what so much who makes the money though

that is all no goal and you have to

basically come to a mutual respect of

who's going to do what in household it

has

function and you have to value what

those different roles different

responsibilities are you know and I

think we've beaten on that enough and I

wonder can transition one of the last

ones which was not commuting

communicating well well speaking of not

community not communicating well and

then keeping financial secrets yeah that

that's a big one and again I think we

see this all the time we actually have

friends who told us about oh I've got

this card over here I've got this

account over here that so-and-so doesn't

know about it that's my play again it's

one thing if we have couples all the

time they have different blow money pots

I have my blow money he or she has her

blow money that's different than keeping

financial secrets then having the credit

card that's offline that's yeah that's

offline credit card secret accounts

that's the truthfully that's no goal and

- and then the last one we had on this

section was um you know all the

distractions of life can really push and

take your eye off the ball yeah you get

stuck in that grass is greener mindset

thinking that oh well you know this

didn't go exactly the way that I thought

I need to go shift over here and think

about something else and that's just not

a that's dangerous yeah you taught me

one of the things you taught me really

early on in my marriage right I said you

have I have to control the voice the

inner voice in my head it's one of the

things it look like I've been married 21

years I can't believe I'm saying that

doesn't sound right 21 years I must have

gotten married when I was 15 yeah but

it's one of the things that I learned

along the way like I said there's a lot

of road we're on road trips here of

things to do and things not to do and

one of the things that I had to learn

and I think my wife had to learn this

too is that we all have this inner voice

and you know you think you you're your

own worst enemy and the fact that you

you're thinking about man

I just don't she doesn't appreciate me

you know or he doesn't appreciate me or

you know I'm taking for granted you know

there's all this stuff that just bubbles

up under the surface and then you start

playing mind tricks with each other and

we'll get into this even in some deeper

phases but you'll start going and maybe

yeah maybe I'm dessert maybe I'm

entitled to this or the grass is greener

over here get that stuff I do whatever

is going on in your brain with that

voice turn that negative into a positive

I don't look at a glass half-empty look

at his glass half-full what are the

blessings in your life what are the

things and one of the things I always

tell people when they're struggling I'm

like look you got yourself in this

situation where you attract you were

attracted to this type of personality in

this person this is a good chance even

if you hit reset blew it all up you will

end up in the exact same situation with

somebody who is just like that's because

you're attracted to that type of in some

way so true there is something you

probably were attracted to but get the

communication get that inner voice right

and I think it will help you fix a lot

of them on set things and control that

voice in your head so how do you know if

you're doing it right at six at seven

let's talk about some of the indicators

of success

the very first one you hear the money

gosh oh you hear us talk about this all

the time a financial indicators success

this stage is you are hitting that

twenty to twenty-five percent savings

goal you need to be saving twenty

twenty-five percent if you're hitting

that it's a sign that your marriage

might be on sound financial footing you

are doing it right this is the part

where you might be graduating from the

budget to a cash management plan because

you have automated your financial life

to where things are going right where

they're supposed to and and it's just

great because it takes out all those

emotional roadblocks that you'll do is

the market going up is the market going

down who cares because you're saving

twenty twenty-five percent

rain or shine you're making good

decisions next indicator of success

paying off that credit card every month

yep I think paint just even just paying

off debt in general huge what I think is

so great is when you're newlywed it's

just the way life works you when you do

your net worth statement debt can tends

to tick out tickets hiccup what's

beautiful is around this stage you

actually start doing some Network

statement so that debt that total debt

low starts to go down which is fantastic

and exciting just because I know we have

to keep moving on this but keep the

devil at below 35% auto debt needs to be

20% down paid off three years

amortization yep no more than eight

percent of your total net worth housing

less than 25 percent of your adjusted

gross income risk are covered at this

section this is another indicator of

success is you've got the appropriate

life insurance you got because you got

kids you got those trophies of the love

of your marriage

Maz will have wills that reflect this

stage of lions act the right and then

you've got an emergency fund it's gonna

set you up no matter if you lose your

job hot water heater blows up you get in

a car accident you're on good stable

ground know what I think he's great

there's a bunch of tools you can use in

this face Brian the very first one we

came up with it doesn't even have

anything you came up with this one I'll

give you mad credit for this because I'm

in this stage like this one is one I

recognize I have to process is it date

night yeah if if you find yourself in

your marriage and that simmer is not

simmering you got to do something to get

it going so one of the things that I try

to do is I try to put a date night on

the calendar with my wife every month I

should probably do it every week but

with our kids were just busy at least

once a month would go do something just

she and I it just allows us to keep that

flame burning

remember the whole analogy we did

earlier on the pot you want to keep the

contents of the marriage hot guys you

got to keep it keep that thing going

keep the passion there so the date

nights gonna help with that it doesn't

have to be I know beau set on his

honeymoon he was gonna be talking

budgets doesn't always have to be

financial but definitely make sure

you're taking your loved one out no

annual net worth statement beau that's a

powerful tool you gotta be doing at this

stage high-yield savings account because

remember we got cash reserves that's one

of the indicators of success you might

as well make sure you're not in a

brick-and-mortar

make sure you're getting those you know

to over great greater than two percent

interest rate I know that dates this

show now when interest rates are

eventually gonna be 4% but do you should

at least maximize with a high-yield

savings account you got life insurance

that's a tool estate documents here's a

quick note on that so the newlyweds

might not have listened to us right they

didn't get it when we told them to so

now you went out to legal I don't

remember the name of it let's assume

there's one that you can do online that

you can do it yourself it's important to

note that a state documents mattered

they have to be executed the right way

so just do some Google research in your

town and your state to make sure that

you do that the right way the right

witnesses and it was exactly and then

other things here so here's one that you

know sometimes you'll have a trust or

other things created make sure you

actually do what the attorney wants you

to do as well that's good execution as

well and then one of the last things we

add on here is gold Pro ization break

down did you know go ahead

if you remember that that that sheet of

dreams that you made in the newlywed

stage now you acted this stage you have

to start prioritizing them what are 10

out of tens and what are one out of tens

and how are we gonna organize how we

want to start attacking these financial

long-term life goals we ya know like it

cuz some of those goals could be

retirement college kids pre college you

know if you got private school and other

things trips how important is it

creating those memories and then of

course houses in cars so that's that

stretch so we transition from the

seven-year itch I don't know six to ten

see later who just covered this is when

your account um I was the right