How to Respond to Condescending Remarks | How to Deal with Passive Aggressive People | Anti-Bullying

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hi everybody this is dan oconnor with

dan o'connor training and it's time for

ask damn you gotta have a talk soon

don't wanna sound like a goon you got

today's ask Dan question comes from

Kareena and Kareena asks hi Dan is there

someone wait there is someone that I

have to deal with who is very

condescending towards me and I've

obviously never found an efficient way

of answering her because this still

happens Thanks all right Korea without

knowing the details of the situation and

if you could provide them that would be


generally people who are condescending

tend to say passive-aggressive things

such as if you were in a meeting maybe

you had an upcoming holiday party and

you said I'd like to help organize that

and this condescend or would say

something such as hmm yeah you'd be good

at that that's what I mean by

passive-aggressive comments things that

are said with kind of a thin veil of

humor but they're actually insults and

they're aimed towards you and things

like that generally what people who

people who communicate that way who

communicate in a passive aggressive way

do not like assertive communicators or

in other words don't like people who are

upfront and clear in their communication

and who call them on their behavior so I

recommend doing that and a simple tactic

that so many of us can use on everyday

basis is called the clarifying question

there are two parts to it number one you

repeat back what the person says number

two you ask them using a closed-ended

yes-or-no question what the real

intention is and you state through the

question what you believe their

intention is such as if I were to say to

the condescend or something such as

condescend er when you say that you

think it'd be good at that it sounds

like you're saying you don't think I'd

be good at that is that what you're

trying to say and it's a good idea to

say is that what you are trying to say

is that what you're trying to tell me

because it's by saying that you're

saying it sounds like you're trying to

say this but you need some help so I'll

help let me clarify that for you and

people who are passive-aggressive

communicators don't like that because

number one they're called in their


in a clear upfront way you're not adding

anything to it and you're simply stating

to them when you communicate that way

with me I'm going to call you on your

behavior and make you state what you're

really trying to say it takes a lot out

of it and if the behavior still

continues after that I recommend having

a talk with them using something such as

a desk script and by the way these

resources are going to be available

below in the description of this video

resources that go along with this so

make sure to click on those links and

what you'll probably find I would guess

is you know we want people to feel the

way we feel that is human nature you

know like if you've ever been dumped

Karina you know that you want to call

your best friend and you want your best

friend to join in your pity party that

day just as if you win the lottery you

want to call it your best friend and you

want to party with him or her so I'm

assuming that this condescend er feels

mmm impotent without power they don't

feel as though they're really as good as

they think they are they feel as though

they might be exposed for the broad they

believe they are so they go around

wanting other people to feel incompetent

as well so keep that in mind you know

always communicate with kindness as I'm

sure you do if you're asking a question

on how to deal with this rather than

just firing off first thing at the brain

first thing of the mouth and also I

recommend checking out our link which

will also be below on making and using a

personal compass you'll find that

helpful but for starters freedom try the

clarifying question remember the next

time they say something condescending to

you repeat it back come to sender you

just said XYZ it sounds like you're

really saying XYZ is that what you're

trying to say

so ask them to be clear with their

communication is really the point and

that puts them on alert and for those

watching it lets them know wow you're an

upfront savvy polished communicator that

is always to our benefit so keep

watching Corina and everybody else thank

you very much for watching make sure to

keep sharing these videos liking them

leaving your comments and leaving your

video questions I'll send you a video

answer also I recommend checking out our

course because in our online course

you'll find lots of resources that help

you with strategies such as the one I

just described so that you can deal with

this and many other difficult people

both at work and at home and Karina I

appreciate your question for those of

you who also have questions make sure to

leave them either in the comments below

or send me a video question that sends

yours right to the top I will answer it

in a video response and check out our

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everybody here at Downtown training

setting off communication training with

Stan Tolkien honored