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Top 5 Things NOT To Say To A Divorced Woman || Mayim Bialik



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- I'm divorced and like many of you who are divorced,

you know that it can be hard to be divorced,

whether it's managing kids

and coparenting or functioning in a world

where social media seems to be communicating to me

that I am the only one who's divorced, it can be hard.

My video on divorce is actually my most

viewed video on this YouTube channel,

so it makes me feel like maybe I'm not alone,

or maybe I'm alone and all

of you just want a window into the world

of a divorced person.

Either way, I've got more to say about divorce.

Before we get into it, I'd

like to remind you to like this channel,

subscribe, and create a little bell icon

and then you can get notifications about all of my videos.

Okay, what more do I have to say about divorce?

Well, this came to me at a recent birthday party

for a good friend of mine.

I was the only divorced woman at this birthday party

and I guess some of the women there had seen

my divorce video, so they knew

that I was divorced.

These were lovely women

but one of them said something and it made me think,

you should never say that to a divorced woman.

Before I tell you what she said to me

that I don't think she should've said,

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Okay, back to the awkward interaction at the birthday party.

I'm gonna mix in what this woman said

with a couple other things

that I think you shouldn't say to divorced people.

Number one, (sighs) marriage is such a drag.

I know it's common to complain about husbands

and men when groups of women are together.

It's some weird sort of comradery.

But here's the deal.

If I'm divorced, and I'm not super thrilled about being

single, it kind of bites

to hear you complaining about your husband or

like complaining about like oh,

his feet are so smelly or like,

I don't wanna deal with him,

because what I think of right now

is how much I wish I had someone to share things with

at night, how much I'd love to cook for someone

and be supportive of them in a marriage,

so it's hard to hear people complaining even

if it's about smelly feet because it's something

that they have that I don't.

I really wanted this lovely woman

to be so grateful for her partner

and her marriage and her life but I don't know her.

I don't know her marriage.

I don't know her life.

So maybe it's not fair of me

to insert my desires into her life.

Number two, you are so amazing,

you're gonna find someone so amazing.

There are so many amazing people out there.

What a lovely sentiment,

and I do appreciate your support,

don't get me wrong, but being divorced

at 40 with two kids does not hold

as much promise as being single when you're 20 or even 30.

Maybe I'm just not comfortable

with your unabashed enthusiasm.

Maybe I just need to work on that.

Number three, go have sex with people that you meet online.

This has been suggested to me on more than four occasions

and I get it, I get the appeal.

For some people, it may work.

It may work to satisfy your sexual needs

and make you feel desirable again in that way.

But for those of us who aren't really

into meeting people online

or having sex with virtual strangers,

this kind of sentiment just makes me feel

like I'm out of touch and I'm out of sync with

like what's going on and that just leads back to

like the loneliness and the fear

that I'm never gonna find someone.

Don't tell me to go have sex with strangers.

Number four, have sex with a friend.

I know what people say about friends with benefits.

I know both the bad and the good,

but reducing me as a divorced woman to just

like a body in need of sex really undercuts my desire

to pursue an emotional connection with someone

that might lead to sex,

which is really more I think where we should be heading,

and I know that friends with benefits is more

likely to be successful when you're adults rather than

like teens, but ultimately,

it's not sending myself the message I wanna give myself,

so I just can't get on board.

Number five, oh, I'm so envious of you.

You have so much time to yourself.

Yeah, I do have a lot of time to myself.

Just me and myself and I, a lot of time.

Yup.

It is true that when you're divorced,

you have sometimes time on the weekends

or even the weeknights when you can do things on your own

and you don't need to worry

about childcare, but here's the thing.

Chances are, you may not know me really well.

I miss my kids every second I'm not with them.

Don't think that I don't miss tucking them in,

making them breakfast that they refuse to eat,

coddling them when they still let me.

For me, that's foremost in my mind.

Of course I love doing things when they are not with me.

It took years for me to not feel guilty

doing things for myself.

Being divorced doesn't make that go away.

So now that I have taken away from you all the things

that people like to say to divorced people,

what are some things that we actually do like to hear?

Well, I'd like to here that people understand

how complicated it is to be at this age

and stage of life and try to find someone,

'cause it is complicated.

I do like to hear that I have a lot to offer.

It's very nice to hear that, so thank you.

I also appreciate hearing positive ways

to brainstorm new avenues for social interaction,

'cause I need that too,

and if you don't have someone to set me up with,

consider including me in parties

or social events where you might not think

to include me because I'm divorced.

I mean, I need some practice

being out in the world and not in my pajamas.

I have a friend who makes me feel loved

and supported by pointing out men

who are single when we go out together.

She doesn't have any personal investment in any

of these people, but it's nice to know that she thinks of me

and she's looking out for me, so we appreciate that.

Being divorced is where my life is,

and I am learning to be okay with that.

My therapist says it's not something you get over,

you just kind of get through it.

I'm definitely finding myself again

and I'm learning so much about myself still,

and I'm grateful for that.

This is my path.

To those of you who feel

like you're a divorce ally, we appreciate you.

Thanks so much, and for those

of you who want to complain about your husband's furry back,

please wait until I'm in the bathroom.

For more on what it's like

to be divorced Mayim, go to groknation.com.

Let me know in the comments below what

are your thoughts on divorce,

and don't forget to go to wix.com/go/mayim

to start working on your new free website.

I'll be working on mine

and stay tuned for the video where we reveal it.

I am very excited, see you next time.